mother fuckers act like they forgot about dre
it's friday bitches. sweet mercy thank the lord it's friday. bitches.
was
this close to calling in late today. then i remembered i have no one to call out to. fuck this place. would have been nice though.
talk radio sucks. as i walked up to the front doors this morning some douchebag was sitting in his truck blasting talk radio. so much of that sentence is just wrong.
i'll break it down:
as i walked up to the front doors this morning: it was 4:55 am. that's just too early to go to work. why the fuck do i do this every day? i should've called out.
some douchebag: weirdo black dude that speaks with some crazy ass accent. he used to come in sparingly, now he's here everyday. i'll never understand that. at some point i'm sure he'll skin me alive. that's what they do.
sitting in his truck: sleep in pal. don't wait in the parking lot for me. the chances of me opening this joint before 5 are none and fucking none.
blasting talk radio: really? really? is that neccessary at 4:55 am? is it ever neccessary to blast talk radio? i don't think it is. he must
REALLY want to know the weather. asshole.
i know what you are thinking. and you know what? maybe
YOU have anger issues.
you fat shit
thank you for coughing into your fat sweaty hand of wadded up dollar bills which you then used to pay for your water. terrific. just put those on the counter while i get some gloves to handle them.
i hate fat people.
I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE SAN DIEGO
i've tried being rude. i've tried being mean. i've tried.....well that's about all i've tried, BUT these fuckers that come in here still don't get the idea i want nothing to do with them. so i am going to try a new approach. total straight up ignoring them.
example:
douchebag: hey, blah blah blah blah blah.
me: (silence)
douchebag: blah blah blah blah blah.
me: (crickets chirping)
douchebag: plod plod plod (that's the sound of fat feet walking away).
i'm hoping if this happens a few times they'll start to get the idea that i DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.
oh problems with your husband? fuck you.
your kid won his game. great. fuck you.
you job blah blah blah. fuck you.
i don't care.
FUCKERS LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! you see me sitting at a computer, or talking on the phone, or doing paperwork. why do you feel it neccessary to fucking talk to me. keep walking!!! get the fuck away from me.
fuck.
from up here the city lights burn, like a thousand miles of fire.
and then the woman takes off her shirt and everything is ok.
the woman gave me a card this morning before work. it was written before our little episode (which has since passed). it is a sweet gesture and a very sweet card. i was touched (not in the pants, which is weak). i am not a card guy. i appreciate getting them, but it is RARE that i will get one for someone else (this does not include things cards are mandatory for, ie: birthdays, mothers/fathers day, etc). it's just a weird thing to me. i tell her all the things that are written on a card everyday. isn't that better? it is to me. mostly b/c i don't want to be bothered to go into a store, look through lots of bad cards in order to say something i can just actually verbalize. BUT i always like when someone buys one for me. you would think i would do this for someone else, knowing it will make them feel good. i still probably won't. i will however send 20 nice texts a day. i am a weirdo. i'd be better off just going and getting a damn card every once in a while. but i have to wait now, otherwise it looks like i'm giving her one just b/c she gave me one. what sick games we play.
i still have a card some crazy chick gave me after about three dates. it said "i love you and hope we spend the rest of our lives together." i couldn't hide the shock and disbelief on my face when i opened it. just terrific stuff. yeah, that may have been the last night i ever saw her. that didn't stop me from sleeping with her that night. twice. don't judge me. HOLLA!!!!
on a black rock, is where i want to go.
i told a woman earlier that when i come in and shoot the place up, and rest assured that IS going to happen, she'd be safe. she looked at me like i was crazy, but said thanks.
it's all about making people feel safe. i'm good like that.
sometimes a day or two off from the woman can be good.
everytime 4 idiots get together and play video games it's good.
coffee hurts my stomach so bad, but it's so neccessary after only 4 hours of sleep. (stupid video games).
you would think i'd have more to say, but you would be wrong.
who the fuck is this paging me at five forty six in the mornin, crack a dawning, now i'm yawnin.
that last post was way more personal than i usually get.
don't get used to it.
bitches.
and yes i did go to denny's this weekend as well. me and the roommates. i may never go again. so much white trash. so much black trash. so much LOUD black trash. just plain makes me angry. invited the woman, didn't want to go. after telling me the day before she loves denny's. then got mad later that night that i had gone.
rest of the weekend was ok. put up a fence at my dad's house on friday afternoon. came out pretty damn good if i say so myself. spent much of the next two days watching baseball. all in all, good times.
crazy. thy name is female.
hmm. interesting weekend.
the new girl.....we'll see how long she remains the new girl for. there is a real good chance she will be another old girl soon.
she is not a very outgoing person. my friends are extremely outgoing, loud, an obnoxious. in other words, good times. i'm starting to find out she is not.
took her to a VERY NICE, VERY EXPENSIVE restaurant this weekend. i do not have a hard time dressing up and playing nice. i also don't have a hard time splurging for an expenisive dinner. i like doing that as well. believe it or not i am a spolier.(it can't always be denny's). anyway, the whole fucking dinner was ruined. half the time was spent in angry silence. at one point i told her, "i hope you enjoy this dinner, b/c it's the last one we are having." not a nice thing to say, but totally how i was feeling at that moment. i will always say what i am feeling at that moment. for better or worse. most times it's better. ie: you look beautiful, i love you, etc.
here is my issue. there are many sides to this girl. we all have many sides: nice, mean, sweet, sarcastic, public, private, etc. the private side of this girl is awesome. when it's just her and i things are usually great. especially when we are laying in bed. very sweet. take her out of that environment and a whole new person emerges. in public she seems to play the "tough girl" role almost exclusively. that is fine when you are feeling each other out and your defenses are up. but it's been a couple months and we see each other almost every night. time for that shit to stop. act like a normal person. act like an adult. there are times for joking and times to just be nice. it is exhausting to always do the joking insults and be "on." now on this site i am an asshole. in real life i am an asshole. in a relationship i am an asshole, but not all the time. for the most part i laugh and joke around, but i'm never mean about it. sometimes this girl is just mean. i think b/c she is so good looking she is just used to getting everything she wants. i am not the kind of guy that will allow that. BUT, this girl IS incredibly good looking and i am very weak in the physical sense. that means if this relationship is going to end, it will take way longer than it should. b/c she is hot, and i enjoy doing it.
also, she didn't say thank you for dinner. a HUGE mistake in my book.
ya know?
several notes to the assholes that just walked in:
old woman. you are fucking miserable everyday. if life is that bad, kill yourself. your husband is such a nice guy too. do him a favor and bite the barrel of a gun. (was that too much?). also, wear more clothing. someone in their late 60's/early 70's shouldn't wear spandex.
attractive mom that just came in. why are you so angry everyday? someone as good looking as you shouldn't be that angry. do more cardio. your ass is big.
old man river. stop talking to me. right now. you see my head down typing, YET you continue talking to me. still. go away. go away. go away.
