tagged again
i was tagged again by
holly. at least this gives me something to write about.
four jobs i have had in my life: 1. stock boy at a hardware store. first job ever. hated it. carried heavy shit around for minimum wage. miserable. quit after 2 months.
2. lifeguard. best job ever. worked as one every summer from 17-23. my crew had all been friends since we were kids. got paid to hang out and stare at hot moms. also worked as one in college at an indoor pool. basically got paid to read. can't beat that.
3. provider service rep for health insurance company. my first "real" job. miserable. hated it. 2 years of my life down the drain. money was pretty good though.
4. gym manager. current job. eh. not very challenging. not very stressful. enjoyable atmosphere. get paid to flirt with women. needs to pay more.
four movies i would watch over and over:1. dumb and dumber. i've probably seen this over 100 times. i'll probably see it 100 more.
2. anchorman. see above.
3. shawshank redemption. love this movie. one of the best endings ever.
4. clerks. see above.
four places i have lived:1. new jersey.
2. new jersey.
3. new jersey.
4. new jersey.
as you can see i am not fun in this regard. i have always lived in the garden state. even went to college here. sometimes i regret that.
four TV shows i love to watch:1. anything real world. true story!!!
2. hell's kitchen. that chef dude is shot out.
3. the office. brilliant.
4. my name is earl. hey crab man.
four places i have been on vacation:1. san diego. stay classy.
2. las vegas. good times. or so i was told. hazy memories.
3. cancun. good times. or so i was told. hazy memories.
4. bahamas. good times. i mostly remember them.
four websites i visit daily:1. everyone on my blog roll.
2. yahoo fantasy baseball. yeah. i'm a geek.
3. myspace. i hate to admit it.
4. hotmail.
four of my favorite foods:1. anything having to do with buffalo chicken.
2. lobster anything.
3. steak anything.
4. roasted clams.
four places i would rather be:1. on a beach anywhere tropical.
2. laying in bed with my girl.
3. cruise ship to anywhere.
4. on a basketball court with my friends.
updates. updates all around.
went to the knee Dr. on friday afternoon with my MRI results. NO SURGERY!! fucking jackpot. that means i don't have to waste away for the next 6-8 months. such good news. the ACL wasn't torn, it was severely sprained and stretched out. the knee still hurts like a fuck, but it's finally getting better. getting old sucks. i just need to take it easy and start doing some rehab stuff. just about all of which i can do here at the gym.
went and saw my boss' baby on saturday night with the woman. 10 fingers and 10 toes. baby and mommy are safe and sound. the woman picked up a bunch of cute outfits for them after work on saturday. she is the best. my boss loved them all. they had ducks on them. what's not to love? got her talking all kinds of wanting a baby talk. shopping for babies will do that. on the way out of the hospital my boss told us to get married and have a baby. i said, "i want to go practice making one in about an hour." no luck. went to a fair instead.
the fair: what a bunch of hicks. holy shit. john deere tractors as far as the eye could see. no. really. it's a good old fashioned county fair complete with 4H animals, a greased pig contest, and lumberjack competitions. good times. it also comes with carnies. (circus folk. small hands. smell like cabbage). if nothing else the food was really good. they had boston creme funnel cakes too. we bought one and when we sat down to eat it, i looked at my shorts and ALL of the chocolate had somehow found it's way onto my shorts. terrific. the front of my shorts were COVERED in fucking chocolate. not good times. messy, sloppy times. and it was over 90 degrees with tons of biting insects preying on me, so that didn't help matters. so weak. so angry.
that's all i got so far.
also, i hate mondays.
a lot.
tour de gay
i am NOT a fan of the tour de france. not even a little. there is no skill involved in riding a bike. there is a shit load of endurance in doing what they do, but no skill. there is no athleticism in it. therefore, i am not interested in it. it's dominating my sportscenter today. get off.
there are always people biking where live. especially by the shore on the weekends. tons of spandex clad people on the side of the road peddling along getting in the way of traffic. a question for you. at what point do you go from recreational rider to spandex wearing super rider? i've ridden a bike hundreds, if not thousands of times in my life. never once was spandex involved. never. these jokers can't ride around in mesh shorts? spandex is THAT important? do they say to themselves, "you know what, i kind of like riding my bike, do you know what would really add to the experience, fucking spandex. fucking loud and bright spandex at that. let me get the brightest, most yellow, red, and green spandex outfit i can." b/c i think they do. what other explanation is there? it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. part of my goal in life (not including halloween) is avoid wearing tight clothes. it's uncomfortable and weird. these people thrive wearing it. all too often these fucks are overweight too. so not only do i get to see their fat asses hoofing away as i drive by, i get to see their
spandexed fat asses hoofing away. it's terrible. i don't get it.
it's a girl!!!!
i received a phone call at 5:10 this morning from the owner of the gym informing me that an hour earlier he had a little girl. payton kelly. his wife went into the hospital at 9 yesterday morning to be induced, but they eventually had to do a C-section early this morning. i'd been expecting phone calls with the good new all yesterday evening, but the kid just didn't want to come out. we had a bunch of balloons and banners and signs ready to go up. but that damn kid stayed put. so my first hour of work consisted of going up and down ladders hanging shit up. let me tell you something about climbing a ladder with a torn ACL. NOT GOOD. i think my leg fell off.
while i was on the ladder some fuck came up to me and started complaining about someone not putting their weights away. i was already angry b/c of my throbbing leg pain, and snapped. in mid sentance i cut him off, and said, "do you see me on a ladder? i'm 8 feet off the ground on one good leg. do you really need to tell me this now? this can't wait 5 minutes?" he looked at me, and walked away silently. it's like dealing with children here. it reminded me of the little kid that will try to have a conversation with you when you are on the phone. even they learn. fucking morons. i hate these fucks.
congrats boss!!!!!
debt collector
read yesterday's post first, otherwise this will make little to no sense. it might not anyway.
