the jerk store

I feel like #2

2009-02-18T17:45:00.003-05:00

I ate a pound of swedish meatballs today.

Why?

B/c when I was at the sub shop/market getting a sandwhich for dinner last night I saw them there, and they looked delicious. They were at first. I have 4 left. They are not nearly as delicious now.

Oh god.

Wow

2008-11-13T18:43:00.002-05:00

You know it's been a long time in between posts when you don't even remember how to sign in. Yikes!! I have a google email account? Apparantley so, as I needed to access it to sign in. Who knew? Stupid blog making me get email accounts I don't even want.

Obviously it's been a VERY long time since I've written last. It would take entirely too long to bring you up to speed. I'd totally written this off to be honest.

Then I receieved an email in my REAL email account for a comment to a post from here. I clicked on it, and reread what I had written in that post. I realized something......I am hysterical. Definitely one of the funniest people I know. And I know a lot of people. I'm working on alienating most them. I have a 6 month plan. So far it's right on schedule.

Some brief updating:

I probably have a totally different job than I last posted about. I've been at it for over a year now. I may have posted about it when I first got it, I don't feel like going back and checking. I'm still lazy. Whatever.

I have been dating the same person for about 10-11 months now. I know I've referred to here before, but I don't think we were officially dating yet. She is good. She is very good. She is also gorgeous. Very gorgeous. Which is nice.

I still live in the same house. It's still fun. One roommate moved out, another moved in. It was for the best. The one that moved out went to live with his girlfriend. She isn't that cool, but whatever.

That's enough updating for now. There is way too much to list.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night with one of my roommates. We are not nice people. However, we are very very funny. At least we think so. If someone was recording our comments, we would be asked to have our own show. It was like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (or whatever it's called, again, too lazy to research.) I could stop laughing. I am not nice. He is not nice. We are not nice. Just use your imagination, but I'll clue you in on this; just about every sentence ended with "fat shit." Pretty good stuff.

I'm not making any promises about more posts. I've done that many times and failed miserably. Maybe on occasion I'll post something that strikes me as funny. Maybe not. As I have said over and over again, I'm really not that good.

at work......again.

2008-01-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

yeah. you fell for it again, didn't you? you read that i would be updating on a more normal basis. yeah. i lied. gotcha!!! at the time i meant it. i didn't follow through. you can't be surprised. you shouldn't be surprised. if you are, i'm sorry for you. haven't you read enough of me to realize i'm just not that good? believe me, if you ever met you'd realize in about 30 seconds. good looking? yes. hysterical? also correct. ridiculously good looking? guilty as charged.

but good? eh.

so the main reason for the lack of posting is this..........

my job at the gym really allowed me to not only have an insane amount of free time, it also provided me with such endless opportunity to make fun of people. there was very little thought involved. i would see something that either cracked me up, or incensed (sp?) me, and then i would immediately write about it. it is no longer that easy. if i see something now, i have to attempt to remember it, then get on a computer and type it? that seems like a lot of work. that job was ideal for this. (this of course being an outlet for my insanity). the jobs i have had since, not so much.

i guess theoretically i could post at home. that doesn't appeal to me. when i'm home, i avoid the computer. first of all, i'm barely home at all anymore. i work about 6 days a week with my new job and it's an hour commute both ways. that being said, my days are long. very long. throw in the gym and time with whatever lady friend i'm talking too, and "this" gets thrown out the window. if i could just think the crazy thoughts that go on (yeah, they still go on. duh.) and have them magically apear on here, you would all be dazzled once again by the level of idiocy i reach. sadly, that probably won't be happening any time soon. blame technology, or a lack thereof.

or blame my jobs, not me.

or blame me. i sleep at night. often next to a fellacious female. HIGH FIVE!!!

one thing i did notice today that made me think of this site......

i was driving to work and noticed what appeared to be an attractive blond driving in front of me in the next lane over. i love blondes, and here hair was as blonde as blonde can be. we pull up at a light and i expectantly look over to see a hottie. and what do i see??

it wasn't good. at all.

i see a BEAST of a woman smoking a cigarrette like it's her last before execution. i almost threw up in my mouth. disgusting.

for some reason the thought popped into my head that i should relay that to the world.

there you go.

i told you, i'm not that good.

CT eats it

2007-10-23T01:59:00.000-04:00

i haven't posted in a few days. for once it's not my fault. i was in Stamford, CT for work. who the hell goes to Stamford, CT for work? this guy, that's who. for those of you that don't know, it's not that cool. several things i realized about that place:

1. everyone in CT drives likes poononers. bad. here in the dirty jerz we drive like the end is near. (and for most of the people out there, it should be). not in CT. they take their sweet ass time. come on people, i may be lost, but i need to get more lost in a hurry.

