fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life
oh sweet mercy it is early. why the hell is anyone up at this hour? it should be mandatory that no one (or at the very least ME) is allowed to be working at this time.
i was forwarded
this site by a friend. just to warn you, it is very long, but once you start reading you can't stop. just like crack........or so i've been told. well, except for the reading part.
according to the song on the radio right now, rage against the machine are the "renegades of funk." i would have never come to that conclusion on my own. goes to show you what i know.
an example of my friends being assholes:
my senior year in college i had a horrible class taught by a horrible professor. HORRIBLE!!!! he was as gay as gay gets. not in that funny lispy way either. in an i hate the world, especially athletic straight males way. (ie: me) the classes i had to miss for football were held against me b/c i didn't hand in my permission slips on time. hey, some of us have to get drunk and miss class the day those were due. it was an education class so it was filled with these fucking geek girls that did nothing but annoy me. see the opening paragraph of
here. anyway i had a HUGE presentation to do for an 8:30 class. i had to do this "group" presentation by myself b/c no one else in class was willing to work with me b/c i'm an asshole and they all know it. at some point i managed to alienate everyone in this class. fucking geeks. in good fashion i got shit can drunk the night before and pass the fuck out. i wake up at 7:30 and realize immediately something is very wrong. i pull my sheets off me and a big puff of powder hits me in the face. it is then i come to the conclusion i've been covered head to toe in baby powder. ha ha. very funny. i appreciate the idiocy and lack of regard for my room in the process (room was COVERED in baby powder). my roommate was less than thrilled. his shit was also covered in powder, his powder no less. and of course the kid that did it used the entire bottle. if you are going to do something, do it right. so i am still pretty loaded and now have to shower to get this shit off of me. except the purpose of baby powder is to repell moisture. the water is beading on me. it won't come off. at all. the water is laughing at me as it runs down my body. "ha ha" it says. "good luck on your presentation asshole." fucker. i have to resort to scrubbing myself like i was covered in toxic waste. now i am red and raw. and running late to a class where the professor, and class as a whole, have made it clear they don't like me. and also i am still pretty drunk. the friend that did this to me is passed out on the couch and i kick him on my way out the door. he doesn't budge, but i hear him laughing his ass off on my way out the door. i go to class, do my stupid presentation, and manage to somehow do a freaking awesome job. i think i shocked all the fucking geeks and fudge packing professor. after class i go to my next class where one of my roommates looks at me, and starts cracking up. apparently i hadn't gotten all of it out of my hair as my scalp was still covered. needless to say i skipped my next class and went back to bed.
sadly, that was just your average friday morning.
cause that's how i roll.
what the hell? part deux
this is a new one.
some old guy just came into the gym chomping on a cigar. huh? the cigar wasn't lit, but the tip was charred, so it had been lit at some point. this guy decided to keep the unlit cigar in his old fish lips and chew on it. on the way into the gym no less. quite the example of healthy good living. this doesn't help my cause for not hating old people.
in all seriousness i could rant and rave about the yahoos that come into this place all night and day. there is that much "A" material. however, i won't, b/c it probably isn't funny to anyone other than myself.
the old guy is now walking on the treadmill, still chomping on that fucking cigar.
on second thought i will continue to rant and rave about the people at this place b/c it does make ME laugh. and it's all about ME.
bitches.
my eyes....the goggles do nothing!!!
i want to claw my eyes out.
i just saw some fat bastard changing shirts in the parking lot. he sweat through his original shirt so badly, he actually went to his car and changed into a second one in the parking lot. i can now have nightmares for months. great.
what the hell?
apparently i was tagged by
Megan. and since she is my girl i guess i have no choice but to do this. although this type of thing goes against everything i stand for.
1. What is the total volume of music you own?
this is a truly sad question. a couple months ago my ENTIRE cd collection (a couple hundred) was stolen out of my truck. i would have rather they stolen my wallet. how can you steal someone else's music? it is like taking a part of their soul. fuckers. i was actually more hurt than pissed. i had so many mixed CD's that were filled with emotion from different times in my life. break-ups, losses of loved ones, good times partying in college, etc. i relate all of them to music. now some fucker is listening to MY good/bad times. it would have been worth that fucker doing it if i could have caught him doing it. i probably would have beaten him within an inch of his life. and i wouldn't have lost a wink of sleep over it.
as it stands i now own a handful of CD's that i had to rebuy. fuck. i also don't have that much music downloaded b/c my good friend has 1000's of songs on his computer. they are the same one's i would download so i just go to his house to burn stuff.
fuckers.
