good stuff
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
----Jack Handy
i'm lazy. go to hell.
sometimes i feel i'm getting stuck. between the handshake, and the fuck.
it's friday bitches.
got that? i said it's FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!
it is not quite 6am and already i am dying to leave work. the good news is i only have 7 hours left. plus i have to work out today, so i won't be leaving here for about 9 hours. that can't be the good news. good. great. grand. FUCK!!!
i'd skip the work out, but i already did that three times this week. each time i made it as far as the locker room, changed, realized i had no desire to do anything, changed back, and went home. there is still a pretty good chance i am going to do that today. there is also a pretty good chance i am going to strangle myself with a phone cord at some point today. awesome.
i saw "Red Line" last night. it's a movie that looked good in the preview, not so much on the actual big screen. should've seen "Dukes of Hazzard." at least that would have allowed me a chance to ogle Jessica Simpson for an hour and a half. weak.
going to the Jets/Giants preseason game tonight. i haven't been to a game in about two years so it should be good times. Eli and strahan aren't playing, but it should still be good. the woman's never been to a game so she is pretty psyched. i had to explain that this is only preseason so there is no need to get too excited. don't think i have any other plans for the weekend. i do plan on sleeping for as long as possible though.
stolen from an africa land. chased out with a knife. with a face like bob marley, and a mouth like a motor bike
old spandex man just informed me we are mirror opposites. i immediately thought he meant that b/c:
i am young and healthy. he is old and could drop at any second.
he wears spandex. i wear loose fitting clothing.
he says things like "okie dokie". i say things like "fuck off".
turns out i was wrong on all assumptions. it's b/c he is happy and cheerful in the morning; whereas i am angry and impersonal.
who knew??
and how the hell is anyone happy and cheerful at 5am?!?!?! he's like a mental patient that doesn't know he's a mental patient.
then i let the alpine play, it was pumpin new shit by N.W.A. it was gangster ganster at the top of the list.
what the hell is up with that blue collar comedy crap? since when is being a dumb ass hick redneck funny? it white trash that comical? i don't think it is. maybe i just have a more sophisticated palate. (no, that can't be it.)
all this does is give black comedians that much more to make fun of. although that is a double standard in itself. black people can make fun of white people with no reprocussions, but if a white person was to make fun of black people like that, all hell would break loose. just like there can never be a W.E.T. (white entertainment television).
if i see someone doing something here that may potentially hurt them am i obligated to say something to them? i'm going with no. if anything, i am hoping they do hurt themselves. maybe they'll stop coming.
EZ E you ever been caught steppin'? HELL NO!!!
don't act like you all didn't miss me. i know you did. deep down somewhere you did. i'm like a run in with a "working" girl. at the time it's great. lots of cursing, profuse sweating, some hair pulling, maybe a dirty sanchez. hey, whatever floats your boat. afterwards you are left feeling dirty and ashamed, somewhat guilty, but most of all......itchy. much like VD, i get under your skin bitches.
my computer at work has been all jammed up for the last couple days. it is finally starting to come around. much information was lost due to a virus that wiped a bunch of shit out, and the original geek that came to fix it did way more bad than good. so i have been busy inputting lost information for the past two days. it's great in the fact i am busy at work, poor in the fact i am busy at work. work is for suckers. i need to be rich, bitch!!!
now you are probably saying, "can't you post stuff from home?" yeah i could, but if i am on my computer at home there is a 99% chance i am looking at porn. b/c hey, porn is sweet. don't judge me you bastards, you're no better than me. especially you church going types. looking down your noses at me and my sinful ways. how i loathe you. although the woman does go to church every sunday, mostly likely praying for my soul. i hope the big guy up there is listen to her, b/c i need all the points i can get. what was i saying?
not that you care, but you haven't missed much. weekend with the woman consisting of us eating more ribs than any non-obese person ever should. it's so good once it hits your lips. and just working, blah, blah, blah.
you'd think after a week of no posts i'd have something worth saying, but no smart guy, you'd be dead wrong.