2. yeah i got lost. mapquest lied about where my hotel was. i was all kinds of NOT HAPPY. stupid mapquest. stupid holiday inn. it was right off the main street, but there were NO SIGNS for it. it could have been any other building. fucking jerks.

3. there was always traffic. again with the slow driving.

4. they had a target. i love target. i walked there to keep from killing someone in a fit of rage/boredom.

5. they had an LA Fitness there. i was able to work out. sweet. i look too good to stop working out.........yeah. i said it.

6. traveling for work sucks. it's cool for about 1 minute. then you realize much of the time will be spent in your hotel room. hooker optional. surprisingly i opted not too. something about not wanting it to burn when i pee.

7. the chick that i worked with had a nice rack. so that was a plus. the engagement ring on her finger was not.

8. i did get hit on by a VERY LARGE black woman that had on VERY LARGE fishnet stockings. i just got done working out and was in the elevator back to my room when she saw me and said something to the effect of:

her: mmm, mmm, mmm. you just get done lifting weights?
me: (honestly frightened) uh, yeah.
her: damn boy, you are all swolled (she said swolled) up and bulging in all the right places.
me: (oh sweet mercy get to my floor) thanks???
her: i hope i get to see you lata.
me: we'll see. (cue me sprinting off the elevator at my floor)

awesome.

9........i think 8 is all i have.

question

2007-10-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

i'm a relatively fast driver. i'm not a lunatic, but i'll usually be the pace car on a fast highway. here in dirty jerz we have many roads to fly on. the parkway and turnpike being the 2 most popular. u can basically get to anywhere in jerzey off those roads. just about every day i am on a major highway. whenever i am on the highway i am driving fast. usually upwards of 80, if traffic is faster, so am i. that being said, whenever someone flies by me on the road as if i'm standing still, i ALWAYS wish them to crash. it goes something like this:

me: (driving at a good speed)
asshole driver: (WHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH by me)
me: please crash, please crash, please crash.

i will say those words out loud to myself just about every time that happens. does that make me a bad person?

second day of work

2007-10-10T21:13:00.000-04:00

pretty much the same as the first, HOWEVER i did receive a phone call today from another interview i had been on last week. this opportunity is probably better than the job i took, so i am going on a second interview there tomorrow. let's hope it's all its cracked up to be.

first day of work

2007-10-09T17:59:00.000-04:00

some quick notes about my first day of work.

since the gym is still under construction, i am working in a trailer for now.

i'm the only male.

there were 6 females.

5 were black.

black chicks love me.

dig that.

you can't, you won't, and you don't stop.

2007-10-05T14:04:00.000-04:00

last night.

watched the yankees get throttled.

received a text message from a lovely woman requesting my company. visit this lovely woman and do lovely things. this was followed by the lovely woman making me a delicious omelet. that was followed by more lovely things.

other than the yankee game, a pretty good night.

yeah. i rock.

fucking IPOD commercial

2007-10-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

that damn "1234" by Feist has been in my head for weeks. stupid IPOD commercial. stupid catchy lyrics and melody. did i download it and all her other songs? yes i did. i am a glutton for punishment and faggy acoustic music. fuck off. it's my thing.

just got back from interview 1000 of the past few months. went well. similar to the one from yesterday. basically the same position, except this is a more established corporate gym. not as bad as my last employer, but similar. they pretty much offered me a position at that particular gym, but i have a second interview with a someone higher up to see if i can get a different management position at one of their sister gyms. i'm hoping so. better positions means more money. more money means a happier jerk. a happier jerk means.......not sure, but happier sounds good.

random movies i enjoy:

"lock, stock, and 2 smoking barrels." british accents are at times hard to understand, but an enjoyable movie. a non-"transporter" jason stathem is good.

"stranger than fiction." great, different concept for a movie. plus.....will ferrell. duh. that guy is the best. he is way better than me, and WAY better than you. don't kid yourself.

"eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." again, a very different movie. jim carey. duh. see the last few sentences from above.

why did i make this short list? b/c this is my fucking blog, so you are at my mercy. also, i just watched these recently and had very little else to write about. eat it.

i gotta testify. coming in the spot looking extra fly. till the day i day. i gotta testify.