2. What's the last CD you bought?
i rarely buy CD's anymore thanks to free music (aka the internet. buying CD's is for suckers. and the last time i checked, i didn't have sucker written on me.) BUUUTTTTTTT, i had a gift certificate to a music store and got The Killers, Dashboard Confessional Unplugged, 2 John Mayer CD's, and of course the Wu Tang Clan 36's Chambers, i keep it real like that (the best rap CD ever made. also, rumor has they ain't nothing to fuck with) this is the 3rd time i have had to buy this particular CD due to scratches.
3. What song is playing right now?
i'm at work so i have no choice as to what i listen too. but it's The Killer's-All These Things. excellent.
4. What 5 songs do you listen to a lot?
what an interesting question. ok, lately it's been:
Common People - William Shatner. for some reason i love it.
Like Whoa - Black Rob (100 miles an hour switchin lanes like whoa)
Please Bleed - Ben Harper (do yourself a favor. buy/burn Live From Mars disc 2. listen to it. take a moment, listen to it again. yes i just bossed you.)
Duality - Slipknot
Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional (i've had that CD in for about a week now)
5. Which 5 people will you pose these questions to?
none. anyone i would have sent it to has already done it.
bitches.
story time.....again
thanks to a post from
blondeincali (she freakin rocks) i 've decided to tell a crazy girl story. sadly i have hundreds of these, but here is one for now.
the situation:
my ex and i had recently broke up for the millionth time. this is after 2 1/2 years of turmoil, and it ended up being the last one. thank god. that's a whole other story unto itself that we don't have time for now. anyway, after a couple weeks i meet some broad we'll call colleen (b/c that's her name. fuck this anonymity bullshit. i am not protecting the innocent). we end up IM-ing and talking on the phone for a couple days and i ask her out for dinner on a friday. unbeknownst to me, friday was valentine's day. nothing like taking a stranger to dinner on the most romantic (gay) night of the year. since i am a class act i take her to a nice resaurant and the conversation was actually pretty good. that is, once we were finally seated b/c everyone goes out to eat on valentine's day. so the beginning was awkward, but it got better by meal time. we end up going to the movies as well. we make out a little (not a good kisser), stops me when i go up the shirt. can't blame a guy for trying.
the next day:
she calls me and says, "i need to ask you something." something that starts like this will NEVER end well. i say ok (tentatively). she then says, "i know this is kinda early, and we don't know each other too well, but i have to go to a wedding this saturday, and i don't have a date." great. me, "i'll call you back."
my thought process:
ok. this is early to pull a stunt like this. however, after this i'll know right away whether i am into her or not. i'll go. how bad can it be?....................damning words.
the planning:
so we talk during the week. i offer to drive. turns out the wedding is way the fuck out in long island, over 2 hours away. fuck me. we also have to drive her older sister there. she may or may not be a troll that lives under a bridge guarding a pot of gold with a little knife.
the drive:
almost three hours. her sister complains about my music. i ignore her. "shouldn't you be gnawing on some bones," is what i think. colleen attempts to hold my hand the entire three hour ride. what the fuck is that? i need to drive bitch. we get lost twice. i get furious. i cool down. we find the hotel.
the hotel:
she tells me earlier in the week that she paid for the room. jackpot. she didn't specify OUR room, just that she paid for the room.
the wedding:
it's a family wedding. her cousin or something. i am introduced to lots of people. no one really cares to meet me. the feeling is more than mutual. her parents are weird. her younger sister is there too. she is pretty hot. her boyfriend is a geek. he annoys me. i have to sit next to him for dinner, dessert, etc. not good times. prior to the wedding i tell her i'll be real pissed if she leaves me alone for more than 5-10 minutes. at one point she leaves me alone for a half hour. i am fuming. her sister (the troll) drags me onto the dance floor and won't let go of my hands. i swear to you. for two songs she refused to let go of me. awkward anyone? i finally break away and go get a drink. i get accosted by several members of her family. "are you colleen's new boyfriend." uh, no. "isn't colleen the best?" uh, not too sure about that either. finally the fiasco ends and we go back to the hotel.