ok bitches, since i am off the work kick i should be able to make some of some people tomorrow morning for you. those weird fucks always give me more than enough ammo.
why?
i wish i was joking, but i just threw up in my mouth a little due to the amount of armpit hair the woman that just walked in had.
not good times.
two pints of booze. tell me are you a badfish, are you badfish too?
i wish i was back in san diego. it was a lot nicer there. i was able to sleep in. i love sleeping in. the real fucking shame of my job is the fact i am up at 4:30am every day. i bitch and moan about this more than i have any right too. but until you actually do it, you just don't know how badly it sucks. it wouldn't be that bad if i could get to bed at a reasonable hour, but i just can't seem to do that. so instead i average 4-5 hours of sleep a night, never catching up. most of the time i walk around in a sleepless daze somewhere in between dreaming and awake. it's fucked up really. i suck so bad.
about san diego. LOVED IT. want to go back.
first off, the food was amazing. we ate out for just about every meal. the first night we ate in the Gas Lamp (Light??) district at some legit firecooked pizza joint. so sweet. we also managed to forget where we parked our car in a garage and walked around hitting the panic button setting off the alarm for 40 minutes before we found it. i was chaffed and angry the whole time. the second night we went to La Jolla at a restaurant over looking the pacific. i saw the sun set over the ocean for the first time in my life. the only problem with the place was the fact our table was reserved for another couple at 7:30, and we got there at 6. so we had to be done by 7:30. i wasn't having that, so i took my sweet ass time just to spite the couple that called ahead. ha. the second night we went on a dinner cruise around the area where a jazz band was playing in the background. other than the creepy couple sitting two tables over from us that was great too. they were so bizarre. they danced like their lives depended on it. during the slow dances they were clutching each other insanely tight. now i love my girlfriend more than anything in the world, but unless i was drowning and she had on a lifevest, i wouldn't ever grab her like that. i couldn't stop laughing at it. i tried to take a picture with my camera phone, but it didn't come out. so weak, so creepy, so enjoyable.
on saturday we did the whole LA and Hollywood thing. it was fun, but i was expecting more. i guess i was hoping to see beautiful people as far as the eye could see, but that was NOT the case. mostly i saw other tourists, only they were about as far from beautiful as you could be. we did the Mann's Chinese Theatre thing with the hand and feet prints too. we may have been cheesey, but fuck off. some dude dressed up like zorro hit on the woman when i was walking around and i enjoyed her ignoring him from afar. i enjoyed even more when i walked over and his eyes got all big and he kinda ran away. the woman is the best. she cracks me up the most when she doesn't even realize i'm watching. that night we went to Old Town and ate at an amazing mexican restaurant. since we hadn't eaten all day we ordered three entrees and split them. the waitor was shocked when we finished all of it. if nothing else, the woman can eat like a champ. i find that very endearing. i find it even more endearing that she manages to not gain weight regardless of how much she eats. she/i am blessed in that regard.
i'm sure there is more i am forgetting, but i had such a good time.
did i just base my entire trip around the food i ate? i think i did.
a half hour
t minus 30 minutes until work is done. i am bored right now. i finished a book today that i started on the airplane sunday. (yes, even dumb jocks read). it was ok. "the body farm" by patricia cornwell. not something i would have picked out for myself, but someone gave it to me so what the hell. i usually don't read female authors b/c they always put in a romantic aspect that is either not plausible or neccessary. i also feel men are better at writing the crime drama, thriller genre that i prefer. i actually feel men are better at just about everything. does that make me sexist? probably. do i care? not even a little.
oh shit
i am less dazed and tired than yesterday, but dazed and tired nonetheless. again, i am craving sleep like a crackhead craves the pipe.
discovered by the germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in german means a whale's vagina.
fuckers. you know?
so i got back from san diego this morning around 1ish. well not home, persay, but here at work. i got here at work around 1ish where i slept in the childcare room for 2 hours before i had to open up. why would i do such a thing? b/c i am an IDIOT. that's why. are you happy now?? my connecting flight from charlotte to philly was delayed due to bad weather which made going home not even worth it. furious was not the word.