what a fucking fiasco. i drive up to the town this guy is supposed to be in, and realize that mapquest was wayyyyyy off with it's directions. after about 20 minutes of circling around where the street i am looking for is SUPPOSED to be, i just happen to make a turn and run into what i am looking for. at no point did mapquest mention any of that. i find the street, and the address i am looking for just plain doesn't exist. it's a residential area and i'm looking for a business listing. to top that off, the street address doesn't exist. 188 is the number i needed. it went from 180 to 190, with no numbers in between. terrific.
i call my contact and ask him to mapquest the second address i have. since i am way off where maquest originally had me, i don't know where i am going. he gives me the directions and again mapquest is fucked up. again i just happen to make a turn and found myself on the road i was looking for. i find what is supposed to be an office. it's not. it's an equipment rental comany. i park off the lot b/c if there is any kind of trouble i want to be able to take off without fear of being boxed in. i also don't want anyone there seeing my plates. i walk up and ask for the deadbeat i am collecting from. i'm told he usually isn't here, but i can go check his office. it's around the back up the ramp. i go back there and there is an unmarked back entrance that is locked. i go back to my truck for a few minutes and write up a nice little note. something to the effect of "deadbeat this issue isn't going away. forward payment immediately." i actually write two of them, one on the invoice, the other to give to one of the people in the rental office. i stick around for a while asking every new face i see if he is joe (the deadbeat). no dice anywhere. mission accomplished to the best of my ability. i get paid either way.
not that fun a story. a lot of driving. and i didn't get to scare anyone. weak.
yeah.
while very pleasing to the eye, knee braces are both irritating and cumbersome. the true joy is that when i take it off, it feels as though my knee will totally buckle and collapse into itself. good times.
pay up bitches.
yesterday's pipe dream about being in bed by 10....just that. a pipe dream. in reality sleep came to me around 1. that left me with about 3 hours 45 minutes of actual sleep time. at least some of that awake time was put to good use.
a friend of mine offered me a business proposition. his company is owed money for services performed. the total invoice was $14000 and they only received $10000. for all you math majors that leaves $4000 owed. they have tried phone calls and letters for the last few weeks with no reply. before they spend the cash for lawyers to get involved they asked me to visit that company's office and try to "convince" them to ante up. i have free reign to do whatever i want to get this money. i don't plan on getting physical b/c i don't need to be arrested today, and assualt charges are never good. i have so many ideas of what to do running through my head. they are:
1. very little talking with angry intense staring. (also, i'm holding a baseball bat).
2. flip the fuck out like i'm a crack head.
3. a little of both.
4. talking like a reasonable human being. (not the most glamorous choice).
5. drop my pants and just see what happens. (my advice in any situation).
i get paid whether i collect the money or not so there is not reason to go too nuts with this. should be fun though. any and all suggestions for my behavior will be considered. feel free to leave some.
also, should i be flattered or worried that i was thought of to take this role of debt collector?
shoot the moon.
book review time.
finished this one yesterday. i'd read a book of her's a couple years ago, "the honk and holler opening soon." this isn't something i would have picked off the shelf myself, but someone at work gave it to me. it's enjoyable, nothing to go nuts over though. it has the happy feel good ending that you just know was coming, that kind of predictability sometimes bothers me. i would recommend it, but don't go on a killing spree if it's not available.
nothing of any significance.
yes i forgot my lunch today. yes i forgot to bring my laundry today (wednesday being laundry day and all). fuck. of course i remembered this as i was about 1 mile away from my house. close enough to consider going back, yet far enough away where if i HAD gone back, i would have been late to work. i would have much rather remembered when i'd gotten to work. oh well.
i do not feel well today. not enough sleep. ever. waking up at 4:28 (yeah, 4:28) everyday is slowly killing me. today it is quickly killing me. no bueno. hopefully i am asleep by 10 tonight, but since i am sleeping over the woman's house and not even getting there until 9:45, it's not looking good. my knee is getting on my nerves too. i got an MRI yesterday and meet with the surgeon on friday. yay. (that was feigned excitement). i just want this shit done b/c walking is becoming increasingly difficult and painful. good times.
if you are fat, wear a shirt that covers your ENTIRE stomach. just b/c you are covering the upper stomach fat, that doesn't mean the roll at the bottom should just flop around in a pale sweaty fashion. what is wrong with these people?
dunkin donuts has been on the ball lately. now that i've said that, they will totally fuck up tomorrow. can't wait.
i'll never understand this. we have 16 treadmills lined up on our cardio deck. only one is being used right now, and it's on the end. someone just walked up on got the one directly next to it. you have all the rest to chose from, you need to go right there? give a buffer. idiots.
i'll say it again, i work at the ugliest gym ever. it's sickening really.
is there a better feeling than checking your email and finding an ecard waiting for you? gotta love the woman. beautiful and sweet. what a combination.
i'll leave you with this: chuck norris' tears can cure cancer. too bad he's never cried.
think about it.
what a sports nut huh?
you know it's a bad day in sports when a WNBA play is #1 on sportscenter's top 10. pathetic.
tag this
i was tagged by
dylan and never saw it. i swear. i will make up for it.
i have no way of knowing if this is correct or not, so i'll go with what i think is right. my top ten songs that i am listening to right now:
1. ben folds five-the luckiest. first of all, i love ben folds. this is kind of a weird piano laden love song. big fan of anything ben folds.
2. the used-taste of ink. there have been times i've listened to this song like 9-10 times in a row. i love the opening.
3. story of the year-until the day i day. "my hands around your throat and i think i hate you." terrific stuff. pretty much anything by them is can't miss. "sidewalks" was a close second for them.
4. slipknot-duality. this song just straight up gets me going. usually not a huge fan of music this hard.
5. daddy yankee-gasolina. this is more of a joke than anything else. on here strickly b/c it annoys the woman.
6. GZA-shadowboxing. this song will always be on my top ten. anyone who's nickname is "the genius" is going to be good.
7. jack johnson-mud football. this can really be any jack johnson song. especially in the summer time living on the bay. this is a no brainer.
8. unwritten law- rest of my life. a great song.
9. staind-it's been a while. i love songs about addiction.