the hotel (revisted):
as it turns out, WE don't have a hotel room. SHE is sharing a room with her sisters. I am sharing a room with the geek boyfriend. are you fucking kidding me? needless to say i am not happy with these arrangements. he is willing to share the bed. i am not. i sleep on the chair. angrily.
the aftermath:
a week or two go by and we continue to hang out and talk. (anything is better than my ex at this point). after three weeks of us pseudo-dating she once again has "something to tell me."
something to tell me:
oh shit. what the hell could this be? a funeral? a cult meeting? far worse. she DROPS AN "L" BOMB!!!!!!!!!! AFTER THREE WEEKS SHE TELLS ME SHE LOVES ME!!!! i pause, consider this, and say "that's a big meatball." (i swear on a bible those were my exact words). i then say, "i'll call you back."
the call back:
me: uh, we need to calm this down.
her: what do you mean?
me: you told me you love me
her: i do
me: we need to take a break
her: (silence.......followed shortly after by crying) do you really think so?
me: (astonished that this is really happening) yes
of course that break was permanent and i never saw her again. she called after about a week and i explained that "it's not you it's me." i just got out a serious relationship, blah, blah, blah.
and for the record, IT IS YOU.
they're all gonna laugh at you
it's friday bitches.
did you hear me correctly? i said it's FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!!!
friday (being the best), can bully all the other weekdays as much as it wants. i got it's back. and i don't fight fair. i do indian burns, poke eyes, head butt, you name it.
since i am still under the weather i tried a product called "airborne." howard stern advertises it all the time, and it came highly recommended. i'll let you know what i think. you are supposed to take it at the first sign of being sick, which is how i am feeling now. it is an "effervescent health formula." more things need to be effervescent. i want to use that word more. anything that even has the possibility of being effervescent should be. someone should make effervescent hot dogs. i would eat them 5 at a time. this product also boasts that it was developed by a school teacher. is that a good thing? many of my friends are teachers. i don't even trust them making my iced tea. and that includes the instant shit. just add water and stir. somehow they mess it up. it's never strong enough, and it's usually gritty. just stir it up bitch. there is no reason for it to collect at the bottom of my glass. are these the people i want making my medicine? i think not.
billy corrigan (of smashing pumpkins fame) is an asshole. so was that oriental dude (chick?) that played bass. i think billy corrigan was the inspiration of that movie
Powder. i never saw it so all i can do is speculate.
i have to go to a wedding tomorrow morning. the ceremony is at 10am. who the hell gets married that early in the morning? my cousin, that's who. should be great. that side of the family reminds of how much of a loser i am. he graduated from notre dame and has some sick ass job making sick ass money. his older sister (my age) has her master's in physical therapy and makes sick ass money. their younger sister also graduated from notre dame, and as you may have been able to guess, makes sick ass money. stupid bunch of over achievers. at least i got drunk and laid a lot in college. can't i somehow make money off that? anyone?
effervescent.
doctor said i need a backiotomy
i just got back from the chiropractor. he smashed me into a million pieces. football was great in the fact it helped pay for college, and helped score some tail. it was bad in the fact i will be a cripple in ten years thanks to it. what the fuck?
after the chiropractor saw my x-rays he told me, and i quote, "you are fucked up." thanks doc. very reassuring. apparently my neck is only 24% good. 76% bad. great. and my lower back is all out of whack. at least i've been walking around with severe pain for the past 7 years b/c of this. awesome.