little guy with napolean complex. shut the fuck up!!! there is no need to demand the attention of everyone here. speak in an indoor voice like a big boy.
it's only 7:09. fuck me running.
i don't like knowing people. i don't like people knowing about me.
matthew sweet is the best. if you don't believe me, download some of his music. if you still don't believe me, go fuck yourself.
it's friday bitches!!!!! sweet mercy.
so about yesterday's second post......um.....yeah. sometimes you need to write about more than hating work and the idiots this place is filled with.
not often. just sometimes. occasionally you get a peek at the man behind the curtain. thanks for the comments (those that left them. those that didn't, you are heartless pricks).
why i am the nicest boyfriend ever: the new woman was sick the other day. what did i surprise her with? chicken soup, magazines, and a coloring book. dang, i am too sweet for my own good.
also, i'm very good looking. pretty much the perfect combination.
and modest. to a fault.
or maybe none of the above. or maybe ALL of the above.
that's enough.
at least i have some plans for the weekend. beach with the woman tomorrow morning. then taking her out for a NICE dinner. the place i have in mind is beautiful and fancy. too fancy for my liking, but she'll enjoy it. she better, otherwise there will be beatings.
kidding.
i just someone in the back doing an exercise that may lead to a severe injury. i didn't tell her that. i kinda laughed and shook my head. does that make me a bad person? either way, i don't care. she looks like a stars wars character. and that is NOT a good way to describe someone.
hurt
wake up.
head pounding. sour film in mouth.
have to spit. have to throw up. don't move. it will go away.
i hope.
did i throw up last night?
light hurts. where am i?
can barely see. head pounding.
stomach in agony. moving hurts.
open eyes. slowly. can only squint.
light hurts.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
my bed. good.
no one next to me.
good.
wearing.......torn shirt. stained jeans.
shirt is wet.
is that sweat?
not good.
what happened?
don't even think about it. won't feel so bad if i don't think about it.
hands?........not bloody.
good.
feel my face. not bruised. nose? straight.
good.
teeth? all there. not loose.
good.
ok. so far so good.
time?
8:50am.
taste stale beer and southern comfort.
gag.
gag.
gag.
fight down vomit.
vomit hurts the next day.
burns the throat.
burns the nose.
burns the eyes.
don't want to sit up.
will get sick.
don't want to see mirror.
will get sick.
need to use bathroom.
right.
now.
get up.
room spins.
vomit in throat.
fuck.
stagger to toilet.
vomit in mouth.
vomit in toilet.
half on the bowl.
fuck.
have to clean that.
later.
vomit stale beer.
vomit southern comfort.
burns the throat.
burns the nose.
burns the eyes.
clean toilet later.
crawl to sink. rinse out mouth.
spit in sink.
should brush teeth.
won't. don't know why.
so dehydrated it hurts.
should drink water.
won't. would just come back up.
look in mirror. slowly.
what happened?
face is white.
too white.
too pale.
eyes are red.
swollen.
painful.
what happened?
run to toilet.
dry heave.
dry heave.
stomach retches.
muscles spasm.
collapse.
head on toilet.
dry heave.
please stop.
please feel better.
vomit.
bile and blood.
again.
bile and blood.
feel tears running down face.
vomit.
nothing.
dry heave.
nothing.
sweating.
smells like stale beer, southern comfort.....and hurt.
what happenend?
rinse out mouth.
don't brush teeth.
don't know why.
tear off shirt.
throw on floor.
should shower.
won't.
don't know why.
i stink like sick.
and hurt.
flashes.
walking in bar.
beers.
shots.
shots.
shots.
look in mirror at bar.
eyes glassy.
not again.
this is the last thing i will remember tonight.
every time.
no more shots.
just a couple more beers.
grip sink.
look in mirror.
tonight is different.
swaying.
grip sink tighter.
knock on door.
"give me a minute."
ok fucker.
behave yourself.
fuzzy.
more shots.
fuzzier.
yelling.
more shots.
shoving.
fuzzier.
walking out of bar?
was i thrown out?
blackness.
nothing.
was i thrown out?
back to bed.
don't think about it.
everything is better after sleep.
shaking.
sweating.
sick.
hurt.
don't think about it.
just sleep.
when you work it out i'm worse than you.
did you ever see basketball diaries? it is a good movie, and leonardo decaprio is really good in it, but something about it bothers me beyond belief. he is TERRIBLE at basketball. couldn't they have have worked with him prior to shooting the movie? and what kind of man can't at least dribble a basketball?
as a rule i consider unathletic men very effeminine. how do you not play sports growing up?
i saw my pups yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks (had to go home and do laundry. and yeah, why the hell doesn't our house have a washer and dryer??). they were so happy they were crying. that's the best feeling ever. something is so happy to see you that it actually cries. needless to say, i don't often get that reaction from people. they may cry tears of joy when i leave, but that's about it.
pop quiz hotshot
fill in the blank (this should be easy, i'm giving you a work bank):
1. fat black chicks don't ____________.
2. i hate ______________.
3. fat chicks smell like _____________.
4. i have _______ issues.
5. ___________ is an old old wooden ship.
6. old people smell like _____________.
7. i ________________.
8. i may be _________.
9. old people should wear __________.
10. fat chicks take _____________.
11. lesbians enjoy _____________.
12. dwyane wade is _____________.
13. the __________ is good TV.
14. this place is filled with __________.
15. one of my favorite phrases is ___________.
word bank
a. weirdos
b. huge dumps.
c. give a fuck
d. fish sandwiches
e. dead hooker
f. ridiculously good at basketball
g. look good, i mean REALLY good.
h. real world
i. just about everyone
j. pee and medicine
k. anger
l. more clothing
m. diversity
n. mentally retarded
o. ham
inside you're ugly. you're ugly like me.
well maybe not YOU neccessarily. but someone is. there has to be.
so far today:
woke up next to the girlfriend. she asked me to stay home. i wanted to. i couldn't. i cursed and got ready for work.
while drinking coffee on my way to work, i noticed the lid wasn't on tight enough. the shirt i was wearing now has a SWEET coffee stain on it. terrific.
also while driving to work i was stuck behind some asshole driving 35 in a 45. listen pal, i have this drive timed down the minute, don't fuck with me. it's 4:30 am, roll the dice and do the fucking speed limit.
waited 7 minutes in line at dunkin donuts. cursed under my breath the entire time. and how do i know it was 7 minutes? they have a running clock there for the drive through.
new topic:
this is the ugliest gym ever. both male and female. these people are repugnant. some of these animals are so ugly i actually get angry. they shouldn't be allowed to leave their homes. they should be locked away on the "isle of ugly." just an island filled with ugly people. now don't get me wrong, i wouldn't have them live like savages. i would allow them to have running water and electricity, but just don't ever leave the island. they can have generation after generation of ugly kids for all i care. just stay away from my gym.
for the record the island WILL be filled with angry monkeys. they are dangerous. they also bite. and believe me, you DO NOT want to get bit by an angry monkey.
