what??
no i am not dead. but i am tired. and not feeling well. i could start every post like that. this job is killing me. no one should operate on as little sleep as i do. i need a new job. badly.
on a plus note, most of my christmas shopping is done. this is much earlier than usual. usually i am running around like a lunatic throwing elbows and headbutting. i'll still do some of that, but not nearly as much as usual. i would have been done yesterday, but when i stopped home (for what was supposed to be a 10 minutes hold over) the allure of my bed was just too much. i woke up three hours later. weak.
people are so fucking weird.
well suck me sideways
i am all kinds of tired. all the oz's of coffee in the world couldn't wake me up. that's not going to stop me from trying though. at least my stomach will hate me too.
i'd much rather not be at work right now. home in bed would be a happier place. in bed with jessica simpson would be an even happier place.
someone was in earlier that really loves her cat. a lot. how much you ask? about a half hour of talking to me about its worth. that much.
this place is filled with such weirdos. you really have no clue. as much as i mention things in here, it isn't even a fraction of it. an example:
i took a shower here this morning b/c i needed to wake myself up. i had already opened the gym b/c the morning members don't need me for anything other than to open door. anyway, i step out of the shower and what do i see? the
mumbler wearing tighty whities and tube socks. while wearing this, and only this, he decided it would be a good idea to strike up a conversation. i was so perplexed by this circumstance i couldn't even respond. i simply got dressed, and walked out. not a word uttered from my mouth.
shit, if i had known it was gonna be that kinda party, i'd a stuck my dick in the mashed potatos.
i think i had something all planned to go on about, but now i am drawing a blank. i often suck like that.
we had our christmas party for work last night. so i am freaking exhausted today. like bad. all the oz's from dunkin donuts couldn't even attempt to wake me up. that sucks so bad. my eyes look like i smoked rock all night. (and who's to say i didn't?) my stomach feels like i was drinking gasoline. (maybe i was....mother). fuck me. the party was a good time though. i stayed pretty low key as all the women that work child care and do the aerobic classes stole the show. drunk middle age women dancing has endless comedy written all over it. but, i am paying the price for it today. i hate waking up.
we had a new addition to our family this weekend. i am an uncle for the second time. my sister had a baby boy on saturday morning. thomas robert. unbelieveable. needless to say the weekend was very busy. myself and the woman volunteered to help watch my niece while was sister was in the hospital. she's only 22 months old herself. good times. i could watch her run around and laugh all day. in fact, i pretty much did.
i'm starting to come down now, i need another hit from the pipe.
are you serious clark? (part dos)
it is frickin' freezing out today. sub arctic cold. it took over 10 minutes for my truck to warm up. no bueno. so what is your point you ask? just wait you impatient little shit, i'm getting there. on my way to work today i passed someone running in the street. keep in mind it was 4:50 am, and FREEZING. this may not be unusual or even worth mentioning if i had ever passed this person before. i hadn't. which leaves me to believe that this individual decided today of all days that he was going to go for an early morning run. more power to him, i just don't understand the timing. my guess is he was trying to induce a heart attack. but i'm a fatalist by nature.
people i don't like
women with facial hair. even a little is too much.
punk teenage kids. no good derilics.
celebrities with political agendas. you're not the boss of my vote tim robbins. (but shawshank is the best movie ever.)
stephan a. smith. stop yelling so much. you hurt my ears.
old man winter. he's some douchebag at my gym. i don't like him.
i'm going to stop here for now, b/c i'm about 99% sure i've already done this list. and i think i mentioned some of these people on the original. and lord knows i'm all about originality.
helen, you look like a helen.
wednesday.
i hate to admit it, but i watch MTV's "Made". i Tivo it. it's better than Tivo-ing TRL or something horrible like that. (don't judge me you fuckers.) anyway, for those of you that don't know what it is, the premise of the show is teenagers want to try to become the opposite of what they are. fat kids want to be skinny, geeks want to be jocks, drama nerds want to be cheerleaders, etc. i saw one last night wherein a fat gay kid wants to play soccer. talk about high comedy. i can't do it justice with mere words, so do yourself a favor and watch it. you won't be disappointed. i'll give a sneak preview: lots of screeching. lots of gayness. two things that make me laugh like a mental patient. quality TV.
on the flip side of that, i am officially addicted to "24". i'll go as far as to say it is the best thing ever created in the history of mankind. in other words, legit. i never watched it b/c i was not prepared to make that kind of commitment. 24 episodes?!?! what if i missed one? then i would be lost and all hell would break lose. thanks to the magic of DVD box sets, i can now watch season 1 at my leisure. my leisure being every free moment i have. i started watching it with the woman last week and we've watched at least 1 episode just about every night. it's freaking amazing. jack bauer is the best.
the mad laugher just came in. i think i may have referred to her before. she laughs at everything and anything. it makes me uncomfortable. an example of conversation with her:
me: good morning.
her: hahahahahahahahaha. good morning. hahahahahahahahaha.
me: enjoy your workout.
her: hahahahahahahahaha. thanks. hahahahahahahahaha.
oh yeah. it's good stuff.
hmm......
according to statcounter, these are some recent keywords that have brought people here:
jock meat
bang or fuck a sleeping woman
guys who love to jerk off
sleeping bitches
i'd like to thank all of you perverts for your continued support.
you dirtbags have been in third place for years.
so what kind of idiot drives to work at 5am in the snow? this kind of idiot. that's who. there have been a grand total of 8 people in here so far. makes me wonder why i even bothered opening up. oh wait, i know why i did. so i can make some money bitches. cash rules everything around me. right??