(i know i posted something about this a couple weeks ago, but i don't care. and i am too lazy to add the link to that particular post. so go screw.)
to add insult to injury the chick that gives me a massage there (so sweet) told me she could tell i haven't worked out in a while. thanks. do you want to go home and kick my dog too? hey, it's only been a week, and i was sick. i still look hot.
dang.
you people make me sick
to the gentleman that absolutely destroyed the bathroom before: go see a doctor. a healthy person shouldn't be able to make that kind of smell.
simple observation
it seems to me there are two kinds of people in the world. those who like bjork, and those who don't.
i, my friend, do not.
just when i thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and pull a stunt like this and totally redeem yourself.
being back at work is the worst. but my day off was so f'ing sweet. i didn't really do anything worthwhile, which is what days off are all about.
i find any kind of gay humor off the chart funny. example: if someone asks me where someone else is, i will undoubtably respond with a homosexual answer. here is a typical conversation:
someone: where is john?
me: i think he's at the gay bar
brilliant.
i also find interacial gay humor funny as well. ie:
someone: where is john?
me: i think he is at the gay bar making out with black dudes.
even more brilliant
other answers include, but are not limited to:
he's at the bath house
he's meeting his boyfriend
he's meeting his boyfriend at the bath house
he's at a parkway reststop trying to score some tail from a lonely trucker
i saw him go into the bathroom holding hands with a small phillapino boy
i do this every single time. and it never gets old to me. others grow tired of it immediately. i don't really care. as far as i'm concerned, i'm the funniest person alive.
sadly, i have 100's of others answers to that question. b/c as always, that's how i roll.
summertime......and the livin's easy.
took today off work. why? b/c i can, that why bitches. i haven't taken a day off to just relax in months. i can't even remember that last day i took off was. (other than to play golf last month, but for some reason that doesn't count).
ah. went to philly last night to see the lady. had dinner, watched TV, and just did nothing productive at all. it was awesome. and this morning was the first weekday i didn't have to leave there at 3:30am to get to work on time. jackpot. instead woke up at 10, and drove back to dirty jerz. nothing better than driving on a nice sunny day blasting good music and flipping off other motorists. (he shouldn't have been tailgaiting me.)
friend of mine also has off, so i am going to play a little basketball. b/c that's how i roll.
work is for suckers.
suckers.
me and monday on top of a tall building
oh sweet mercy i hate mondays. if monday was a person, and we were standing on a tall building together, i would discretely push him off. on his way down i would stare with an upset look on my face. i'd scream, "oh god nooooooooooo!!!!!" when he splattered on the ground i would act all distraught and inconsolable.. "oh no, who could do such a thing? woe is me. he had so much to live for" i'd say.
at the funeral i would dress in all black, acting very somber. "it's such a shame" i would say during the eulogy. i'd give my condolences to his wife, tuesday, and their kids, wednesday and thursday. ashes to ashes, dust to dust. so so sad.
until i got in my car and drove away. laughing the laugh of a man that no longer has to deal with monday.
aunt linda, you're a bitch.
to the old man that was just walking around the locker room naked: please don't do that. at least not when i am in there. you can parade around all you want when i am not in there. you can dance a jig wearing a cowboy hat for all i care. as long as i'm not there to see it. when i am around, please put a towel on. i don't think that is asking too much.
oh yeah. it friday bitches!!!!!!!!!!!
i said IT'S FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!!!! dang.
i can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. oh sweet mercy my body needs sleep. waking up at 4:30 every day does not do a body good. nor does working out every day b/c i'm vain and superficial. don't judge me. nor does averaging less than 5 hours of sleep per night. playing softball in the rain last night couldn't have helped either. all of this equals me being sick today. fucking perfect. nothing is worse than being sick in the summer.
except for an old man walking around naked.
aye, i hate the colonel, with his wee beaty eye. oh, you're gonna buy my chicken, ohhh.
i don't want to go as far as to say i'm the smartest man alive, but i will say this, i am the smartest man alive. i straight DOMINATED that police test yesterday. it was 42 questions. ranging from reading comprehension, to spelling, math, grammer, punctuation, etc. i don't bring any of these skills or knowledge to this blog (hate that word), but in reality i do know where they would fit in. well, more or less. there was a personality exam as well. if anything tripped me up it would be that. why? b/c my personality sucks. those tests suck. sometimes you don't know whether to be brutally honest, or answer how you think they want you too. i answered how i actually thought. i figure that's the best way to go. and honestly, i don't know how well i work with others, how well i work under pressure, if i enjoy working more by myelf than others, etc. those questions are bullshit. so now i have to wait for a letter informing me of my score, and as long as i passed, when my physical test is. i will also say that i am glad i studied for this thing, it really helped out. i'll keep all of you (who am i kidding, no one really reads this) as to the results. just think, i may be trusted to carry a gun. quite a disconcerning thought.