really?
is the phrase "from the creators of
white chicks" actually a good thing? i wouldn't think that it was.
at all.
in fact, if i made a movie i would want the trailer to specifically state: "NOT from the creators of
white chicks."
it's an old old wooden ship
we have a picture up in our house of an old old wooden ship. needless to say, it's name: diversity.
guilty pleasure #345:
all things real world.
yeah. i know. it's the best. and not just the regular seasons, i'm talking gauntlet, inferno, battle of the sexes, and even the new joint, fresh meat. i hate the people that are on it. the fact they don't work and only pay their bills by competing in these ridiculous challenges goes against everything i stand for. but still.......there is something to be said for tonya's sweet rack bouncing up and down. or coral's cutting remarks on everything everyone does. it's incredible. i've been watching these shows for so long it's like i actually know these people. it's sick really, b/c on the surface i would hate all of them. except for the hot chicks. but did i even need to say that? if you are not a fan, i wholeheartedly recomend becoming one. it's on all hours of the day and night, so check it out.
so yeah, i don't really like work. nothing in particular happened so far today, but we both know something will happen. and i won't like it. what i didn't like so far today: waking up at 4:20. kissing my beautiful girl good-bye (she showed up at my house last night in shorts so short it was almost criminal. if you are a girl, you would hate her. ha!). driving behind some asshole that was testing my already paper thin patience. having severe stomach pain for no reason. there is probably more, i'm just too tired/lazy to think about it.
true story!!!!!
the man punted baxter!!!!
good weekends are better than bad weekends. this was a good weekend.
that first sentence was a very profound statement.
took a police test on saturday. it was for the entire state. it opens me up to TONS of jobs. it's only held every 2 years. a gigantic part of me getting a job rides on my score. no pressure. i think i did pretty well. if not, i'm going to start selling drugs. the writing is on the wall. i DID NOT appreciate the fact it was in the high 80's temperature wise in the room i took it in.
other things about the test that bothered me:
the woman that was in charge of reading all the BS you need to read before you administer a test like that. the proctor?? anyway, she was trying to joke around, "no one is smiling today? hot enough for you?" fuck off lady. i'm sitting in a pool of sweat, steam is rising from my skull. just give me the fucking test. also, we have ALL taken these kinds of tests. FILL IN THE CIRCLE HEAVY AND DARK. really? i was going to leave the whole thing blank and hope for the best. idiots. she gave us special instructions about filling in our name, then filling in the corresponding letter underneath. for instance: your name is mike. fill in the cirles for M-I-K-E. are you fucking shitting me? the beautiful thing about that, the girl sitting next to me got lost doing that. she raised her hand and asked for further instruction. they should have taken her test and hit her in the head with a tack hammer. i wish my reaction that that gem had been video taped. the look of pure bewilderment/anger would have been great. anyway, i've been waiting months to take that test, and now it's a waiting game for the results.
sometimes fighting is good b/c then you make up. and by make up i mean do it. a couple times.
people that work out religiously for months, then disappear, only to reappear baffle me. why take time off only to start from scratch again? also, you look terrible.
people that are here everyday and haven't missed a day in months, you also look terrible. what the hell is wrong with you? do you just go home and eat a side of beef chased with boxes of twinkies every day? it's scary.
yeah.
to the animals that use the men's bathroom,
flush the fucking toilet. also, the urinals are meant for just that. the regular toilet, meant for more serious game. please don't piss all over the toilet seat and on the floor in front of it.
thanks,
front counter guy
6:34am
easy psycho.
friday. bitches. not a minute too soon.
i am NOT HAPPY today. surprised? fuck off.
wow.
see. i told you i wasn't happy. not enough sleep. at all. stupid UFC was on until midnight. the woman came over looking hot. i have to be up at 4:20. when it's all said and done that equals no sleep. fuck.
yes i understand it's my own fault. no i can't be held responsible for my actions when the woman comes over looking all hot. i am a weak weak individual.
this is what set me off today:
i park in the back of the parking lot ever since the fender bender i had a couple months ago. no need to EVER have to use insurance again. by the time i walk up to the front door people are either standing waiting at the front door, or they are following on my heels like i'm the pied fucking piper. (for the record, i am not). i am early you fucking lemmings. give me a fucking second to get the key in the door. but i am used to this kind of action. it happens everyday. however, when i went to the back of the gym to flip the breakers to turn the treadmills on, i see a woman messing with them. are you kidding me? she is all smiles, "i thought i'd turn them on." no don't. get the fuck away. go stand on your treadmill you fucking cow of a human being. it will be on shortly. i'm sure you are just as patient when it comes to the buffet line you fat fuck. give me two fucking seconds to turn the computers on before you hit the wrong breaker and turn the power off. HATE!!!
a woman just came in that is so unattractive i wanted to punch her in the face. she is unreasonable to look at.
it's only 6:26 am.
ron, are you paying attention. no.
this really happened yesterday.
on her way home from my house to her's yesterday morning, the woman stopped in to say hi. we talked at the front counter for about 5 minutes. she then walked back to the hallway behind the counter and i gave her a hug and and a kiss (it's private, not a big PDA guy). i walked her to her car, hugged and kissed her again, and slapped her ass before she went in her car and left. she talked to no one other than me, and the whole series of events lasted no more than 7-10 minutes.
now from this interaction a woman came up to me and said the following (i don't remember the exact words, so i am paraphrasing). just so you know, the new woman is very very attractive (don't want to sound like a jerk, but it just helps to demonstate how jealous and crazy women are about other women. ie: this story):
her: is that your girlfriend?
me: yes.
her: what happened to your old girlfriend?
me: we broke up.
her: when?
me: (rolling my eyes) about 5 months ago.
her: why?
me: (not wanting to get into and why the fuck is this any of your business) it just didn't work out.
her: i liked her.
me: (you never once talked to her) so did i. sometimes things just don't work.
her: how old is
this girl?
me: 24
her: really? she looks younger. more like 20.
me: i know. it's awesome.
her: she's not your type.
me: pardon?
her: she's not your type.
me: she's blonde. her eyes are the color of honey. her face is gorgeous and she has the body of a playmate. she is everyone's type. in fact (angrily) she is
exactly me type. (ps. don't EVER talk about anyone i am dating in a bad way. it will get ugly. i am very protective).
her: you need someone older. she is too young for you.
me: she's 24. i'm 28.
her: you need someone that is past their party stage. and more settled down in their career.
me: really? that's funny b/c she doesn't go the bar, rarely drinks at all, and is in charge of a store. (she works retail).
her: she doesn't seem very friendly.
me: what? did you talk to her? or is that an observation you made from 60 feet away?
her: i'm just saying that's how she came off.
me: hmm. next time i'll introduce her to everyone that's here.
her: hrumph (walks away angrily)
so this woman jumped to all these conclusions just b/c she saw me talking to a very pretty girl. women are clearly insane. she is actually very lucky i didn't slap the taste out her mouth.