10. O.A.R- heard the world. love the oar. got tickets this weekend to see them in august for the 4-5 time. anything by them is going to be good, and their live stuff is even better.
none of these songs are new by any means. i don't listen to the radio unless i am at work. ever. i hate dj's with a passion. i hate commercials. the ipod is my lifesaver and musical crutch. i am very particular about my music. country is never allowed. i've heard some of it is good. i don't care, i'll never give it a chance. not a fan of most rap, yet i love anything Wu-Tang or DMX. for the most part i love acustic guitar music. jack johnson, ben harper, ben folds (substitute piano for guitar), damien rice, etc. i do enjoy rock as well. ie; foo fighters, oar, chili peppers, etc. i even have some crappy emo/punk stuff. kids that hate their parents and sing about it make me laugh.
so there you go.
as requested.
my girl is hotter than yours. it's a fact.
interesting reading.
sometimes you open the paper and a member of your gym is on the cover for being arrested as the kingpin of a meth ring. terrific stuff. in all seriousness, due to the nature of his affiliation, i'm leaving it at that.
tag mother fucker
apparently i got tagged by
jazz. usually i am not cool enough to be tagged. i guess now that more than 2 people read this nonsense i should comply.
1. when did you first start blogging and why? per my archives i started blogging on monday, february 21, 2005. i was first introduced to blogs by my friend megan who was going to the gym at the time. she told me about the
hot librarian's site which i thought was the funniest shit i had ever read. since i get extremely bored (obviously) at work i thought why the hell not? it's a good forum for me to rant and rave with relative anonymity.
2. what don't you talk about? hmm. for the most part i try to avoid anything too personal. it's only until more recently i've mentioned anything about the girlfriend. it's also rare that i'll talk about sex. (not with a girlfriend at least). i'll tell stories about it from college and whatnot.
3. are you and your blogging persona the same person? ha ha. that's a great question. what you see is what you get. THIS IS ME. anything i've ever said on this site has happened. i don't feel i need to embellish to impress people i don't know. i do rant and rave in real life too. i've said things to members of this gym that should have gotten me fired. somehow i manage to come across in way that people don't know whether to take me seriously or not. i straddle the line between total asshole and just sarcastic. and oddly enough people here love me. i would hate me.
4. how do you use blogging to build friendships? i don't think i necessarily do. if anything i'll create more enemies than friends with this site.
5. how would you describe your writing style? poor at best. in the technical sense i don't really care about specifics like grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. ill also jump from first to second to third person in one paragraph. it's my site, i'll write how i care too. would i write like this on a paper for class? clearly not. which is why it cracks me up when people comment on my mistakes. i don't care. correct all you like. as for actual style, i have NONE WHAT SO EVER. i write for myself. even when no one was reading this, i still wrote the way i do now. hopefully i can make people laugh. i sure as hell crack myself up.
that about sums it up. correct away douchebags.
monday hates me.
this is pretty self explanitory.
do you know the importance of a SKY PAAAAGER??
how did i never use that as a subject title before? i'm more than just a little disappointed in myself.
friday bitches!!!!
sweet mercy and holy shit it's friday!!!!! bitches.
friday is the best. monday through thursday, no. not even mediocre.
wear sweatpants fatty. the spandex you are wearing are about to burst.
the odyssey that was last night: yesterday was a lot of action. a lot of action. after work i decided to continue my fast from working out, b/c working out with a recently torn ACL just doesn't seem too smart. (i will start upper body stuff on monday b/c if i start shrinking i'll be REAL pissed). my dad recently purchased a grill, but since it wouldn't fit in his car i picked it up in my truck and drove it down to his house. we then got an early dinner. i'm a good son. so far so good. drive back to my house and my roommates decide to go the bar to watch the yankee game. i don't go b/c the woman is on her way over. i call her to see how far away she is and she answers in a cursing tirade. her car is at the pumps at a gas station and won't start. the interior lights come on, but nothing else. she alread called her brother who is right down the road and she's pissed and sweaty (it's 90 degrees out). i offer my services, but i'm about a half hour away and her brother is almost there. they jump her car and she makes her way over to my house. thinking maybe the battery had died, the drive over should have recharged it. when she turns off the ignition at my house she immediately tries to restart the car. nothing. terrific. at this point she is not even a little happy. i just got out of the shower and offer my services by dropping my towel. again, nothing. at least i tried. i'm thinking the battery is dead and she just needs a new one. no big deal. while taking at look under the hood i get bitten by 975 bugs. awesome. it's like 9:30 at night and only certain places are open, time is of the essence. we drive to target b/c it's the closest major store in the area. no car batteries. however the woman decides she needs a bikini. who am i to argue? the bug bites contine to itch. we eventually find our way to wal mart at 10:30. it closes at 11. this is when things get a little weird. we walk into walmart (which i hate b/c around here it is nothing but dirty foreigners and white trash) and it's as if we walk into a new dimension. there are dirty, and i mean DIRTY ass people EVERYWHERE. keep in mind it's 10:30 on a thursday night. all i want is a car battery. apparantly the crazy house just let out the bus here. these miscreants are just milling around like it's a prison yard. well, milling around and staring at the woman. well, staring at the woman then staring at me who is shooting daggers with my eyes at them. i guess they were rearranging the store and just let in a bunch of weirdos to help. but the weirdos are refusing to help. the walmart workers are yelling at them, and they do nothing but mutter to themselves and stare at us. many of the weirdos are like 12-16 years old too. aren't there child labor laws? well, not at walmart. so fucking bizarre. we get the car battery and go to the register to pay. several of the weirdso follow us there and get in line to buy gum and continue staring. i'm in between laughter and bewilderment at this situation. walmart is turned upside down, shit is everywhere, the PA system is barking orders to dirty ass people that refuse to listen, and 4 dirty ass 14 year olds are in line next to us whispering and ogling the woman like she's jenna jameson. we leave and go back to my house. it's still 90 degrees out and i get bitten about 380 more times while replacing the battery. when it's all connected she turns on the ignition and..........nothing. no i'm just fucking around, it started right up. i'm good like that.