other mishaps along the way: after getting midair from charlotte to philly my stomach (which has always hated me) decided to really pick up it's hatred of me. by the time i got into philly i was so sick i could barely breathe. my first order of business was vomiting in the bathroom at the airport. lovely. after cleaning myself up i went to baggage claim to get claim my bag (obviously). what is this? it's no where to be found? good, great, grand. after quietly waiting at the conveyer belt for 45 minutes i am starting to get fired up. it's late, i'm tired, i'm sore from sitting in fucking airplanes for the past 6 1/2 hours. i start to walk to try and find someone from the airline to kill when i spot my bag. totally removed from the conveyer belt and hidden amoung a wall. someone must have just put it there and by chance i saw it. more relieved than angry i got it, boared a bus for my truck, and start on my way home. to get home takes about an hour and a half, give or take. the weather was taking last night. the rain made driving near impossible and while i usually drive this road at 80 mph, i was stuck behind panty wastes doing 40-45 mph. not happy. it was then i realized if i do actually go home to my own bed i sure as shit am not waking up for work the next morning. so in my wisdom i came here so i had no choice but to wake up. i had 2 hours of uncomfortable sleep on a childcare couch that has probably been both puked, and pissed on on many occasions. i am so deleriously tired right now it feels like i am floating, and not in a good high on percocets kind of way. fuck me.
plus side of the traveling: on the way to san diego i was fortunate enough to sit next to a hottie that chatted me up for the entire 6 hours. jackpot.
other things i learned about traveling: i am not built for it. literally. my shoulders are big and i don't fit in airplane seats. weak. and uncomfortable.
that being said. san diego was awesome. the weather was great. the people were friendly. the woman and i had an amazing time. i was sad i had to leave. i could definitely live out there for the rest of my life. i'm sure i will post more about it tomorrow.
good to be back??? not so much.
i'm not watered down so i'm dying of thirst
conversation i had directly following the one with the angry woman.
a very gay man came up to me and this transpired:
him: would you ever get a nipple ring?
me: uh.....no.
him: why not?
me: i'm not a big piercing guy.
him: you have tattoos right?
me: yes, but they have actual meaning behind them.
him: so you wouldn't get one?
me: no.
him: do you know that gus (guy that works out here) has one?
me: (and how do you know this??) no i didn't.
him: he has his dick pierced too.
me: oh.
him: would you get that done?
me: uh.....no.
him: why not?
me: i make it a point to keep sharp objects away from that area.
him: it is naughty isn't it? i might get that done.
he then walked (floated) away. i think i need to go shower.
you don't know us at all, we laugh when old people fall.
my morning so far:
got here. printed up directions for trip to airport, (haven't flown out of philly in years). since i am arriving back at philly sunday night i needed to get directions to both the woman's apartment (she lives in philly; she will still be in san diego, but i will possibly sleep at her apartment), and to work in case i need to just come here late sunday evening so i can sleep until work on monday. how bad would that suck?? directly from the airport to work so i can get a couple hours sleep. not good times, bad times.
conversation i had with angry woman:
her: can you change the radio station?
me: no.
her: why not? (angry at my short answer)
me: everyone else likes it. bring a walkman.
her: what? (shocked look on her face)
me: if you don't like the music, bring a walkman or discman and listen to what you want to.
her: why can't you just change it?
me: b/c i don't want to.
her: can't you put on the top 40?
me: (in my head "who are you, dick clark?) outloud: no, i don't think that's going to happen.
her: why don't you have satellite radio?
me: this is satellite radio.
her: i think this is terrible
me: ok
at this point she stormed away from me. for the record we listen to Ethel on XM radio. it's very good. foo fighters, primus, killers, the cure, alice in chains, etc. good stuff.
another quick radio story.
one day here an older man came in looking to join the gym. i gave him a 7 day pass. after about 15 minutes he came up here and asked me to change the music. i pretty much repeated the converstion from above. except he wanted big band and classical music. like mozart and bach. he was serious. when i told him that was not conducive to working out he got loud with me. after a heated arguement i informed him that "this isn't really the place for him" and revoked his 7 day pass. i hate old people.