i love lamp
i fell asleep at 8:00 last night. i was supposed to be somewhere at 8:30. i didn't make it there. instead i woke up at 9:30 and went to the woman's house. i felt guilty for not making it to where i was supposed to go, until she answered the door in a sports bra. all of a sudden i felt a lot better.
waking up may be the absolute worst thing in the world. i haven't woken up feeling refreshed and alive in months. does anyone ever? it sounds like something i would enjoy. it's not looking good anytime soon. then again, i don't think anything is. except for the woman in a sports bra.
in an attempt to seperate myself from the weirdos that come into this place i am making a conscious decision to avoid conversation at all costs. i've been trying for 3 days now. so far people are asking me if i am in a bad mood. the honest answer would of course be yes, b/c i am at work and would rather be home. the reality is i am really trying to avoid small talk, eye contact, and anything else that will invite assholes up to talk to me. so far people just don't get the hint. at all. i hate people.
i also hate clowns.
just so you know.
fuck the world. don't ask me for shit. anything you want you gotta work hard for it.
where i would rather be than here:
anywhere.
three hours of sleep last night. i hate myself.
three hours of sleep everynight. i hate everyone else.
i don't know that i have a single thing of value to say today. that usually doesn't stop me any other day. why should it stop me now?
i think i am breaking down mentally. the lack of money is really starting to wear on me. i try not to think about it, but it's always on the back of my mind. that is a terrible way to live. i think i am going to have to make a serious run at getting a new job. i talk about it often enough. now i have to actually put it in motion. the goal is still the police department, but i need to get something in the interim. living paycheck to paycheck is no way to go. fuck.
wow. that was depressing.
better news. the new woman is incredible. beautiful. sweet. funny. what more can you ask? that makes me feel better. i'll just concentrate on that.
great vengence and furious anger.
the wedding this weekend was good times. it was a very long and expensive couple days, but worth it. the new woman being away actually worked out pretty well b/c being in the wedding party would have taken me away from her for much of the time. we played golf saturday morning which which ran long too. she is not extremely outgoing so i would have had to baby sit a little, and no one wants that. saw some people i haven't seen in a loooonnnnggg, and that is always fun. some old football coaches were there too. and that's always GOOD TIMES.
what's not good times? being here right now. at this second. the woman is laying half naked in my bed right now. her bottoms are some tiny red lace thingy. i had to leave that this morning to come here. just thinking about fills me with "great vengence and furious anger."
i fucking hate work.
update from that crazy bitch with the texts from last week:
she is fucking insane. like really all jokes aside something is wrong with her. crazy house shit. i don't feel like getting into right now. but trust me, she's fucked up.
they stank. and i hate em.
dunkin donuts.
i am in line awaiting my coffee and bagel like i do everyday. an old man (i'm already angry, i hate old people) comes in reeking of cigarettes and stands too close to me. i look at him with evil in my eyes. my evil eyes say, "get the fuck back old man. you stank!" he takes that as an invitation to start up an conversation about fixing engines. i don't even acknowledge him. i put my head down and move two steps to my left. he doesn't stop talking. i look at him, arch my eyebrows, and move two more steps away. he gets the idea and stops talking.
should i feel bad that i am an asshole and don't want to be bothered by small talk while i am waiting for food at 5:30am? i don't, at all, but should i? or should people just learn to shut the fuck up for the 2 minutes it takes to get coffee? at this point i really don't know. all i do know is most of the time i just want to be left alone for. one. fucking. second.
look out. he's raging again.
what the fuck? really what the fuck?
i don't know if it's the fact i haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in one night in over a week (month??) but i am spitting venom today. i am fucking sick of seeing these same fucks every. single. day. with their same idiocy and bullshit every. single. day. fuck.
don't talk about tattoos just so you can show me your new one. i don't care.
don't ask me whether you should get a mustang or corvette. i don't care. i am not impressed with the fact you can buy a new car.
don't tell me your weekend plans. i REALLY don't care about them.
don't tell me about your upcoming trip to puetro rico. it's filled with puerto ricans. and it's a fact that they all have knives, and will cut you.
don't pull up a chair at the counter and talk to me when you see i am on the computer. i am typing about you right now this second. my eyes haven't left the monitor. YET, you continute talking to me. who does that? this jerk, that's who.
i don't care about the trip you went on with your son to visit colleges.
i don't care that your health insurance company won't reimburse your gym membership.
it's not even 7am and these are just SOME of the things people have come up to me with.
it was all bullshit. it was a fucking joke. and when i think of you linda i hope you fucking choke.
again it is friday bitches. not a minute too soon.
i am not as excited for this weekend as i usually am. this weekend will be busy and fucking expensive. i don't like either of those things. my weekends should be lazy and cheap. just like my women. black too.
weekend schedule:
this evening. reherasal dinner for wedding i am in tomorrow. drive to get there: 1 hour 30 minutes. fuck.
tomorrow morning: golf at 9. drive to get there: 1 hour 30 minutes. unless i get a room up where the rehersal dinner is. don't know if i want to shell out for room yet. probably will. if the woman was coming it's a no brainer. hotel sex is good sex. after golf, time for showering then changing for pictures. after pictures ceremony and wedding. drive home: 1 hour 30 minutes.
notes: golf is expensive. wedding gifts are expensive. hotel rooms are expenise. tolls and gass as well. rent and car payment are also due. fuck me running. i need to make more money. or sell drugs. or start stripping. the writing is on the wall.
now don't get me wrong, i'm sure i'll have a great time at the wedding. it's one of my best friends and i am flattered that he asked me to be in the wedding party. a couple of my really good friends that i don't get to see that often are going as well. i am looking forward to it. it just would have been better if the new woman was going too. it's always good to have a partner in crime in these situations.
grab my arm. the other arm. my other arm.
thursday.
thursday.
thursday.
why can't people just walk by me and NOT say something? it's 5:30 in the AM. i don't want to talk. especially to these people. i've been going to gyms since i was 18, NEVER did i become chatty with the staff. i let them be. i had things to do. they seemed like they had things to do. it was a great relationship. not here. (maybe i should have things to do??). people will never just walk by me. they will stop and talk. at times there is a line. a fucking line. as if i were a supermarket. i am not. i have no specials. i do not sell produce. i wish i was joking about the line situation. i am not. leave me alone. i do not initiate conversation. unless you are hot. and even then it is rarely an everyday thing. you have to keep them guessing. so go away. leave me alone.
clearly this is a happy post.
and really it should be a little more upbeat. the new woman is down in south carolina on a mini vacation and while i am somewhat worried b/c she is so damn hot and guys are fucking scumbags (ie: yesterday's post), she has given me no reason to worry. she actually sent me a very sweet text message late last night knowing it would be the first thing i saw this morning. it helped put my mind at ease. so i should be in better spirits. i am when i read it. then i realize i am at work and it goes away. awesome.
other things i know:
i still love the phrase "dead hooker."