my stomach still hates me, but not nearly as much as yesterday. i think the decision to eat KFC as my first real meal in two days was not a good one. but who is to say really? i was stressed for time and it was right there. the nearest KFC to me is in a primarily black area. every time i walk in there i get looks as if to say, "hey cracker.....get your casper lookin' ass outta here." sweet. i loved being stared at by angry minorities. especially yesterday. i was relatively dressed up from taking the test, looking as much of an uptight cracker as i could. all i needed was a confederate flag draped over my shoulder. needless to say i got my boneless wings "to go." and let me tell you how friggin great they were: they were friggin great. you can quote me on that. bitches. but back to my original point (did i even have one? do i ever have one?) of my stomach hating me. it hates me. the black magic of KFC is up to no good right now.
it was worth it.
cops come and try to snatch my crops
so today i am taking the chief's exam in an attempt to get hired by a local police department. as long as i pass today's written test, i then take a physical test and the scores are sent out to all the local departments. based on my scores the departments decide whether or not to interview me, do a background check, and ultimately put me through the police academy training. even if i don't get sponsored by a department, i can always pay for myself to go through the academy. all of that depends on how i do on this test today. needless to say this is a rather big day as far as a possible future goes. i have been studying for this thing just about every night, for hours upon end. this is a pretty big opportunity and i am hoping to dominate this.
it then goes without saying that my stomach has decided to totally kill me today. i am not nervous at all, so it isn't that. it is the fact my stomach hates me with a passion. i woke up and dry heaved before i was even fully out of bed. this totally sucks. i haven't been able to eat anything for two days for fear it will make it worse. this happens every so often, and i take medicine for it. for whatever reason, the last couple days have been worse than usual. i am hoping to feel better by this afternoon, otherwise this test is going to suck that much more. i've already thrown up the gatorade i tried to force down, and the water i just drank isn't far behind it. i also threw up the little bit i was able to eat yesterday. nothing like being well rested and well nourished for this test. awesome.
WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?
that is the question that was being screamed inside my head 5 minutes ago.
i was just in the middle of a great conversation about how fat, black women don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks. needless to say it was off color and funny, and this woman i work with came up and stood right next to me and proceded staring at me. she clearly saw i was in the middle of talking to someone, just step the fuck back and wait until my conversation is over. what is wrong with people? she stood there for like 5 minutes. it got awkward to the point where the guy i was talking to gave her a weird look and then left. i would have turned to her immediately and asked her what she wanted, but she does this habitually. she steps on in as if to get in the conversation, yet doesn't say a word. she just stares at me waiting for me to ask her, "what do you want?" go away. come back when i am not busy. no i don't have any advil, aspirin, bayer, or whatever else your crazy, butting in ass needs. i went from hysterical conversation to silent brooding. weak.
by the way, fat black women don't give a shit what you or i think.
no beer and no TV makes homer something something
monday is the worst. as opposed to saturday, which is the best. saturday is so far away. weak.
i could've easily slept for 5 more hours today. i can easily sleep for 5 more hours every day. again, weak.
i got a ton of sun this weekend. my legs and forehead will tell you too much sun. they are right, but whiners. beach on saturday. softball, seafood festival, and bbq on sunday. sunblock is a fickle beast that seems to only work on certain spots. i swore i rubbed it in everywhere. my legs and forehead would once again argue that point. crybabies.
yes, i mentioned a seafood festival. i think there should be more festivals. lots more. other than music festivals i can only think of hanukah being the "festival of lights" that also uses the term. and not being jewish it isn't that good for me. how can you not go to a festival? what is your heart made of stone? i've been to seafood fest the past few years and it is more and more magical every year. they take things, deep fry them, then sell them. i buy these things, eat them, and get happy. yeah. you heard me right. you can't beat deep fried anything. crab cakes, shrimp, fish, you name it. if it comes out of the ocean, they batter it, then put it in a frier. it's freaking awesome. i had fried shrimp with some crazy mandarin orange sauce. cajun grilled tuna bites. roasted clams. fried oreos. yes. fried oreos. b/c that's how i roll.