couple hours left. then to sweet sweet california.
marge when i'm not home do you have other men in the house? radioactive men?
no posting yesterday due to the fact someone talked to me for 2 hours. don't you people have jobs??
one of the aerobic instructors just told me, "i got a new skylight put in my house. i had a good view of it last night with my legs up in the air. Marty did me all night." lovely. what is that? i was sitting here quietly reading when i was accosted with that information. the beauty is i get something like that once a week from her. everytime it is unsolicited, and unwanted. weak. at least be better looking if you are going to talk about sex with me. "did me"???? i hope no one i've ever "done" referred to it as that.
the woman that just came in tells me everysingledaywithoutfail that her son is waving to me. here it goes:
her: look, he's waving to you.
me: i see that.
every day.
i leave for san diego tomorrow. can't wait. i'm more excited to not be here than i am to be there.
your bark was loud but your bite wasn't vicious. and them rhymes you wuz kickin were quite boody-licous
oh sweet mercy it's finally friday. bitches.
got that? IT'S FRIDAY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!
thank the lord.
this week has been dragging on endlessly. not enough sleep is killing me. i am hoping to catch up this weekend. it won't happen. and then monday will come along and i'll want to kill myself. it's gonna be great. thank god for dunkin donuts being right next door. a simple walk and i have 16ozs of energy.
i don't think i have anything major planned for the weekend. the woman's brother is in for a day from mexico so we'll hang out with him for at least a little while. he's a good kid so i won't mind that. i'm thinking the beach will happen tomorrow. sunday i'm driving the woman to the airport for her san diego trip. i'll be joining her on wednesday evening. so freaking sweet.
a woman just told me she wants a "private training session" after hours. she is not attractive. she is also married with kids. i know her husband. now the whole situation is awkward. awesome.
things that make me sad
if there is one thing that upsets me, it is the fact i will probably never get to sleep with jessica simpson.
hot dog
it's that easy people. you request something, i'll write about it. i am like a big dancing monkey in that regard.
Kelly requested i write about my friend hot dog in yesterday's comments. so here goes.
gather round my friends and i shall tell you a tale. it is about a man named hot dog, well that's not his full name, but i'll get to that. i am not promising anything from this tale, but i can assure you it is the true story of the man, the legend.
(a little background): i've lived in the same town for most of my life. when i was in second grade i moved to a better part of town. that's what happens when your neighbor gets stabbed. so the second day i am there i get a knock on my door seeing if i want to play baseball. it was hot dog. i went and played, we've been friends ever since.
hot dog's real name is gary. he is a year older than myself and i've been friends with him for longer than anyone else in my life. i still hang out with him about once a week. he's good people. well, not really. criteria for hanging out in my group of friends is not being a good person.
see here. since my development was small, gary and i hung out everyday.
we did the same shit everyone does growing up. we beat the shit out his younger brothers, played sports everyday, and played nintendo (later sega genises) when it rained. eventually we joined a community swim club and met the third party that joined us, doug. i'll write more about him at some point, but all you need to know for this story is we were all friends. me, gary, doug.
(fast forward to late high school): we all partied, a lot. gary worked at a huge hardware store and would get the employees of age to buy us booze. freaking sweet. gary could drink like a fish. even at 17-18 years old we were drinking more than we had any business doing. that plays a relative role later on.
at some point early in our college careers doug and i were driving somewhere and discussing the status of one gary. he was unemployed at this point and we were talking about what career choice gary should make. and then it came to us like a lightning bolt sent down from the mighty zeus:
HOT DOG VENDOR
are you fucking kidding me? how did we not think of this sooner? for the next several hours doug and i devised a plan, marketing strategy, and location for his hot dog truck. although truth be told it was originally only a hot dog cart, we were going to work our way up to an actual truck.
his staff: a monkey and a midget. the midget would do the majority of the work. (for obvious reasons). the monkey would dispense the condiments. and if the monkey didn't agree with your condiment choice, he'd let you know it. there would also be a music box and cymbals for the monkey to play for tips. (again for obvious reasons).