2007-10-03T12:35:00.000-04:00

just got back from interview #1. not going to lie. i killed it. basically it was my bitch. first of all, i looked good. i mean really good. me in a suit is magic. i should get paid to just walk around in a suit all day. i don't really want to do anything in said suit, but i want to get paid for wearing one. i also don't want to buy said suit, b/c suits are expensive. i know what you are thinking, just become a model. no way. i'm of the opinion that all male models are gay. again, that's one man's opinion. so i say no to male modeling. also, i'm not that good looking. so it looks like getting paid to walk around in a suit just isn't in the cards.

anyway, the interview went really well. it's a position i am MORE than qualified for. i would run the fitness department for a gym. i would also do sales and manage a staff, blah, blah, blah. these are all things i can do with my eyes closed. i managed a 30 employee staff flawlessly. that is not entirely true. most of my employees i would have smashed with a shovel given the opportunity. i would also be able to do some personal training which is nice. maybe i train some young females right into my pants. yeah. i said it.

so. the woman i interviewed with has a few interviews left, but more or less hinted i'll get this position. jackpot. the true beauty of this situation is the fact i'll be able to build their fitness department from the ground up as the gym is still under construction. i won't have in inherit a shitty staff like i have in the past. i'll be able to hire my own shitty staff. sweet.

supposed to hear back on friday.

who you know better than HOV? riddle me that.

2007-10-03T00:32:00.000-04:00

back to back posts? what's up with that you ask? you haven't written ANYTHING is so long and then 2 in 2 days? are you really back?

first of all, mind your business. secondly, mind your business. thirdly, yeah, i'm really going to try. pathetically, i forgot how much i like ranting. i crack myself up too much not to. also, i owe my rage and rambling to those that love it. sickos.

it's officially 12:36 in the AM. once upon a time i had to be up for work in 4 hours. no longer. instead i need to be up at 8 to get ready for an interview. and guess what.....it's for another gym job. a new place is opening and they need a manager. ZING!!!! i just can't seem to get away. i have a phone interview for a different job later in the afternoon too. we'll see how they go. the bottom line is i need a jobby job.

internet access may be a deal breaker with the gym job. my last position didn't allow anyone access to the internet. fucking ridiculous. god i hated that place. ran by nazis. work is where i did 99% of my ranting for this site prior to that. let's keep our fingers crossed people.

what i was doing this time sunday night......horrible horrible things to a woman who's 3 kids were sleeping. does that make me a bad person? perhaps. OR does it make me an awesome person? definitely. you can't turn down action from a belly dancer/strip tease instructor. trust me, you just can't.

do i still rule? fuck yeah i do.

a new post (finally)

2007-10-02T18:08:00.000-04:00

i can say with complete certainty that no one has been on this site in a LONG time. why? b/c i haven't posted anything in forever. i have no good reason. the past few days i reread a lot of my old posts and realized the following:

1. i have SEVERE issues. mostly with anger.

2. these issues (to me) are hysterical.

3. i am the funniest person i know.

4. i actually miss working at that gym b/c it allowed me to manage this site, and gave me UNBELIEVABLE material to use.

5. i'd forgotten most of what i'd written.

6. i'd forgotten how much time i actually dedicated to writing this, and reading other people's blogs. i used to really enjoy it.

7. i repeat myself a lot in many of the posts.

8. i didn't realize how good i had it.

9. i complained about getting up early in about 99% of my posts (see 7).

10. again, i think i am hysterical. i think i was funnier back then.

i'm sure i've realized a lot more than that, but that's all the list you are getting for now.

as for an update on my life........lots of shit has changed. i haven't really worked a real job in months. i lifeguarded over the summer and since summer is over i've been looking for a job. the hunt has been poor at best. so many interviews, so many shitty jobs. i have several promising interviews in the next few days. not working is cool, not having money isn't. i'm hoping one of these opportunities works out so i'll have some money again. living like a pauper is AIDS. full blown AIDS.

other than the job situation, things aren't all bad. no serious women to speak of, but that's a conscious decision. the break up with the ex fucked my world up pretty bad. i don't remember if i posted about it, fairly certain i only mentioned it. i won't get into details now, but rest assured it wasn't good. i'm all good now, but it took A LOT longer to get over than i would've ever guessed. i've been on a ton of dates since then, but just not really wanting to get into a serious relationship. there is something to be said for fucking around a lot and staying single.

this post isn't that good. give me a break, it's been a while. i need to get back into shape. a new job will help.

again, i'll keep you posted.

again, i used to be a lot funnier. i suck now.

i suck at blogging

2007-09-05T01:29:00.001-04:00

i realize i suck. it's a fact. it's science really. i'm not that good. i don't think i was ever THAT good, but i suck more now. i freely admit it. i made promises. i didn't fulfill them. i'm a promise breaker. get used to it. i've done it before. you can't be that surprised. i'm not.