prior to finding out about her car, all i wanted to do was be in bed early. no such luck.
however, she did take me up on the offer she had passed up on earlier. which is nice.
chill for a minute doug e. fresh says silence.
someone came in this morning and as always, came to the counter and pulled up a chair to talk to me. he spent about 45 minutes chewing my ear off while my eyes never left the computer screen. then he went home. he never ever worked out. what the hell sense does that make? it was like 5:30 am too? sleep in. who does that? i need to start charging people for wasting my time. fuckers.
i've always been pretty aware of the fact most people enjoy talking about themselves almost exclusively. it became painfully obvious today. a woman came up to me and asked if i was going to a concert we had both been intersted in going to (not together mind you). i told her i would be unable to go, as i had recently torn my ACL and standing for a couple hours wouldn't be a good decision. she then went into a rant about how excited she was to go, as if i didn't say a word at all. no concern, no "feel better," nothing. not that i was neccessarily looking for that, but still. at least pretend to show concern for another person.
i hate these people.
sleep hates me.
i will admit he's a snappy dresser though.
if you would only listen you might just realize what you're missing. you're missing me.
i love me jack johnson. maybe i know every song by heart. maybe there's no maybe about it. i do. what of it? maybe i love his friend ben harper too. got a problem with that? i didn't think so.
the dr.:
first of all, what a pain in the balls just to get them to see me. referrals are utter bullshit. my PCP never called the referral in to my insurance company so before the specialist could see me my PCP had to call my carrier to then get a referral # so i could be seen. i avoid my PCP at all costs. all he does is take my copay and tell me to see someone else. fuck you. i cut out the middle man by demanding a straight referral. i'll go to who I want to go to. so that whole situation to at least a half hour to correct.
before i see the dr they give me an x-ray. while positioning my leg for the x-ray i realize just how unstable and fucked up it is. it feels mushy. it feels like jelly on the inside. it feels wrong. once they finish the x-rays the dr comes in and starts the examination. after fiddling with my knee for about 20 seconds he says nonchalantly, "yup, your ACL is torn."
fuck.
that was what came out of my mouth.
"i agree," is what he said.
he couldn't tell the exact amount of damage done so i am being scheduled for an MRI within the next few days. i have another appointment to see him next week to talk about the results of the MRI.
there is a 99% chance i'll need surgery. even if it's only a minor tear (which i don't think it is) i'll probably need to get it fixed. it won't heal itself and since i'm very active i'll be in constant pain like i am now unless i get surgery. there is only so much rehab and knee braces can do.
the timing of it sucks. not that there is ever a good time to hear news like that, but summer time? ugh. i play basketball as much as i can (which is how i did it) and softball every sunday (which i how i finished it off). they are bigtime highlights of my week. to have to sit around and do nothing is not my idea of fun. neither is limping around on crutches. however, the challenge of rehabbing it does have a sick appeal to me.
so that is the situation as of today. i don't want to get too far ahead of myself until all the tests are done, but it's not looking too good.
there are worse things that can happen and i know in the long run i'll be fine, if not better.
but still......FUCK.
hey. smile!!!!
hey. shut the fuck up.
i often wish i had anonymity here at work. i don't. far from it. very far. i am the face of the gym for the 8 hours i'm here (i refer to that time as hell on earth). i am in a lot of pain today. therefor, i am NOT smiling. don't tell me to. if i wanted to smile and be mr. happy guy i would. i don't. in fact, if you knew me at all you wouldn't expect that for even a second.
one thing i miss about my old office job is being able to hide from time to time. not feeling well? stay in your cube all day. bad mood? go take a little break for a while. since i am the only employee here (i don't count childcare or aerobics instructors) i have nowhere to go. i can't just hide somewhere. so i more or less always need to be "on." this means i have to have WAY more conversations than i would ever want to. i am not good at faking happiness. today and yesterday i've been irritated and surly. (more so than usual). i am gimping around trying to avoid hurting my knee worse than it already is. i am in actual physical pain, so please don't tell me about your weekend at the shore, or your night out at the bar. i don't care about these events when i feel fine, why would i care now?
knee pain is not good.
i think my knee is pretty fucked up. it is swollen real bad and hurts like hell. i did something to it last week playing basketball and i finished the job sunday playing softball. why did i play softball with my knee already hurting? b/c i'm an idiot. happy?
a list of injuries i suffered in college playing football:
freshman year: broke my elbow when a teammate's helmet hit it and bent it the wrong way in a game. it was my first start of the season and it was in a monsoon. i heard it POP but stayed in the game. i made 4 more tackles with a broken arm. i knew my season was over and wanted to finish strong. i am hardcore.
junior year: broke my nose on a friday before the game on saturday. while catching a punt during practice i ran into a teammate and since my chinstrap wasn't buckled my helmet went down hard and broke my nose. i played in the game the next day and everytime i made a tackle the helmet would again hit my nose and my eyes would tear up. the accompanying black eyes were a nice touch.
senior year: tore my right quad during preseason camp. there was internal bleeding and my leg turned purple and yellow. due to overcompensating for the right quad i then pulled my left quad. not as badly, but still not good. also tore all the ligaments in my shoulder in the second game of the season. my shoulder fell out of the socket and i had to put it back in on the field. the rest of the game it kept sliding in and out. that continued for the next week. i would wake up and my arm was out of the socket. i would shower and my arm would slide out of the socket. this led to surgery a week later. at least i finished the game. i am hardcore. this was a blessing in disguise as i was awarded a medical redshirt and was allowed to play another year. that next year we had the number one defense in the country. the year i got hurt we sucked. real bad.
i have an appointment to see a knee specialist today. i am hoping it is just a bad sprain and nothing too major. the idea of knee surgery doesn't appeal to me. i'm sure the dr will send me for an MRI so i won't know anything definitive for a couple more days. so weak.
football is fun.
my thoughts on work today.
as you can see, i'm not a big fan.
my boy is back.