the name of this establishment: HOT DOG LARRY'S. the reason for the name change was simple. to cut costs gary would sell old meat. old meat could be purchased for a much lower rate, thus cutting overhead and netting gary tons of money. due to the fact people would undoubtably get sick from his product he would use an alias.......Larry. he would go from town to town changing his name with no one the wiser. barry, harry, well.......maybe it would end there, but still.
it was fool proof.
or so one would think.
we pitched this idea to gary and he wasn't all that responsive. but the thought of it grew like wildfire. eventually he would be known simply as hot dog, or HDL (hot dog larry). people would call him, place hot dog orders, and then hang up. this went on for years. even my sister and mom call him hot dog.
some fun facts about hot dog:
when he gets real drunk and mean (which happens fairly often) he is known has Hamburger Barry. as in "he went from hot dog to hamburger after that shot of black haus." or, "you should've been there last night, hamburger was in full effect."
he has what we refer to as "LBS." (loose bowel syndrome). especially after eating taco bell or roli boli.
this year for halloween he wore a hot dog costume. it was brilliant.
his favorite dance move is "the dip." (put your hand up on my hip, when i dip you dip we dip). good stuff.
there is more i could add, but without knowing him, it just wouldn't be funny.
that is the story of how hot dog came to be. or so the legend goes.
bitches.
i'm that kid in the corner. all fucked up cause i wanna so i'm gonna.
wow. i am in a bitter bitter mood. i don't know why.
oh wait i do. it's b/c i didn't sleep good last night. again. i blame you, the reader. do i have any factual information to base this on? no, mr. smart guy. i don't. but i've got a hunch. call it woman's intuition if you will. although that makes even less sense. what?
i just found the cure for being in a bitter mood. read some jack handy quotes.
ie. this one:
"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."
did i ever mention i love jack handy? probably not, as most of what i do mention is meaningless drivel. a couple months ago i was reading a jack handy book at barnes and noble and was laughing so loud the person next to me got up and moved.
call me crazy, but the tie with a short sleeved shirt is just not a good look. makes you look like a computer salesman. not really a look i am ever going for. unless of course i am selling computers. but even then there's a good chace i wouldn't wear that.
see, not as bitter anymore.
are you serious clark?
what i have heard about (in detail) so far this morning:
nose surgery and gall bladder removal surgery from a heavy set woman. (it's been a bad month for her).
the old spandex clad man's recent shoulder surgery. he had it on friday, today is monday. he is here working out. take a break man. seriously.
it's not even 7am.
awesome.
unfadeable so please don't try and fade me
monday sucks my white ass.
fucker.
so i had that physical test for the police exam on saturday. i passed. rather easily might i add, but in all honesty it wasn't that difficult. so yahoo for me. the worst part was waiting 2 hours to finally go. then the test only lasts for under a minute. well, for me it lasted 55 seconds. you needed to run the test in under 80 seconds. i think everyone that ran it on saturday passed. so it wasn't all that hard. i think i had one of the top scores of the day. i only know of one person that went right before me that had a better time. when i left there were still about 25 people that had to go. so who knows, maybe all 25 beat me. one more step down, only about 1 million left to go. but these two (this and the written) are biggies.
rest of the weekend was pretty good. went to dinner with the woman, her aunt, and her aunt's fiance on friday night. olive garden. eh. not my first choice, but they live in hawaii and the olive garden hasn't branched out that far yet. just relaxed after that due to the fact i needed to sleep for the test the next day. the woman treated me to a very nice seafood dinner at a resaurant on the ocean after the test as a celebration. jackpot. yesterday we had league celebration day for softball and won our two games. not to sound like a jerk (although i should considering this is the jerkstore) but i was "smart softball player of the week" going 4-6 on the day with a 2 run homer, 2 doubles, and a single. i also had a pair of diving catches in the outfield. all in all a very good athletic weekend for me.
9 days until i leave for san diego. freakin sweet.