you are jealous.
it's my hot body, i'll do what i want
once again, it's friday bitches!!!!!!!! fucking sweet.
plans for the weekend:
go to the beach. play softball. go to seafood festival in same town as softball game. go to going away party for girlfriend's brother. my weekend will consist of sun, sports, eating, and very little else. it's gonna be sweet.
my intense hatred for "fitness celebrity" john basetow burns like the hottest fires in hades. my feelings are so strong about this i don't want to get too fired up, so i am stopping here. but rest assured there will one day be a post, and it will be angry.
fat people smell like onions.
drunk story:
went to a bar at the shore that sadly is no longer there. it was freaking sweet. 18 for ladies, shot specials. used to get legit bands to play. had pools, hot tubs, and once again 18 year old girls. anyway.....left the bar HAMMERED. barely walking hammered. don't you judge me, we've all been there. stopped at a place to get food called the windmill. it is an actual windmill that has a grill inside it for burgers, fries, hot dogs, etc. if you ever see a windmill restaurant stop in and get cheese fries. oh sweet mercy how you will thank me. anyway this place was always mobbed with drunks once the bars closed. that night none were drunker than me. pushed my way to the front right up near the grill. now, the people that work at this place aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. they are angry, vengeful people. they don't take kindly to being yelled at, least of all by a drunken me. since they were refusing to take my order as i screamed it i decided to take matters into my own hands. the grill was directly in front of me with hot dogs as far as the eye could see on it. when the moment was right (no one looking at me) i grabbed some hot dogs and stuffed em in my pockets. let me tell you something about hot dogs right off a grill, they are freaking hot. they burned the shit out of my legs. the rest of the people in line saw me do this and met me with looks of shock and bewilderment. (anger as well, being that i cut them in line to do this). with hot dogs in pockets i nonchalantly walked out and ate said hot dogs in the parking lot with my friend who was also drunk and laughing hyserically the whole time. after eating the hot dogs i then walked back in and order two more b/c i was a hungry drunken mess. also, i had a second degree burn on my thumb that i still have a scar from.
moral of the story: hot dogs are good. especially when you are drunk.
that john denver is full of shit man.
i may or may not have been late to work today. as in, i was definitely late to work today. i woke up 5 minutes before i was supposed to be here. i don't live less than 5 minutes away. do the math. it equals me being late. and of course the one time i am late half of the gym population decides to come early. great. i will say this, i made it here in record time. i broke many laws on the way here. i even went out of my way to run down an old lady. not really, but at that point i would have. at least no one said anything to me about it. i think they saw the look of tiredness/anger on my face and thought better of saying anything dumb. the way i see it, they were lucky i woke up at all considering my alarm didn't even go off. i just happened to wake up and see the clock. it's a good thing i did, otherwise i could very well still be sleeping.
it gets you DRUNK!!!!!!
linda cohn, get off my sportscenter. linda cohn go away. don't laugh that annoying high pitched off camara laugh like you do. don't refer to dwayne wade as "d" wade like you did yesterday. don't try to be funny, b/c you are not. don't make me hit mute on the TV b/c your voice, after years of hearing it, causes me anger.
although i loathe the red sox, you have to love johnny damon. or at the very least his hair.
i have not had coffee in about 2-3 weeks. i get up at 4:30am for work everyday. that equals me being tired at work. i've found it actually works out much better. by the time i wake up fully i am so far along in my day it doesn't even matter. my head may be in a fog for the majority of my work day, but i don't think anyone even notices. that doesn't say much about me does it?
i'm no doctor, or animal expert, but i am fairly certain i got bit by a monkey in my sleep last night. i woke up in the middle of the night in a haze and my shoulder had a bite on it. there were no banana peels or feces laying around, but monkeys are smart enough to clean that stuff up. damn dirty apes.
you can buy a new couch eddie murphy, what am i supposed to do about my legs?!?!?!?
so.