army/navy game on saturday was awesome. so very cold though. we had to leave early b/c one of the people we were with was going into hypothermic shock. not really, but it was getting close. the game was a drubbing as navy is just way more talented than army. navy runs the triple option which is just real hard to defend. all the pageantry was cool as hell. fly overs, marching, parachuting (cancelled due to winds), it's legit. an interesting thing that you might not know about the game. during commercial timeouts they show these video clips on the big screen called "spirit videos." (gayest name ever). anyway, they are clips the cadets and midshipmen make depicting various scenes of army defeating navy or vise versa. a lot of them are star wars, lord of the rings, etc based. all end in "go army, beat navy." or again, vise versa. these were entertaining and all, until there was a killing on the big screen. they had a cadet shooting a midshipman. to me that was in bad taste. maybe that's just me.
go navy. beat army.
a deep thought
this is totally the slacker way out of posting, but for anyone that reads this you really can't be that surprised.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
-------Jack Handy
things to NOT do at the gym
1. use the treadmill right next to me when there are 15 other ones available. asshole.
2. sweat like a dancing mule and not towel yourself off, or at the very least clean the piece of equipment you are on. (double this if it takes place while on the treadmill next to me, spattering me with your gross, fat, gravy laced sweat. triple this if you spatter me with your gross, fat, gravy laced sweat and there were 15 other available treadmills to choose from.)
3. scream across the gym to your douchebag buddy.
4. scream across the gym to me. i am not your douchebag buddy.
5. EVER EVER order a protein shake from me. i hate making them.
6. follow me around the gym asking workout related questions. my information is valuable fucker. if you want it, pay for it. no free rides.
7. sidle up next to me when i am using dumbbells. there is plenty of room, get out of my space. don't be a sidler.
8. complain to me about how shitty you look and tell me how lucky i am. i work my ass off in here and have for years. it takes hard work to look like this.
9. accuse me of using steroids. see part two of number 8.
10. leave your weights on the equipment. can't stress this enough. you are strong enough to put them on. you are strong enough to put them back.
11. leave your towel on the equipment and then walk away for 10 minutes. i will not only move your shit and use that piece, i will throw your shit out.
12. talk to me when i am in the middle of an exercise. wait 30 seconds to talk to me. or better yet, don't talk to me when i am working out. this goes double when i am listening to my mp3 and have my headphone in. that's part of the point of using them.
13. ask me steroid questions. i don't know the answer. no really. i don't. i swear. i am not joking. no i don't want to discuss this after work. i really just don't know.
14. ever refer to me as "boss." EVER.
15. drop your weights close enough to me to bounce and hit me in the leg.
16. ask me if i am almost done with a piece of equipment when you just saw me walk over and use it for the first time. yes you can work in, but no, i am not done with it.
17. be heavy and wear revealing clothes. please. i may have just eaten. or i may want to eat later.
18. check your abs out in the mirror by lifting up your shirt and flexing them. come on, are you serious with that?
19. look around to see if people are checking you out. they aren't. i assure you.
20. ever flex in the mirror and check yourself out. god i hate that.
21. be a high school punk and wear sleeveless shirts. get some size before you do that. i HATE those kids.
22. wear a bandana.
23. wear underarmor. (those spandex shirts).
24. grunt real loud calling attention to yourself. you don't always have to be the center of attention.
25. try to regale me with stories of your sexual prowess. you are not that good looking. you didn't sleep with that many girls.
26. look over at me to see if i am checking you out. i am not.
27. try to sneak past me when you owe the gym money. i will embarrass you in front of others.
28. try to talk sports with me when you are obviously not knowledgeable.
29. complain to me about anything. i don't care.
30. try to nickel and dime me when when signing you up. do you haggle with the cashier at the grocery store? no. it is what it is.
that's enough for now. i could go on and on with this.
ps. if you are a good looking female ignore all of the above.
this cracked me up.
conversation i just had:
woman: you aren't so crabby today.
me: (taken aback) it's friday.
woman: that's the difference?
me: yes. i'm a different person later in the morning too.
woman: not a morning person?
me: is it obvious?
woman: (with heavy sarcasm) umm, no.
me: good, because that's what i was going for.
me: also, you are heavy (that wasn't said aloud......but rest assured, i was thinking it.
heaven help me for the way i am. save me from these evil deeds before i get them done.
did you know it's friday? bitches?
i did. i was WELL aware.
big plans this weekend. HUGE!!! i'm going to the Army-Navy game tomorrow. for anyone who knows anything about college football, you are right to be envious. while they may not be the most skilled teams in the country, this game is what's right with college football. my understanding is that this is one of THE most amazing sports experiences a person can have. not so much for the game itself, but for the pageantry. (that's right, i just said pageantry.) between the marching, the bands, the fact the teams stand together at the end to sing each other's fight song, it is incredible. it is everything this game stands for that is important. you know you will see two teams that play with respect, class, and honor. that is unheard of in sports today. freaking sweet. as a double bonus this is getting me out of some dinner party i was supposed to go to with the woman. jackpot!!!
having the internet working at work is way better than not.
i've been doing doubles for my workouts this week. meaning, i've been lifting immediately after work and coming back at night to do cardio. i am sore. it feels good. my body needs rest this weekend. i plan on giving it nothing but that. ah, rest is awesome.
quality reading
this was forwarded to me a couple weeks ago. i just stumbled upon it in my inbox and thought enough of it to post it. i can't verify it's authenticity, but it's good reading nonetheless.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it. I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different
person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or
something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid
me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I
would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house. If you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, Golden Retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