seth berkman was returned safe and unharmed yesterday morning at my softball game. i received a phone call early sunday morning requesting the drop be made in the dugout across from our field at 10 am. i was late, but the drop was made. seth was in the dugout in one piece. relief was not the word. my boy is back home hanging in our front living room (affectionatly referred to as the "lodge" b/c the entire room is made of wood). thanks for all of your concern.
reunited. double LP world's excited. struck a match to the underground. industry ignited.
real good weekend. lots of beach. lots of sun. lots of food. that's a recipe for good times.
waking up at 4:15 am monday morning and going to work, that's a recipe for BAD times.
i love the beach. it's enjoyable on many levels. the weirdness of people never ceases to amaze me.
examples:
sneakers and socks. really? there's sand. lots of it. it will get in your sneakers (and socks). that's not comfortable. buy some sandals.
jeans. it's fucking hot out. wear shorts. better yet, wear a bathing suit. (the woman surprised me with the one in the pic. i love loud obnoxious swimwear).
long sleeve shirts. again, it's fucking hot out. wear a tee shirt.
men in speedos. oh yeah. there was some of that. too much. even a little of that is too much. very euro. very hairy. very bad.
fat chicks in two pieces. wow. is this neccessary? a big part of me (gag reflex) is gonna say no, it's not. i am not against fat people at the beach persay (someone has to make me look good), but let's be reasonable about this. cover up. cellulite and stretch marks make it hard for me to eat. and i enjoy food.
big ass beards. the thought of that makes me uncomfortable. shave you dirty motherfucker. that shit can't be comforable.
hairy bouchwas (boo-sha-wa). take care of yourself down there. buy a hair clipper. better yet, a razor. even better yet, pay for a waxing. any visible hair in that area WILL make me throw up. fuck.
men that can't throw. this probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it does. there is nothing more effeminine than a man that throws like a girl. it really really bothers me. if you can't catch or throw, don't bring a football.
13 year old girls annoying me. is jimmy going to call? i hope he does. i hope he comes here. OH MY GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE DOES? i think i'll die. do you think he'll do that? i hope he does. etc, etc, etc. little girl, you are trying my patience. jimmy hates you.
the beach is fun.
my girl is the beautiful thing in the world. it's a fact.
random thought
i've been running this site for over a year and i didn't post a picture or any graphics until like 2 weeks ago. now i can't stop.
take my advice, avoid the desert.
this movie is the reason i am so tired today. the woman brought it over and we didn't start watching it until late. i don't know if you knew this or not, but the hills do in fact have eyes. more importantly they have crazy ass mutant people that can only be killed with axes to the skull. mental note: if driving through desert bring axes. lots of them. also, bring some water. that just makes sense.
it was pretty good. i enjoy a good scary movie and this had it's share of "shock scenes." i don't enjoy mutant children, and this had plenty of that too. i would recommend it, but it's not about to win an oscar.
also, no nude scenes so that's a minus in my book.
don't judge me.
gangsta. y'all just wanna bes. federal agents on the sceen.
friday bitches!!!!
you get that? it's friday bitches!!!!!
sweet lord thank you. i am so fucking tired today. more so than usual, and i am usually exhausted. i blame the woman. why? b/c it's easy to point fingers.
if a middle age woman asks if she can tan, you should reply, "hey, it's your world." she will be confused and you will laugh silently to yourself. and that's what it's all about.
my brain isn't working right now. not that it ever really does, but it's worse right now.
this book over here.....it's legit. i just finished it yesterday. yes, even dumb jocks can read. i read about a book a week. impressed? i also lift the seat up when i pee. now i KNOW you're impressed. if you've never read anything by harlan coben i recommend picking something up. i've read about 4-5 of his and have been impressed everytime. so if you don't know, now you know nigga.
all joking aside there is this weirdo fuck that comes in here that i think gets dropped off by the psycho ward everyday. he dresses in ridiculously mismatched clothing and mumbles to himself the whole time. he would be a source of humor, but he is dirty and just creepy looking. i refuse to touch his key tag thing and just wave him by everyday. he came up to ask me a question a couple weeks ago and had a fucking wad of snot just hanging off his face. i actually dry heaved at the time, and even thinking about it elicits the same response. fucking sick.
have you seen this boy?
i bought this picture at a yardsale the weekend before i moved into my house. my now roommate and i were driving to go somewhere and happened to stop by. i am usually not a big yardsale guy, but since we didn't have all that much for the house we thought we might be able to pick something up for cheap. did we ever. we were going through their shit and happened across this picture. i don't know how much you can see of it, but it's of a kid at tennis camp (camp kennybrook to be exact) from 1985. the fact that someone was SELLING A PICTURE OF THEIR KID FROM TENNIS CAMP struck me as so random and funny i had no choice but to buy it. i bought it for a dollar, but between you and me, i would have paid seven. think about it, you are going through your house looking for things to sell at a yardsale, and BAM....your son's picture from tennis camp. why wouldn't you sell it? the beauty of the picture is the fact the kid is wearing REALLY short tennis shorts and high ass socks. he is also smiling ear to ear. apparantly he is a BIG fan of tennis camp. i still think it's the funniest thing in the world. is it kind of creepy? oh you bet. that only adds to the comedic value.
after this SWEET purchase we decided to give this kid a name and background story. we named him Seth Berkman, b/c why the hell not? he looks like a seth berkman. the background story is he was one hell of a tennis player, taking second overall in the singles tournament that year at good ol' camp kennybrook (which happens to be in NY for all of you that are wondering. yeah we looked it up). we're assuming he lost to an up and coming matts wilander. he won firt in the doubles tournament which is ironic b/c he is generally a selfish person. his dream to play professional tennis was tragically cut short by a freak knee injury. forced to retire from the game he so loved he turned his attention to academics. he studied hard and although he wanted to be a vet, his father forced him to become a CPA. (there is still a lot an anamosity over this). with this rift in their relationship the parentes decided to sell all of seth's tennis memorabilia, thus this picture landing in our lap.
this picture HAD a prominent spot in our house and was one of the main talking points on the house tour. it was either very well received and thought to be hysterical, OR people just thought we were weirdos. either way, everyone knew about seth. we loved him like the weirdo tennis playing son we never had, or even knew for that matter.
that was, until last week's 4th of july party.
i walked downstairs the day after the party and was immediately informed that seth had been *GASP* stolen. you can only imagine the look of horror and confusion that came across my face. fury. who would do such a thing to our beloved seth? well, it could have been just about anyone. we've made a lot of enemies. everyone there had some kind of motive. my roommate had pissed in someone's basement the week earlier. we had tossed someone's cooler in the bay earlier that night. the list goes on and on. we were going through the list of people at the party when i decided to check my email. it had a message from a "Lance" on my myspace account, and not knowing any lances i opened the message. this is what i received:
you know what we have....if you ever want to see your precious picture again, you better listen!
respond to this email within in 48 hours or the picture will be destroyed.