i am going stag to the wedding on saturday.
i'm sure my tux won't fit.
living on the water is FAR better than not living on the water.
the body needs more than 4 hours of sleep a night. afternoon naps (while amazingly sweet) do not cut it.
thursday is no friday.
this is fun
on friday the new woman came in to work out. we have a belly dancing class she takes with a friend every friday morning. it's the only time she comes in when i am working as it's the only weekday she has off work. it's thanks to this class that we met, i got her number, i took her out, and somehow convinced her to date me. (i'm actually the best guy ever, so be jealous. well, after you read on you'll tend to not think that. i am the best boyfriend ever. when i am single all bets are off). anyway, she came in to take the class and afterwards was talking to me at the counter when i saw another woman STARING HER DOWN like a crazy person. now this other woman and i may/may not have had a little fling. it happened a couple months ago, and she may/may not already be in a relationship with children. yes, i am an asshole and make poor decisions. BUT, i was single and prior to doing anything with this other woman, we laid the ground rules of this just being a physical thing. a business transaction if you will. well, she broke that rule after about a week. when i was walking out of the gym one afternoon to pick up lunch she followed me out and tried to kiss me. right outside the gym. RIGHT OUTSIDE WHERE I WORK EVERY FUCKING DAY. right outside where anyone could have seen us. i pushed her off and told her, YOU ARE FUCKING MARRIED, ARE YOU INSANE!?!?!? clearly she is. so now you know a little background. and yes i regret doing what i did with this woman. which i why i cut it off even prior to the new woman. don't judge me you fuckers.
so this woman is STARING the new woman DOWN. i don't really think anything of it b/c she stares down everyone i talk to. i walk the new woman to the doors and kiss her good-bye and slap her ass b/c that's what i do. as it turns out the stalker (that's her new name) witnessed the entire thing and starting asking a woman i am close with that works in childcare 20 questions about me and the new woman. the childcare worker informs her that i am dating this girl. apparantly (i was later informed by the childcare worker) the stalker flips the fuck out. now the childcare worker doesn't know the true nature of the relationship i had with the stalker so she is shocked by this reaction. i can't say that i am. i was however, somewhat shocked at what happened next.
the stalker storms out of the gym shooting daggers in my directions. i am used to this. the childcare woman tells me of the insane barrage of questions asked about me and the new woman. i laugh and say "she just has a crush on me." childcare woman tells me, "no, she lost her fucking mind. she thinks you guys (meaning me and the stalker) are dating." i say, "she's fucking married." childcare replies, "good luck with that."
i get a text: fuck you. you fucking scumbag.
it's from my mom. hahaha. it's not, but that would be funny.
i'll relay the rest of this in conversation form, but it was a series of text messages.
her: fuck you. you fucking scumbag.
me: you are very sweet. what is wrong with you?
her: who was that big tittied whore you were talking to?
me: (now the new woman is chesty, but still) i'm dating her. who the fuck are you to get upset with this?
her: fuck you. i though you were different. i see you go for woman with nothing other than looks. you shallow fuck.
me: you need to relax. you know nothing about this girl other than the fact she is incredibly good looking. and it doesn't matter anyway b/c you are FUCKING MARRIED YOU PSYCHO.
her: i hate you. (mental note: girls don't like being called psycho)
me: i'll sleep tonight.
her: i am going to get you fired.
me: interesting, how do you plan on doing this?
her: you got my number from the computer. (this is a lie)
me: first of all, you are a liar. second of all you are crazy. and third of all, be careful of making threats. i'm sure your husband would love to hear about all this.
her: don't threaten me. i'll have you fired.
me: (i've already told my boss about the fact i slept with her last week. he could care less). try your hardest. your husband is a phone call away.
her: fuck you. i hate you.
me: watch your mouth. you don't know what texts i have saved in my phone. he might be a little curious about them. (idle threat. i deleted those weeks ago)
her: i am going to have you killed.
(huh? read that again. i am going to have you killed. i repeat, I AM GOING TO HAVE YOU KILLED. that's good stuff. that's what you want in text message.)
me: wow. that's not crazy at all.
her: you are a dead man. i know people. you fucked with the wrong person.
me: no, i clearly fucked the wrong person. go fuck yourself you crazy bitch.
now all of this is more or less paraphrased, i'm sure there are things i am leaving out and the texting was pretty rapid fire for about 30 minutes so there was more, but you get the idea. this whole situation turned from a business transaction (again, that's just what i call it. there was no actual exchange of money) months ago to death threats.
terrific stuff.
greatest guitar player ever. no lessons. thank you very much POP!!!
no internet access at work angers me to rage levels. especially when i finished a book early yesterday morning leaving me with nothing (other than work) to occupy my time for the rest of the day. luckily i texted someone that was nice enough to pick me up some magazines on her way in. also she is blonde and 21. also, i would french her. i won't b/c of the new woman, but it's a thought. (frenching is fun to say)
so today i DO have the internet. and it's ENJOYABLE.
i have a wedding to go to this weekend. i am in the wedding. i just got fitted for the tux yesterday. my chest and waist don't match up. the woman taking my measurements was muttering things under her breath. i think they were curses. i bit my tongue b/c i don't want to look like some sort of clown at the wedding. due to my poor planning and procrastination i most likely will. good times. i am not looking forward to the wedding for one reason, as of now i have no date. although i am currently dating the hottest girl alive, she left for south carolina last night. (not happy about that either, but i'll let that go). so weak. so angry. i have a long time friend that usually fills the wedding date role when i am single, but she can't make it either. i asked the aforementioned 21 year old, but she has to work. i think i have to go stag. there are some others i could consider calling, but i tend to burn bridges. in a BIG WAY. again, so weak.
more spelling bee
i don't know the rules with crazy plagerizing and all that nonsense, so for the record i DID NOT write this. it is from Bill Simmon's "The Sports Guy"'s archive. it has been cut and pasted without his permission. probably illegally. the first time i read this i almost got fired from my last job for laughing so hard. enjoy.
Great Sports Any Way You Spell It.
Bill Simmons
Editor's note: This article orginally ran on May 31, 2002.
You know it, you love it ... that's right, it's the National Spelling Bee, a spectacle that ranks alongside the Adult Video News Awards and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show as the most secretly captivating telecast on TV.
Has the Spelling Bee ever not delivered the goods? For one thing, you can compete along with the contestants. You learn dozens of words that could never be used under any circumstances. The tension during the contest becomes unbearable at times. And if you're watching this with some friends, the "Mystery Science Theater" potential is off the charts. There's something for everyone.
This year's contest aired live on ESPN Thursday afternoon ... as always, I kept a running diary. Here's what transpired:
1 p.m. -- Welcome to Washington, D.C., for the 75th annual Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee! Our announcers: former Bee champion Katie McCrimmon and Page 2's own Chris McKendry, who handily defeated the Road Dog and David Halberstam in Scrabble during our Christmas party last year. The contest started on Wednesday with 250 competitors, eventually getting whittled down to 40 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 (20 males, 20 females). My goal? To make it through this entire column without poking fun at any of them. I haven't been tested like this in years.