HOWEVER.........

i have a funny story for you. well, it wasn't all that funny for me, but you, as a reader, may in fact find it funny. (actually i did think this was funny.)

the scenerio:
several weeks ago several of us went to go see a local band play at the world famous "stone pony." yes, THE "stone pony" where bruce played and became famous. i've been there many times in college as it had drink specials. $1 shots and $.25 cent drafts. ugh. i know for a fact a story i have on here took place there. anyway, about this band. they are terrific. they literally rocked my face clean off my body. good times. soooooo near the end of the night one of my roommates sees some girl he kinda knew from college and gets her number. good for him. long story short, they talk, go out on a date, and are officially "talking." yahoo. ok, this is where it gets fun.

fast forward one or two weeks. we go see that same band play. again, they rocked my face clean off my body. good times. also, i meet this mystery girl and her friends. she seems cool enough. her friends are somewhat cute and into me (i looked good. i mean really good that night). to backtrack earlier in the evening i made a list of things to ask this new girl to get some background info on her. the questions were written on the back of a paper plate that was cut up and folded in my pocket. on the front of the paper plate was a running total of drinks had by myself and my friends. that was b/c we had a BIG softball game the next morning and didn't want anyone tooooo drunk. it didn't work. the questions ranged from: do you like my friend more than a friend? circle YES or NO, to simply....Bukakke? immature and crude are two of my favorite things. the series of questions are a nice icebreaker and get a laugh from all. so the night progresses and my roommate asks what i think of one of the girls. i say she is cute and i'll make out with her. i avoid her the rest of the night knowing that it's a sure thing and proceed to hang out with my friends. near the end of the night i approach this girl and say:

me: i hear you want to make out.
her: uh....i guess so. you are pretty forward.
me: just so you know, i'm selfish in bed.
her: (dumbfounded) really?
me: yeah, i'm 100% serious. bring a friend too. it'll be fun. (one of the other friends was pretty cute)
her: i don't think that's going to happen.
me: oh well, her loss. maybe she'll change her mind. (the other friend overheard that and gave me a look that could kill.)
her: (stunned silence)
me: i'm going to go hang out with my friends. i'll let you know when i'm leaving.

i then avoid her for the remainder of the time at the bar b/c i have nothing else to say to her. not trying to be a dick, but why continue talking to a sure thing?

as it ends up, i take that girl, my roommate, and his girl back to my house. i give the house tour then proceed to go upstairs to my room and have the worse sex anyone has ever had. this girl was terrible. absolutely terrible. i actually stopped it, and went to bed. the less said about this the better. ugh.

the next morning i wake up to my roommate poking my arm with his finger. i say "hey buddy, what's up?" he simply points to my bed. lying in my bed are myself, the horrible lay, and HIS girl. also, i'm the only one with pants on. well, not really pants persay, but mesh shorts. the horrible lay, and HIS girl have no pants on. at all. i sneak out of bed and go into his room with him. he asks me what the fuck happened that HIS girl is in MY bed. i reply with, "no fucking clue." i had no idea what happened. it turns out he had woken up about 10 minutes ealier and roamed the house looking for her. the one room he pretty much banked she WOULDN'T be in was mine. yet, sure as shit, there she was. we wake the girls up and ask what happened. they have no clue. i really don't give a shit. all i know is i give them 10 minutes to get ready b/c my ass is leaving to go to a softball game. (sidenote: strange girls don't like to be woken up with a really hard ass slap. they like it even less when you demand they be out of your bed in 10 minutes.)

i drive the girls back to their shore house which is one town away from the softball fields. i say nothing to the horrible lay and barely stop the car to let them out. fucking awful. how can someone be that bad in bed? i do speak in generalities about the fact the other girl woke up in bed. in fact, i'm relentless. i won't drop it the entire half hour ride.

the kicker:
after the games we come home. i shower and go to my laundry basket. my laundry basket is filled with CLEAN laundry. we don't have a washer and dryer so i pay a laundymat (sp?) to do it for me. they wash and fold which is nice. i had just done my laundry a day or two earlier and hadn't put it away yet. so i reach in to get some boxer briefs and realize EVERYTHING IS SOAKED. immediately i think the horrible lay poured water into it after i slapped her ass and demand her wake up and get ready. i laugh and give her some credit. i go into a drawer and get a pair of boxers instead. i'll let the water dry and no harm no foul. i even say to my roommates that the worst lay ever got the final laugh and think nothing more of it. later that evening i reach into the laundry basket again to get something out and find the clothing is still wet. upon closer inspection, it smells too. and not like water. at all. seems to me it smells more like piss. i then realize i'm holding this shirt in both my hands and putting my face to it to smell it. horrified i run downstairs and have my roommate smell it. he agrees that it is definitely piss. yeah, HIS girl PISSED ALL OVER MY CLEAN LAUNDRY. since she didn't remember why she was in my room with no pants on i came to the following conclusion. in her druken stupor the night before, she went into my room which is directly across from his, popped a squat over my laundry basket, and proceeded to let loose all the beer and shots she drank in her entire life. then to top it off, she climbs into my bed and doesn't even have the courtesy to give me a hand job. the nerve.