is there a better word than "pork"? well, i'm sure there is, but i can't think of one right now. it has two great meanings (a pig product, and banging, of course) and it sounds funny. you can't beat that. i don't use it enough, nor does society as a whole. this needs to be changed.
i may be rerarded.
i am serious, and don't call me shirley
ughhh. you know? just ughh. if monday was a person i would punch him in the throat. and he would do that whole choking, struggling to breathe thing that happens when you get punched in the throat. assuming of course that you have been punched in the throat.
once when i was in college i was at a bar talking to some girl and my friend came over and without warning punched me in the side of the head. hard. he then walked away without a word. i reeled from the punch, but other than that didn't acknowledge it and simply continued the conversation. the girl's mouth dropped and a look of shock came across her face. she asked me, "what the hell was that for?" i replied, "yeah, i don't know." and continued as if nothing had happened. after a couple more minutes of now awkward conversation she walked away nervously. this game of punch the other person in the head and then walk away quickly became a routine event. why? b/c my friends and i are idiots. that's why.
few people know i'm fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants
it's friday bitches!!! did you hear me......................i said IT'S FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!
i'd be lying if i said every other day of the week was as good as friday. it simply isn't. monday through thursday is for jerks. especially monday. now saturday and sunday, that's the hottness. (with 2 T's, b/c that's how i roll).
the chair is officially tossed. it's a sad day. my ass had grown very accostomed to it over the past 10 months here. now i have to break in a new chair. that would be if we had a new chair. we don't. awesome. so i grabbed one meant for the stupid ass members that use the stupid ass juice bar i have to maintain. at least it is padded. however, it is way higher than the last one, making typing this quite an uncomfortable ordeal. i am developing carpel tunnel with every key stroke. (yes i said stroke). i should stop the madness, but i will continue typing b/c i'm crazy like that. i really should stop b/c i have nothing important to say, but then again i never do so what the hell is the difference? i don't know, and i've officially started rambling.
the female population in the morning here has gone from bad to horrendous. for a brief stretch we had a few smoking hot women coming in somewhat consistantly. now we have horrible looking women coming in regularly. someone came up to me earlier this week and said, and i quote, "the women here are fucking ugly." yes my bluntly worded friend, they are. and although it's just speculation, probably gassy. (i naturally assume all heavy/ugly people are gassy).
am i a bad person for laughing out loud at the national spelling bee competition? am i an even worse person for calling 10-12 year old kids fucking geeks out loud at work while watching it b/c it is highly entertaining? am i worse still for hoping that the kids spell the words wrong and run off stage crying? i think not. i am also not surprised that the kid who won was not of the caucasion persuasion. i am even less surprised that he couldn't even hold up the trophy (which isn't that big) on his own. kids that partake in spelling bees tend to lack physical strength.
me fail english? that's unpossible.
my number two man......his name.....number two
the chair i spend the majority of my time in at work is broken. rather badly might i add. it is a taller plastic bar stool-esque chair. the back right leg is seperated b/c the screw holding in together fell out. it is now being tenatively held together by duct tape. the ring around the bottom that has a double duty job of foot rest/support is also broken. there is a solid chance i will fall to my death (or very least serious injury) sometime soon. that doesn't so much concern me as the fact if this chair is deemed totally unsittable, i may have to stand all day. NOT GOOD. i saw this exact same chair at IKEA last weekend for $14. will my boss buy a new one anytime soon? not a chance in hell. i may have to buy one myself. i will be damned if i have to stand all day, like some kind of common......something or other. i don't know who stands all day, and is common. i do know that i am balanced precariously on this chair as i type this.
weak.
stupid sexy flanders
if sleep was a hot chick with a sweet rack i would make out with it....er, her. whatever. instead it is a fat cow of a female with a bad odor due to the fact she can't quite wash everywhere. also, she has horrible gas, and a lazy glass eye. needless to say, i elude sleep.
people that talk on hands free cell phones while doing cardio should get caught in the equipment and disfigured badly. i don't need to hear you talk about delivering hot tubs from my vantage at the front desk. what i do need to hear are your blood curdling screams as you lose your foot in the gears of a treadmill.
easy psycho.