If we find out you went to the authorities...the picture will be destroyed
more to come......
the picture on the account was of our boy seth.
i responded with:
is my boy still alive?
i want proof.
him:
consider yourself warned. I contact you! YOU DO NOT CONTACT ME...UNDESTAND!!! I'm holding all the cards now. Contact me first again and you will be sorry.
You will need to collect the following items or you will never see your boy again.
1. 1987 Topps Rafeal Santana Baseball card .. 378(brown borders)
2. 6-pack of Mickey's Malt Liquor grenades (the little green wide mouth bottles).
3. two Take 5 candy bars
4. one trojan rubber
you have until noon on Saturday the 8 of July. Failure to collect the following items will result in non-compliance and a destroyed picture. You will send me a message by the deadline or else.
If this is accomplished we will call you on Saturday to discuss the drop off point. Tentative exchange will take place on Sunday the 9th.
I hope for your boy's sake you accomplish the task at hand
him:
tick tock.....tick tock.....tick tock
me:
i have the items in hand. i need another visual confirmation that my boy is ok before a drop is made.
him:
once again...I CALL THE SHOTS!!!!! you dont tell me when a drop is made....I'M IN CONTROL. I hope for your sake you have all the correct items or you are dead. The exchange will take place tomorrow evening (sunday) provide me with a number you can be reached at. If you do not answer my call within 5 rings and I get and answering machine...picture destroyed. COME ALONE OR ELSE!!!
me:
i gave my number. (i'm not about to give it to you weirdos).
him:
the drop off will take place this Sundau, possible in a beach community, possible (blank), NJ. More info gto follow. Make sure you have the goods and your phone is on, or you will never see the boy again. Also, please set up a meeting with me and the blond in your pic.
me:
the meeting with the blonde is not looking good. don't get your hopes up.
so this is an example of what kinds of friends i have. people not only willing to steal something from my house, but also go to these lengths to entertain themselves. the entire situation cracks me the fuck up b/c it is something i would totally do. we have narrowed it down to a couple people in particular. the culprit is someone clever enough to even hatch a scheme like this. most of my friends are fully capable of doing something like this, they just lack the wherewithall to go through the hassle of setting up a myspace account complete with pictures of my boy. (one of the pictures was taken in parking garage somewhere which totally through us off). again, all of this over someone elses son's picture.
you took a trip, and climbed a tree. at robert sledge's party. and there you stayed, till morning came. and you were not the same after that.
a guy just joined here who was supposedly a bigtime body builder back in the day. i think he thought i was going to know who he was b/c when i checked him in, he lingered waiting for me to say something. i just turned around and went back to the computer. someone else came up and asked me his name, when i told him he informed me that he was in fact a big deal. i disagree. body building is not my thing. little speedos, oiling up, shrunken balls. not the life for me. and even if i did recognize him, what the hell was he expecting me to do? ask for an autograph? go away.
there is someone just standing at the counter waiting to strike up a conversation with me. i have no desire today. so i am going to continue to type hoping against hope he'll just get the idea and go away. they never do.
he finally left. i am happy.
playing basketball the other night when it was 90 degrees and 90% humidity, not the best idea. may have almost suffered heart attack. but it was good to find out my trick knee is in fact, still a trick knee. one day i might be 100% healthy. it's not looking good, but i can hope.
there is nothing in the world worse than the WNBA. to say i simply loathe it would be a HUGE understatement. i know i wrote about this once before, but i'm not about to read though my nonsensical ramblings to link it. all i know is it is on my sportscenter and that makes me angry.
i'm on a mission that niggas say is impossible. when i swing my swords they are choppable. i be the body dropper, the heart beat stopper.
guy at dunkin donuts, you are really trying my patience. so many messed up orders. so many coffees made the wrong way. charging me a different price everyday even though i get the same thing. what is that? how does that even happen?
i don't known if anything makes less to me than people working out in jeans. first of all, we have a no jeans policy. i don't enforce it too strictly b/c the people wearing them are not normal. what normal person wears jeans to the gym? secondly, how uncomfortable is that? jeans are not breathable if you catch my drift. they chafe. (yeah, i don't know how to spell that). thirdly, who the fuck wears jeans to the gym. you don't see anyone else wearing them? get comfortable you idiot.
the water salesman: we order many of our drinks from a local vendor. snapple, gatorade, and water are all bought from the same place. this place has a salesman that comes here once a week to see if we need anything. this guy is an asshole. he bugs me. a lot. i came to find out he only gets commission on sales that he makes in person. therefore, if i call an order in, he gets no commission. that is fun. i NEVER order from him. there are times he's come in, i've said "yeah, we're good. no order this week." then called and placed big orders. don't annoy me. lately he's started actually following me into the storage closet to check with me. i let it slide a couple times b/c i just don't want to talk to him. (and really i couldn't be more of a dick to him if i tried. it's pretty funny). yesterday i'd had enough. to get to the storage clost you need to walk through our childcare area. as i opened the door to childcare i could feel him at my back. i opened the door and slammed it behind me, literally slamming the door into his legs and chest. after hearing the impact against him, i took a quick glance into the closet and said, "yeah. we're good this week." i'm placing an order tomorrow. fucker. don't annoy me.