1:02 -- Today's Head Pronouncer: Dr. Alex Cameron, a professor of English at Dayton who could best be described as a poor man's James Lipton. Shouldn't he grow a cheesy beard to complete the Lipton effect? And while we're at it, shouldn't every Spelling Bee moderator have a cheesy beard? That should be in the rule book.
1:03 -- Our first word: "Gloxinia," a greenhouse Brazilian herb. I think I bought this once while I was in Mexico; I got ripped off. Somehow, the 10-year-old boy from New York nails it. You have to love any contest that features people from New York who can spell.
1:04 -- Jacqueline from New York enjoys Irish dancing, basketball and swimming ... but she doesn't enjoy the word "casein" (the principal protein of cheese), which she just spelled wrong. Fifty years from now, somebody will say something to her like, "This cheese doesn't taste like it has enough casein," and she'll snap and kill everyone in the room.
1:10 -- Our next competitor: Charlotte, N.C., resident Ifreke Okpokowuruk, who prepared for the contest today by repeatedly spelling his own name in the hotel lobby. He can't spell "brevet" (a government document). After him, Kevin from South Dakota correctly spells "parabulia" (abnormality or perversion of will power). The next three contestants screw up on "skiagram" (an X-ray photograph), "masseter" (a jaw muscle) and "instauration" (restoration after decay). I actually spelled two of those. I'm 2-for-6 right now. You can't stop me.
1:12 -- All right, I have to ask: What's the over-under on "And this one time, at band camp ..." jokes these kids hear in school during the average week?
1:15 -- Michael from Ohio gets "noumenal" (relating to an object of apprehension), then heads back to his seat as the camera follows him, finally smiling into the camera and looking officially noumenal. That might have been the first time in Spelling Bee history that someone actually acted out the word.
1:17 -- Reason No. 32 why I love the Spelling Bee: ESPN uses some sort of modified version of the "Fletch" soundtrack for the commercial breaks. Is Dr. John Koktostin one of the judges? By the way, I think I've watched too much playoff basketball over the past few weeks -- I keep waiting for one of these kids to spell a word correctly, then pound on his or her chest and point defiantly to the crowd. Way too much Kenyon Martin in my life lately.
1:19 -- Parth Lakhani from Pennsylvania has a bushier mustache than Rudi did during the last two years of "The Cosby Show." Chris tells us that Parth speaks several languages, including Hindi ... that doesn't help him spell "doyen" (the senior male member of the group).
bathyal."1:20 -- After two minutes of procrastinating, Mohammad Bader from Pennsylvania just misspelled "marcescent," described as "withering without falling off" ... which could also describe just about every contestant's stage presence this afternoon.
Meanwhile, Katie tells us that "Dr. Cameron spends months sitting on his front porch working on this list. Grueling preparation." That might be the first time in history that "grueling" was ever used in the same sentence as "front porch." We're making history here at the 75th annual Spelling Bee.
1:24 -- You know, Chris McKendry's hosting job has been absolutely usufructuary so far.
1:25 -- Abhijith Eswarappa. That's not a word, that's a competitor. "He's also a strong mathmetician," Chris tells us, as Katie adds that Abhijith is already being recruited by colleges at age 14 (including Duke University). Sounds a little suspicious. Sadly, he couldn't get "beignet" (a fritter).
(Note: I actually knew that spelling, because beignets are a New Orleans specialty, as I found out during Super Bowl week. Nothing like throwing down some beignets while people are leaving death threats in your hotel room. Good times.)
1:28 -- Just the facts about Steven from Tennessee: He wants to be a video game programmer some day ... his favorite movie is "Shrek" ... he enjoys swimming, drawing, traveling and hyperventilating during spelling bees. Somehow he pulls off the spelling for "sericeous" (having a fuzzy surface) before nearly passing out. Very exciting. It's not officially a Spelling Bee until someone's practically hyperventilating.
1:33 -- Next up: Sarah Yang. You might remember her sister, Ying. She incorrectly spells "spheterize" (take for one's own). I actually got that one -- I'm on a 3-0 streak right now.
1:34 -- Random TV thoughts: Couldn't ESPN show an alternate version of this contest on ESPN2, with Jay Mohr and Jeffrey Ross serving as co-hosts and cracking jokes? Would anyone be against this? What would it be like if Fox ever acquired the rights to the Spelling Bee? Couldn't Fred Williard serve as a co-host one year, just so he could pull his "Best In Show" routine? And why aren't there sideline reporters in the Comfort Room?
1:36 -- Word of the day so far: "pesade" (a maneuver in which a horse is made to raise his forequarters off the grounds without advancing). I'm sure workers in the stables use this word all the time.
1:39 -- Katie again: "Every year we've had more and more home schoolers ... this year we had 10 percent of the pack from home schools." Sounds like a potential "Outside the Lines" episode. Have you ever met anyone who was home-schooled? These people eventually leave their houses, right? Are they allowed to have social contact? I'm brimming with questions right now.
1:41 -- Dr. Cameron's example of how to use "garibaldi" properly: "Antonio followed his mother through the crowded market, keeping a sharp eye on her garibaldi." I don't even have a joke here. Twenty-six spellers still alive.
1:44 -- The highlight of the day: The flashback to the 1997 finals, when the soon-to-be champion hears the winning word ("euonym"), jumps up and down (because she knows it), then shrieks each letter in crazed delight. That's like a cross between Carlton Fisk's homer in the '75 World Series and Carl Lewis singing the national anthem. The greatest spelling bee highlight of all-time, on about nine different levels.
1:46 -- Words from Round 4: "hermeneutics" (the study of biblical interpretation); "soterial" (relating to salvation); "drupaceous" (relating to the skin of a fruit); "garibaldi" (an Italian word relating to a woman's blouse). "breccia" (a rock consisting of sharp segments); "Torquemada" (one who harasses in a manner to injure, grieve or afflict). Feel free to use them in your own sentences, like, "The Yankee fan was arrested for acting like a general Torquemada."
1:48 -- Ladies and gentleman, our associate pronouncer for today ... Dr. Jacques Bailly! He's clearly the second-best pronouncer in the country right now. Think he ever fantasizes about smashing a breccia over Dr. Cameron's head?
1:51 -- Now we're in Round 5 ... our last three words, including back to Round 4, were "graveolent" (having a rank smell), "tonitruous" (thundering), and "barathrum" (a place of misery or torment). We've apparently entered the "flatuence-related words" portion of the contest.
1:54 -- Hey, somebody normal! It's Stephanie from San Francisco, who seems like she's actually ventured outside in the past six months. She just nailed "periosteal" (situated around bone). Come on, Steph! I'm rooting for a showdown between Steph and The Hyperventilator for the championship.