since then they have officially become "girlfriend and boyfriend." she hasn't been over the house again yet. i can't wait. oh sweet mercy i can't wait.

update

2007-06-30T00:20:00.000-04:00

yes it has been a VERY long time since i have posted. apparently around 6 months. that is so strange since i used to post every single day. that's what happens when you have a job you hate and time to kill. the people that know me complained about my lack of posting. i had no idea any one gave 2 shits about this. i was told by an anonymous friend this was passed around a university office at least twice a week. i was pressured to update. here it goes.

in the past 6 months the following has happened. i got a pretty good job. i eventually hated that job. too many hours, too long a commute, and not enough money for all the work i was doing. i left that job. i got a job in NYC doing advertising sales. that job sucked even more. a MUCH longer commute and me being miserable is an even worse combination. i got another job. i helped to set up and staff a gym that was brand new and hadn't opened yet. they fired me 3 days after opening the doors. i set up the gym, they repaid me by firing me....sounds fair right. i love being used. fucking assholes. that brings me to now. i have a final interview for a great job on tuesday and graduate school in the works. something will happen. i'm not sure what, but something will.

the woman and i broke up. it was not good. not even a little. about a week prior to this break up we had signed a lease to an apartment. clearly that fell through. that was about 4 months ago. currently i am attempting so sleep with a record number of women while avoiding both VD and unwanted pregnancy. so far so good.

all of that means I AM BACK. the old me is back and in full effect. much of the scumbagness that left me during adult job/girlfriend time has returned. needless to say i am pleased. i am probably enjoying my newly found freedom more than i should. i really don't care.

i am planning on updating this a few times a week so stay tuned. then again, i've said that before and it was a hollow promise. you'll just have to wait and see.

MOM!!!!! MEATLOAF!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-07T20:32:00.000-05:00

i ain't dead yet bitches.

it was close for a while. real close. the only thing worse than hating your job, is getting fired from that job for a SHITTY reason. and since that reason is shitty (and a lie), you are unable to collect unemployment without a long, cumbersome appeal process. fucking weak. fucking jerk off ex boss.

but it's all good in the hood. after many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many interviews and job offers, and declined offers, and call backs, and second interviews, and third interviews, it all worked out.

i got me a job. been there about a month and a half and it's been a mother fucking whirlwind. i had 3 INTENSE interviews for the position and met with all kinds of big up people. and low and behold i fooled those suckers...........b/c I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING BOSS!!!! what. what. bitches ask me if they can go on lunch break. and i say no. not for any good reason, just b/c i can. haha. it worked out to be a big raise from what i was making and it's a no joke REAL job. (i'm not going to get into too much specific detail about it yet. sorry)

the upside is obviously the money. the down side is i am now working a longer day. and this is a shit load more stressed than the gym, but it's all good for now. i am finally somewhat getting caught up on my bills which SUCKS b/c not working and getting paid for 7-8 weeks is a LONG TIME. but with the help of friends and family i got through.

the woman and i are stronger than ever even though we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like. she works retail and this is a shitty time of year for her. but we still get our few nights together and she was awesome through the whole "i hate myself. i'm such a loser. i'm never going to get a fucking job. kill me. kill me. kill me" time.

not good times. bad times.

but it's better now.

glad to see people are still checking the site out.

GET LIVEs YOU FUCKING GEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha. just kidding. missed you too.Publish

it's a natural fact.....that the white boy's back.

2006-12-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

i'm not dead yet. busy as fuck with work. but not dead yet. there will be explanations. not tonight, but soon.

yo

2006-10-15T18:30:00.000-04:00

quick update. still no job. lots of interviews. lots of second interviews. lots of jobs i DO NOT want but might need to take. kinda want to blow my brains out.

that's all for now.

and you thought I was a jerk?