will it ever stop? yo, i don't know. turn off the lights, and i'll glow.
i walked into dunkin donuts with the best intentions. all i wanted was two coffees. one for myself, one for one of the members that tips me way better than anyone should. that's all i wanted. as i crept closer to the entrance a smell of donutty goodness overwhelmed me. the stomach made demands, and against my will donuts were ordered. damn you dunkin donuts. you evil (and probably slutty) temptress. (they were so damn good though).
i'm pretty sure the slob from a couple posts ago is cancelling her membership. JACKPOT!!! i really couldn't be happier. i can't put into words how furious i will be if this isn't true. i'll find out for sure relatively soon. i may have to go as far as calling the billing company to confirm it. the prospect of a (more) quiet morning is almost too much to consider. if she DOESN'T cancel, there will be hellfire and brimstone thrown at her everytime she walks in the door. good times.
there is a fine line between evading the police, and what i like to call "smart driving." this morning there was some smart driving. it involved a cop passing me in the other direction while going over a hill. seeing his brake lights disappear over the hill prompted me to fucking floor it and make some quick turns before he could get back over the hill. with no one the wiser.
won $20 last night betting on the homerun derby. thank you ryan howard. he was smoshing the ball. (my roommates and i enjoy betting on trivial things.)
i can't see that zidane world cup head butt enough. what the fuck was he thinking? like no one would notice that? i'll tell you what i do appreciate about it...the force he threw it with. i've done some head butting (yeah, sometimes it happens) and it fucking hurts if you don't do it right. i like his effort on it, the timing was just a little off.
work eats it.
my baby got sauce. you're baby ain't sweet like mine.
this is me and my baby. she is the most beautifulest thing in this world. for some reason an idiot like me gets to be with her. sucker.
do anything i can to dodge the bus stop blues.
fuck monday. i had a great weekend.
had people over friday night. not too many, but a couple. woman was with her her friends. separately had good times. there is a lot to be said for that. if she or i couldn't enjoy time apart my head would explode.
went to beach with her on saturday. other than the debacle that is beach parking had a great time. i didn't have to beat anyone's ass for staring, BUT she did (as always) look amazing. i am lucky. went and got awesome mexican food after that. i ordered enough for myself that the waitress looked at me funny. go to hell. i like enchiladas. a lot. later that night more people came over for the UFC fight, which totally sucked. oh well. $40 up in smoke. still, i love that ultimate fighting shit. it's addicting.
had softball yesterday, won both games. played pretty well. hit my second homerun of the summer, which is always nice. too bad it was one million degress out. spent much of the rest of the day on the couch. watched "fear and loathing in las vegas." i haven't seen it in years. i forgot just how fucked up it is. it makes me want to do drugs. and i don't even do drugs. maybe i should start. and then go to las vegas. it worked for hunter s. thomson. although he just died recently, so maybe not.
something funny (at least to me) was pointed out to me this weekend. my ability to be a dick without realizing it.
two recent examples:
1. the woman and i went and saw fireworks last week on the 4th. while we were leaving i heard someone call my name. naturally i turned around and saw some geek from the gym. i use the term geek to be nice. this kid is a weirdo. he's like 22, with poor social skills. i'd feel bad for him, but he's annoying. really annoying. so he starts talking me up as i am dragging the woman away across the sand (we were at the beach). he then gives me, "let me introduce you to someone." when i let loose an audible, "ugh". i didn't even realize i had done it until the woman dug her nails into me and gave a look that says, "what is wrong with you." (i know that look very well). so introductions are made all around and he asks the woman, "so you live in philly right?" my jaw drops and my eyes roll. fucking great. the ex lived in philly. the woman actually handled it well by saying, "no, that's one of his
many ex's." that prompted me to say, "thanks dan (the geeks name), that wasn't awkward at all. maybe you can key my truck later too." i then manage a quick getaway by saying we were parked far away. he was still talking as i literally drag the woman out of there. if you see me out, don't start up a conversation with me. a nod, or a hello will do. we aren't friends.
2. while waiting to place the order for mexican food on saturday someone cut us in line (you order at a counter and then they bring you your food). again without realizing it i mutter, "motherfucker, where do you think you're going?" i thought i had said "excuse me." aparantly i didn't. i am a jerk. people stared. the woman was embarassed. don't cut in line. if you cut me in line i will curse at you. the couple that did it got behind us. abide by the rules of society. if there is a line, you don't cut.
the humor in this is the fact i did these things without realizing it, and while thinking i said something totally different. these were just snap reactions. i don't think these neccessarily make me a dick, i just want to be left alone. i don't talk to people i only know in passing. so don't talk to me. i don't cut in line. so don't cut me.
what the hell is wrong with everyone else in this world?
me and monday. (again).
this is a picture of me and monday. he doesn't like me. i don't like him. as always he has the better of me. bastard.
(he's holding a gun. drawing is hard.)
i'm a b boy, standing in my b boy stance. hurry up and give me the microphone before i bust in my pants.
it's friday bitches.
ya heard? it's friday bitches!!!!!
usually i stare friday down on the schedule. since this week was broke up by my day off on tuesday, it isn't as significant. don't get me wrong, i would slit someone's throat if i had to work tomorrow. but i wasn't AS dying for it. i'm sure next week will be twice as miserable having said that.
i have NOTHING planned for this weekend. first time in a LOOOONNNGGG time. no weddings. no parties. no etc. may try the beach tomorrow with the woman depending on the weather. hoping it's nice b/c she looks ridiculous in a bikini. although i will have to keep my sanity when she gets stared at. i get crazy like that. i've started fights in the past. yes i am crazy. yes i am aware of this. look once, ok fine. look twice, watch yourself. just fucking stare? there are problems. i'm not complaining, b/c that would be complaining about having a hot girlfriend. and after all, as she constantly reminds me, she is there with ME. still......
i am so much happier at work on fridays. it's like i'm a whole new person. i still hate everyone in here with a passion, but it doesn't wear on me as much.