2:01 -- When a kid from Illinois spells "sortileger" (someone who tells fortunes), the judges use instant replay to make sure he spelled it correctly (nope). For God's sake, even the Spelling Bee instituted instant replay before the NBA did. Unbelievable.
2:02 -- All right, I'll ask: What happens in the Comfort Room? Just a lot of crying and back-rubbing? It's like the secret room that David Stern emerges from before every NBA draft pick ... we simply don't know what happens back there. I'm downright intrigued. Do they give each kid a smoking jacket, a massage chair and some spiced-up punch? Are there psychologists back there? I need to know these things.
2:04 -- According to Chris, contestant Mallika Thampy is the sister of George Thampy, winner of the 2000 Spelling Bee. Good times at the Thampy house, huh? Who's up for some Scrabble?
2:05 -- Words from Round 5: "thremmatalogy" (the science of breeding animals and plants); "ortstein" (a cemented or compacted clayey layer in soil); "putsch" (a sudden coup d'etat); "ramellose" (having little branches); "besom" (a broom made with a bundle of twigs); "quattrocento" (refers to the 15th century); "jordanon" (a small, usually localized population). Some good potential fantasy team names in there.
2:08 -- Put it this way: I can't remember ever hitting on someone at a bar and having them say, "Yeah, back in high school, I appeared in a couple of National Spelling Bees."
2:17 -- Katie has perfected the agonized "Ohhhhhhhhh" groan when somebody misspells a word. Right out of the Dick Button playbook. By the way, would it kill ESPN to show Katie and Chris a little more? We have to look at Chris Berman for six straight hours during the NFL draft, but we hardly get any shots of Katie and Chris. Heads are going to roll the next time I visit Bristol.
2:19 -- April Reynolds endured 14 different brain surgeries as a child, she was reading by 18 months old ... now she's being forced to spell "macumba" (a Brazilian ritual or cult). Way too much going on right now. Do you think the Brazilians ever break out the gloxinia bong during the macumba?
2:21 -- Anyone who dares to have any normal outside hobbies can't win this thing. Michael from Ohio (a superb soccer player), Samira from Colorado (a kickboxer), Sarah from Tennessee (designed her own online fashion magazine) ... they're all out. There's a lesson here.
2:22 -- Along those same lines, Chris and Katie have this exchange:
-- KATIE: "About 10 million students start in local spelling bees, now we're down to the best 19 in the country."
-- CHRIS: "How much work do they put out on a daily basis?"
-- KATIE: "At this point? Almost all day."
(Note to self: Don't push kids toward spelling bees.)
2:26 -- Wisconsin's Trevor Mahoney has a full-fledged, Dave Wannstedt-esque cheesy mustache going. Highest of high comedy. This kid is 14 going on 35. Absolutely the highlight of the show so far. You can almost picture him backstage hitting on all the female competitors and showing people his fake ID. Unfortunately, he botches "sculpin" (scaleless bony fishes). Everyone I like keeps getting knocked off.
2:33 -- Reason No. 34 Why I Love The Spelling Bee: Whenever one of the contestants asks, "Is there another pronunciation?" for a word, and Dr. Cameron coldly looks up and says, "No." That kills me for some reason. He would make a fantastic movie villain.
2:38 -- We're done with Round 6 ... 14 kids remain. Also, my right eye won't close. Some of my favorite words from last round: "echinate" (covered with stiff bristles); "limitrophe" (the bizarre decline of Jose Lima over the past three seasons); "resile" (to draw back, recoil or retract); "orpiment" (an orange to yellow material); "verticil" (a circle of similar body parts); "nephelognosy" (scientific observation of clouds); "jacamar" (brightly colored South American bird); "epiphora" (a watering of the eyes due to excessive secretions); "chela" (a pincerlike organ). Are you resiling at some of those words?
2:43 -- If I were contestant Eric Bolt, I'd be pissed that somebody got "caulicolous" (growing on the stems of other plants) right before I got "onychophagia" (the act of fingernail-biting). Somehow he still nailed it ... capping it off with an apparent F-bomb as he left the stage! That was the unequivocal highlight of the day. I think I willed that one to happen.
2:45 -- After the Thampy sister gets bounced, Chris tells us that no sibling has ever won a Spelling Bee after another sibling did. All stats today courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau. "It's so difficult," Katie says. "That's why it's never been done."
2:47 -- Dr. Cameron ventures onto the stage to pronounce "epopt" (one instructed in a secret system), getting two rounds of applause for doing the face-to-face thing with the contestant who couldn't understand the word. That was absorbing. Any time Dr. Cameron's moving around, I'm on the edge of my seat. Of course, after all that commotion, the girl couldn't spell it. "Horrible word," Chris says. I think we all feel that way.
2:53 -- For the definition of "hallux" (the big toe), Dr. Cameron gives this sentence: "The football player became afflicted with an arthritic hallux that affected his mobility." Couldn't he have thrown Shaq in there? Would that have killed him?
2:55 -- The Hyperventilator's back! He just nailed "feretory" (a place for keeping an ornate coffin). He's the crowd favorite right now ("He wears his heart, his emotions, everything on his sleeve,'" Katie says). Let's face it: When you combine spelling, hyperventilating and panicked groaning, you're winning over the crowd every time.
2:59 -- Reason No. 35 Why I Love Spelling Bees: when one of the kids nails a word, then skips back to the seating section and pulls the "I didn't know it!" routine with one of the other competitors, as braces fly everywhere. Just a little Spelling Bee bonding.
3:02 -- We're headed into Round 7 with nine competitors remaining. I actually spelled four words right that round! I want to go pro. Here were some of them: "sertulum" (a collection of scientifically studied plants); "amole" (plants used as a source of soap); "pelisse" (a woman's loose overcoat); "gabion" (a hollow cylinder of wickerwork); "culgee" (a jewel plume worn on Indian turbans); "balmacaan" (a loose boxy overcoat); "kakemono" (something you wear at an Asian massage parlor); "batture" (describes specific land between a river and water).
3:04 -- Here's what the champion wins: $12,000 ... an engraved trophy that looks a little like the Stanley Cup ... an Encyclopedia Britannica set ... Great Books of the Western World ... the 2002 Britannica CD ... a $1,000 U.S. Savings Bond ... the Merriam Webster reference library ... and the new X-rated DVD, "Home School Orgy: Final Exams."
3:05 -- Colorado's Pratyush Buddiga nails "oubliette," defined as a dungeon with a concealed pit. Is that what Buffalo Bill had in "Silence of the Lambs"? An oubliette? It places the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again ...
3:08 -- The star of the day: Nathan from Indiana, who just handled "chirognomy" (palm reading) in about six seconds. He listens to the word twice, then he spells it. He's a machine. The other competitors are getting psyched out. Hell, I'm getting psyched out.
3:12 -- You know, I keep waiting for one of the contestants to miss a word, then magically disappear from the screen with a loud pop, like the contestants during the Charlie Brown spelling bee. By the way, I'm drunk again.