2006-09-13T19:14:00.000-04:00

yes i have been away for a while. long story. here it goes.

went into NYC to take a test for the border patrol last wednesday. it was a LOOOOOONNNGGG day. up at 4:30 to take a train in. took at 5:40 train in that got into penn station around 7:15. a half hour walk to the building by the village to take the test. i take the test and score very well, a 95. now this is where it sucks.

this testing site was considered a "compressed site", meaning several steps were going to be taken care of all in one day. take the test, if you pass you then have a border patrol agent give you an orientation and a big packet of info. you also schedule an oral board review. (an inverview). the agent get lost and never shows up, but we don't find that out until HOURS after we are done taking the test. we had been waiting around with no word of what was happening for 2 1/2 hours. in classroom, listening to ex army assholes tell war stories. miserable. i was losing my mind. eventually we get our scores and they tell us we can leave. thank god i passed, b/c if i had failed and sat around that whole time for nothing i would have killed myself. i'm not even going to get into the test itself, but rest assured it sucked. i had to learn a "made up" language in order to take the test b/c i don't speak spanish. the reason being, they want to know if you'll be able to learn spanish b/c it is neccessary. so prior to taking the test i was studying 4-6 hours a day to get the fake language rules down pat. ugh.

walk half hour back to penn station and take train home. get off the train, drive to the woman's house. luckily she made me taco's b/c i had STILL yet to eat. at this point it's around 6:45pm. we then drive another 35 minutes to a car dealership b/c i am good friends with the finance manager. after 2 hours the woman walks out with a new (used) truck. an explorer. now we both have explorers. how cute (gay). (her's is nicer than mine). damn you. finally get home, shower, get to bed. it's around 11-12. that was wednesday. all in all a very good, very busy day.

thursday. wake up at 5:30am. the gym was supposed to be open at 5. oh shit. i call the owner and tell him i am sick and can't come in. he is not happy. he calls me later that day telling me to take off friday as well b/c the morning members were pissed and wanted to give them the weekend to cool off. see you monday. i go to work monday morning after 45 minutes of sleep b/c i went to the giants/colts sunday night game. when i pull into the parking lot i notice the owners car is there and the gym is already opened. i walk in and he tells me i am fired.

i was fired monday morning.

he didn't call me to tell me, he waited for me to show up to work (as i was told) and then informed me i no longer work there.

i don't have a job.

for the last 2 days i have been scrambling trying to get a job. i've applied to all kinds of things online. i've forward my resume to anyone and everyone. i can't not have a job. i have LOTS OF BILLS. this is not good.

that is why i haven't posted.

i will keep you posted as to what happens next.

things are not well in jerkville. not well at all.

can i get an encore? do you want more?

2006-09-01T06:49:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches. thank the lord above.

fucking work. my boss has been in the past few mornings so that has seriously limited my time in blogland. i have to actually pretend like i'm working when he's here. so weak. he is not here today, hence the new post.

the job search is going. there isn't much else to say about it. the career i want is in law enforecement and by nature it is a LONG process to get hired. there are numerous stages involved, you don't just become a cop one day. written exams, physical exams, interviews, extensive background checks, etc. it sucks. and all that is prior to going into an academy which usually last for 4-6 months. i started the process about a year ago and nothing too too major has come up. (other than the NYPD and that would be taking a pay cut). the plan was to stay here until something popped. since nothing has really popped and i'm drowning financially, i am looking at everything and anything in the meantime to pay bills. the long term goal is still law enforcement. unless of course i find something in the meantime that pays well that i really enjoy. i was offered a job stripping (seriously), but that's not in the cards. i would have to grow a thin moustache and pony tail, and i'm just not prepared to do that. yet.

as for an actual update, i applied to the border patrol and i am taking their written exam on wednesday in NYC. i am more than willing to relocate so that's not a problem. luckily the woman is willing to move to where ever i need to go. she's the best. when i asked if she would be willing to move she said, "where and when?" that was it. she is a god sent. thanks to a link from meghan (see yesterday's comments) i applied to another position as well. i am still waiting for the results of NJ's big law enforcement exam. the results were supposed to be mailed out in august. today is september first. i still haven't gotten them. no one else has either so i'm too concerned. still sucks though. i feel i did well, i just want my fucking score back already. if i did well i won't have to worry about going out of state. we'll see what happens. i have faith that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

i have been real low key at work lately. this is the slowest time of the year for some reason. people don't work out as much at the end of the summer. i think my lack of interest here isn't helping as well. however i did get into a FANTASTIC arguement with a woman two days ago. she had joined for 3 months and her term was up. she now wanted to join for a year. according to her i said she could apply the money paid for her 3 month membership towards her year. no dice. each contract is seperate, it just doesn't work like that. she swore up and down that i told her that. i know for a fact i didn't, and i was not about to back down. she got loud. i got louder. she accused me of lying, i said, "yeah. one of us is, and i know it isn't me." bitch. she ended up joining anyway. ha ha. at least it will be awkward everytime she comes in. i can't wait.

back by popular demand.