WAIT, just remembered, getting UFC on saturday night. should be good fights. 2 HUGE fights.
the slob just walked in and walked right on by me. so worth it.
the cutie texted me last night saying she missed me.
see? it all works out.
the term "dead hooker" still makes me laugh. i told that to someone once, she looked at me like i was the devil. she's not too far off.
anyone i know named lou will undoubtably be called "sweet lou". i don't know why. i'm a weirdo.
another pic
i'm sorry for the lack of a no pants pic. to make up for it (it won't) here is one of me as richard simmons for halloween two years ago. i bought that shirt at a woman's dance store. when i walked in the the workers thought i was some kind of pervert. they were right, but not for the reasons they thought. i then explained to them the reason for my purchase. they made me return to the store with full costume pics. the rest of the costume included short spandex shorts and leg warmers. i looked good. i mean, really good.
hey carl. good to see you!!!
it is pouring outside. it is summer. it's supposed to be nice out. it's not. that makes me smile. fuck it. i'm at work. what the hell do i care how it is out? i prefer torrential downpours b/c people are much less likely to come in here and bother me. and really, it's all about me. however i will now be stuck having this conversation at least 20 times today:
idiot: how bout that rain?
me: yeah.
idiot: blah blah blah blah
me: FUCK OFF!!!!!!!
it might not go exactly like that every time, but i assure you it's pretty close.
on a totally unrelated topic: i don't like ugly girls. i have no use for them. there is a very ugly girl that comes in here and talks my ear off. i've told her to leave me alone on hundreds of occasions, she doesn't. she thinks i am joking. i assure her i'm not. the sight of her makes me throw up in my mouth. she has propositioned me on numerous occasions. i have actually laughed in her face. she asked why she wasn't invited to my july 4th party, i told her "let's be serious. i don't want anyone thinking i even know you." i wish i made that up. i didn't. i usually don't resort to such cruelty, but i think she gets off on it. not anymore. we are going to refer to this girl as "the slob."
(that's the background, here's the good part)
i've been working out with a 21 year old cutie for the past month. she wanted to start lifting weights and she asked me if i could train her. i don't like training people persay, but she is a cutie and we've had this flirty thing going on for like 2 years so i told her i would work out with her. not train, but work out with. i put her through my routine. it's going fine. we have fun working out together. very flirty, but nothing more than that. i ask her if she has a boyfriend, she says no. she never asks me my dating status. i would have told her i had a girlfriend if she asked. she didn't. did i lie by omission? you bet. but honestly the topic never came up. did my girlfriend know about it? fuck no. i'm not an idiot. again, i never crossed any lines with this girl. but truth be told, i was counting on her as a backup if things with the woman went south. not anymore. we are going to refer to this girl as "the cutie."
the slob and the cutie kinda know each other b/c the cutie worked at a tanning salon the slob went to. anyway, the other day the three of us are at the counter b-sing and this happens:
the cutie: i'll see you later to work out right?
me: yes
the slob: how does your girlfriend feel about you guys working out together?
mother fucker.
me: she's fine with it.
the cutie: (face bright red) i have to go. (runs out the door).
the slob: (kinda laughing) i have to go too.
me: you miserable fuck. are you fucking kidding me?
the slob: don't curse at me.
me: fuck you. that was totally unneccessary.
the slob: i didn't mean anything by it. i didn't think it was a big deal.
me: get the fuck out of my face. don't ever ever talk to me again.
the slob: (eyes welling up) uh uh uh
me: GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME.
damage control: i text the cutie and her responses are short and angry. she then tells me yesterday she doesn't want to work out with me anymore. she is visibly upset and not in a talking mood. i let it go. i then remember that i did ask her out a couple months ago and she kinda blew me off. (she did ask me out a couple weeks ago and i said no). no big deal. i also remember that we never even saw or talked outside of the gym. so i am not feeling any guilt over this. the slob walks in yesterday and for the first time in two years she doesn't stop and talk to me. it was worth it just for that.
a lot of action
i'm the (good looking) idiot in the middle.
my whole week is messed up. since i work like a dirty mexican and never take off, my whole schedule is outta whack. i took off yesterday and kept thinking it was saturday. it wasn't. not even close. it was tuesday. that means today NOT being sunday, i have to work. fuck me. days off are nice. i need to take more of those. much more.
so we had a party on monday night. and yeah, things got a little weird. you know that will happen when people start coming over and drinking at 5pm. i was still out buying food and i was getting phone calls from people at my house. terrific. now to set the scene, imagine just a shit load of people that have all known each other for at least 10 years, in many cases 20 years. imagine all of those people getting shit canned drunk for about the millionth time together. now throw in fireworks, beer games, and a bay to jump in, and that is a recipe for good times/disaster. (it's all in the eyes of the beholder). lap dances were given (by me), clothes were removed (by many), sinks were thrown up in (not me), and 18 year old neighbors were made out with (sadly, not me. damn girlfriends ruin everything). good times.
yesterday's clean up.....not such good times. well worth it though.
went and saw fireworks on the beach with the woman last night and got ice cream afterwards. see, i can be nice too. just not often.
art 101
this is a picture of WORK throwing me off a building. it's pretty good. it's not drawn to scale though.
go away, need sleepy.
just miserable.
that's the best way to describe my attitude right now. not that it is ever what i would consider "good," but it's even worse today. sleep last night, minimal. sleep the night before, also minimal. usually i attempt to make up for my lack of sleeping during the week on the weekend. not so this weekend. for various reasons sleep was interrupted and never regained. fuck me. so today is like a 9 day lack of sleep hangover. and we are having a HUGE party at my house tonight, so that will lean towards disaster for my body. on the plus side, i did take off tomorrow so i am hoping to literally sleep all day long. i don't want to see sunshine tomorrow. just blankets, AC, and pillows. and the woman naked of course.
about the party. it's going to get out of hand. it's going to get ugly. people are going to get loaded. people are going to get high. people will jump in the bay. people will be thrown in the bay. laughs will be had. it's exciting. not looking forward to the aftermath tomorrow, but i will enjoy tonight.
that is, if i can stay awake.