3:19 -- Nooooooooooo! The girl with 14 brain surgeries just got bounced on "tiralee" (a succession of musical notes). Everyone's bummed out. Fortunately, The Hyperventilator advanced on "altricial" (having the young hatch in an immature condition), so at least we still have him around ... and he's strangely serene. The Big H is in the zone right now.
3:22 -- Reason No. 36 Why I Love Spelling Bees: Every contestant's father is either an engineer or computer consultant. You never hear announcers say, "Her dad is a bartender," or "His dad is an assistant manager of a video store." Not gonna happen.
3:23 -- My hallux feels a little stiff.
3:29 -- Fast Nathan takes about 20 seconds to spell "soavemente" (a direction of smoothness in music). I was a little worried there. It's all coming down to him and the Big H. You can feel it.
3:33 -- Kevin from North Dakota correctly spells "uveitis" (inflammation of the iris), as Chris says, "He's still in! He wants to bring it home for North Dakota!"
(Lemme tell you something ... that might be the most exciting thing that ever happened to North Dakota. You would definitely see a highway sign or two commemorating that one.)
3:33 -- The Big H spells "muliebral" (relating to a characteristic of women) to end Round 8. Only five competitors remain, including just one girl -- JJ Goldstein (not a stage name), who spelled "areopagus" (the supreme tribune of Athens) to remain alive. The tension builds. I feel like performing a pesade.
3:36 -- Some words from the last 30 minutes: "pelean" (pertaining to volcanic ash); "badigeon" (plaster); "talipot" (Taliban marijuana); "saxifrage" (showy five-part flowers); "troching" (a small point of a stag's antler); "icteric (afflicted with jaundice); "repoussage" (hammering out thin metal).
(Out of everything today, I think "barathrum" (a place of misery or torment) was my favorite. That would make a good name for my fantasy football team this year: Billy's Barathrum. Consider it done.)
3:39 -- You know, when it comes right down to it, it doesn't get much creepier than close-ups of nervous parents at a spelling bee. Parents holding lucky stuffed animals and crosses, parents videotaping their kids in intense silence, even parents high-fiving their child's home-schooling tutor. Remember what Joaquin Phoenix told Nic Cage as they delved into the world of hard-core porn in "8 MM: "You're gonna see some things ... things you can't un-see." That's a little how I feel right now.
3:43 -- Ouch! Three contestants get bounced right away: Fast Nathan stumbles on "lucarne" (dormer window). Good run. Right after him, J.J. Goldstein fudges "porraceous" (a clear light green color), and Kevin can't spell "miombo" (an East African name).
(That leads to another Spelling Bee highlight -- Kevin's mom trying to kiss him congratulations, while he recoils in horror, pushes her away and screams, "Mom!" A legitimate resiling!)
3:44 -- Before I forget, now that "Two-Minute Drill" has been canceled, can't ESPN launch a series of spelling bees with professional athletes? Could you put a price on seeing Rickey Henderson trying to spell "badigeon?" Or Brett Favre asking for a definition for "ceraunograph"? They could even have Cynthia Cooper be the pronouncer. This couldn't lose.
3:45 -- After the Big H nails "hirundine" (relating to the swallow), we're down to two spellers -- the Big H and Pratyush from Colorado. Actually, we could probably just call him Pratyush at this point.
3:50 -- Feel the drama. First, Pratyush spells "paraclete" (someone called to aid or support). Then the Big H messes up "morigeration" (servile obedience). And since you need to spell the last word of the contest correctly to win the title, Pratyush must spell "prospicience" (foresight), only with the Big H lurking behind him and trying to psyche him out ... high drama here ...
3:52 -- He nails it! Unbelievable! Pratyush Buddiga has done it! He's our 2002 Spelling Bee champion ... and he's hearing some tonitruous applause from the crowd! No chrigonomist or sortileger could have predicted this.
3:55 -- McKendry jumps on stage to interview Pratyush, who acknowledges "troching" almost stumped him and seems way too humble. We might as well do some trash-talking for him:
"I spheterized this contest and turned this into my own personal barathrum! It was all about parabulia, baby! Take these other contestants, build them some feretories and throw them in my oubliette! It's time to get badigeoned! It's Buddiga time!"
this is the anthem, throw your damn hands up.
H-O-V-A.
it is motherfucking friday bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ya heard????
motherfucking friday!!!!!!
and that is enjoyable. nothing goes wrong on friday.
i don't know if you happened to catch what was on last night.....give up? the national spelling bee. terrific stuff. my roommates and i were more excited than we had any business being. no, we do not neccessarily enjoy spelling, but we do enjoy awkward 12-15 year olds doing weird things on national TV. holy shit that's funny. two things all competitors were lacking: social skills and athletic ability. one thing all these kids were: NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a little background: "revenge of the nerds" is one of the best movies ever made. i think we can all agree on that. if not, get the fuck off my site, and pretend you never saw it, b/c mister, you are no friend of mine. if you recall, the word "nerd" is screamed over and over again in this movie. pure hilarity (and genius). if you didn't know i played football in college. my friends and i were assholes. we were your typical jocks. we got (very) drunk, (very) roudy, and (very) beligerant (sp?). we used to frequent the bars with regularity. surprised? i think not. nerds would from time to time frequent these establishments as well. apparantly they broke away from nerding it up to enjoy themselves. WRONG CHOICE. we adopted the same mindset the alpha betas did in "revenge of the nerds." that being, screaming NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whenever nerds were around.
NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was funny then, it is funny now. some things don't ever get old. if anything, they age like fine wine.
so you can bet your ass NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! was screamed on more than one occasion last night.
side note: the winner was from dirty jerz. holla back nerd.
jack handey for that ass
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"
----Jack Handey----
really, does it get any funnier than that? i submit that it DOES NOT.
i look good. i mean really good. hey everybody!!! come see how good i look.
don't go tanning. don't do it. ever. take my back's word for it. it is red. it is painful. it hates me. it is trying to detach from my body. i don't blame it. i don't so much tan, as i RED.
if you do tan, don't fall asleep in the tanning bed. you won't feel your skin burst into flames. you won't hear it sizzle off the muscle either. i didn't. instead i was lured in by the sweet sweet solitude and buzzing blue lights that led me to sleepyland. i am like a moth attracted to the flame. it's not good. neither is my chest and back. they are red. and painful. and hot. again, don't fall asleep in the tanning bed.
also, don't be vain. don't feel the need to look good. don't put your body through the stupid things i do. don't work out for hours everyday. don't watch your diet (i really don't do this one). don't tan. just be happy with who you are. unless you are heavy and/or ugly. in that case, get surgery. lots of surgery. or move to an island inhabited by other fatties and uglies. b/c not to sound like a dick, i don't want to see you. especially if i am eating. b/c that's just gross.
for the record, i will admit that tanning is gay as hell. and i hate myself a little everytime i do it.
this time i hate myself a lot. b/c i am red. and in pain.