2006-08-30T14:06:00.000-04:00

here i am. did you guys miss me? i bet you did.

no worries. here i am.

the internet was down at work for a while. that eats my ass so bad. i've been doing a good amount of reading, but still....nothing replaces the internet for wasting time at work. it's up and running for the time being, so i should be posting again asap. this post is from my mom's house b/c i wanted to see my dogs. they are the best. they are far better than your dogs. i'd post a link to their pics, but i am lazy.

why don't i just post from home you ask? b/c if i am at home using the computer i am looking at porn. that's just the way it is. (i'm kidding. sometimes i do fantasy baseball and football). no, i've been working on getting a real job so i don't want to post b/c then i will totally get sidetracked. can't have that. i do have some good things to post including pics of me and the woman so stay tuned.

internet? what's that?

2006-08-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

you know what's worse than 1 day of work with no internet access? 2 days. especially since i was going to spend a bulk of today posting resumes. now i have to waste precious home time doing it. so weak.

no internet is no good.

2006-08-23T18:27:00.000-04:00

no internet access at work today equals no posting until later in the day. (if at all). that sucks b/c internet time kills my first 3 hours at work. being that's more or less a third of my day i was bored as hell today. luckily i had a book with me that is excellent, but still. not being able to rant and rave for the relative enjoyment of others is no fun. something was wrong with the modem. stupid modem ruining my day.

put the resume together today. tomorrow will consist of LOTS of emailing all over the country. if neccessary i will leave the garden state to get the job i want. the woman will be coming with me regardless, so that is a BIG worry off my back. could be exciting times in jerkville.

good sneakers.

2006-08-22T07:20:00.000-04:00

a woman called me here on friday inquiring about our yoga class. considering i have never taken a yoga class since i am not a raging queen i did my best to answer her questions. more or less this is the conversation:

her: do you have yoga today?
me: yes we do, it's at 10:30.
her: i'm not a member can i still take the class?
me: yes, you just have to buy a daily pass. they are $15 (anyone willing to pay $15 for a daily pass to a gym is an idiot).
her: should i wear good sneakers?
me: what?
her: should i wear good sneakers?
me: uh, that is up to you. some of the women just wear socks to help relax a little more.
her: so i don't have to wear good sneakers?
me: (what the fuck. good sneakers?) you can wear whatever you want.
her: what time is the class at?
me: 10:30.
her: and i don't have to wear sneakers?
me: wear whatever you want.

fast forward 2 hours. THAT woman comes in to buy her daily pass.

her: i want to take the yoga class.
me: that will be $15.
her: (with tremendous attitude) I KNOW.
me: (whoa) ok, relax. enjoy your workout.

we then have the SAME EXACT SNEAKER CONVERSATION from above. i wish i was making this up. i'm not.

i hate these people.

short

2006-08-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

no new posts today. i've been using the computer for something productive for once.

searching for a A NEW FUCKING JOB!!!!!!

yes. cuban B.

2006-08-18T07:02:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches!!!

it doesn't feel like friday. i don't have that excited feeling in my pants that i usually have on fridays. the woman is coming in today to take a belly dancing class. that will fix the pants situation.

i thought of some more things i hate:

1. people that back into parking spots for no good reason. what the fuck is that? are you trying to show off? i'm not impressed.

2. people that talk on their cell phones in public. especially in restaurants. assholes. there is no such thing as common courtesy. your conversation can wait.

3. the fucks that have nextel and use the walkie talkie all the time. just open the fucking phone and put it to your ear like a normal person. i don't need to hear that faggot ass beep or your fucking conversation. i need to know that you have to get milk later today? fuck you.

4. hairy people with little clothing. shave your back man. or wear a full t-shirt. this tank top shit isn't going to fly. unless you want me to vomit my disgust all over you. b/c that can be done.

5. snakes on a plane. (it's a repeat, but still).

6. the fact coffee doesn't work on me anymore. so weak.

i could do a list like this everyday. i have lots of hate. lots.

no plans so far for the weekend. the woman has to work tommorow which means i will do a lot of nothing. most likely that will include much tv and napping.

you're like water to my soul when i'm so thirsty

2006-08-16T06:54:00.000-04:00

so i got tagged by Jazz which is good b/c i had nothing to write about today. luckily the topic is about things i hate so i can go on about that forever. if in doubt this is usually my topic of choice anyway.

20 things that irk me. (everything gets on my nerves. fucking everything).

1. there are people that come in here everyday but don't look any better. in fact, some look a lot worse.

2. my boss and i have talked on numerous occasions about my raise, yet he still has to "work some numbers" before i get a definite number. it's to the point where i am actively seeking new employment.

3. my roommates are slobs.

4. i have to see my ex's brother almost everyday at the gym. he's the nicest kid in the world and is still upset 9 months later that things didn't work out.

5. a guy just walked in wearing spandex pants and an almost spandex shirt. also, he's in his 40's. what the fuck?

6. bandanas. they really fucking bother me. not on a chick though. it's ok for them to wear them.

7. the price of gas. fuck off OPEC.

8. paying bills. fuck off landlady. let me live for free.

9. waking up at 4:30 everyday. fuck off alarm clock.

10. leaving the woman in bed to go to work.

11. it's only 7:12. i still have many hours of work left.

12. bad tattoos. these things are permanent.

13. teen angst: emo kids. fuck you. your life is so hard growing up in a 4 bedroom house while you dart around in your gay ass scion. all of which your parents have paid for. yet you have the audacity to bitch and moan and give them attitude. ungrateful little shits.

14. the fact the kids from #13 wear tight jeans. (i know i am repeating this from the other day, but it REALLY bothers me.)

15. the amount of bad movies out. ie: "snakes on a plane," "little man," "zoom." are you kidding me? who lets the wayans brothers and tim allen even make movies any more? this will be an entire post soon. i can go on about this.

16. eagle fans. you have to be from around here to understand this.

17. bad TV. i watched about 8 seconds of "the war at home" and almost shot the tv.

18. affirmative action. don't get me started.

19. speed limits. let me drive at my own pace.

20. every asshole that comes into this fucking place.

automatic for the people.

2006-08-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

when i am at work certain responses are almost automatic. they are words i utter under my breath when things happen. for example:

when i see someone come in the front doors i will say, "mother fucker."

when the phone rings i will say, "fucking cocksucker."

obviously both of these things happen all day long. my feelings about that are always the same. the only thing that may change are the words that come out. rest assured, they aren't good.

i don't like these people. at all.

do i ever leave this place?

2006-08-14T07:55:00.000-04:00

i hate monday so much. so very much.

what i realized friday night: i am never going to a concert again. check that. i am never going to a concert that only teenie bopper little shits will be at. i am too old for that. way too old. i am not emo enough. i hate emo. i hate kids in tight jeans. especially when it's 90 degrees out. i was sweating my ass off in a basketball jersey and cargos, these queens are running around in tight ass jeans. why? it just doesn't make sense. i hate punk kids. i hate crowds. this place was a crowd of punk kids. kids puking by my truck, young drunk girls crying, kids passing out on their feet. NO GOOD. i am too old for that shit. a girl called me sir. sir. i like to think i demand that kind of respect, but no. i'm just old. fucking retards with their shaggy ass hair trying to bum beers off my friends. little fuckers. whenever that happened my roommate would tell them to cut their hair. and i laughed every time. so, the band was great. the concert experiece was far from it. at least it's the last time.

weekend other than that was good. got along great with the woman's sister and brother in law. the neices loved me. they asked if i could be their uncle. very very funny. spent all day saturday and most of sunday with them. they all wanted to sit next to me at dinner. i am loved, what can i say.

what i can do without. sunburn. me and the woman went to the beach yesterday. i layed with my hat covering my face, or so i thought. nope. face is burned, but not universally. mostly the right side. awesome. the only thing better than a sunburned face is half a sunburned face.

also could do without mondays.

50 questions

2006-08-11T07:25:00.000-04:00

i stole this from Mr. Manuel's site. this let's me post something without having to be original, and i'm ALL ABOUT THAT.

1. My roommate and I once:
got blind drunk at a party and on the walk home hopped the fence to a local swim club and did flips off the high dive for like a half hour.
2. Never in my life have I:
enjoyed olives.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is:
one of my roommates. the same idiot from #1.
4. High school was:
an awkward drunken orgy of sports and occasional cheerleaders.
5. When I'm nervous:
i get real uncomfortable.
6. The last time I cried was:
it's been a long time since i really really cried. when my ex and i broke up.
7. If I were to get married right now, my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be:
a handful or morons.
8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone e-mail your deepest secret to all your friends?:
naked running. no doubt. i got nothing to hide.
9. My hair:
is real short, but getting grayer than i'd like.
10. When I was 5:
i had lots of freckles.
11. Last Christmas:
i was spoiled by my ex.
12. When I turn my head left:
i see a bunch of assholes on treadmills and eliptical machines.
13. I should be:
sleeping.
14. When I look down I see:
a sweet pair of nike shoxs.
15. The craziest recent event was:
fourth of july party. just ridiculous.
16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be:
chandler. but with more self esteem and less whining.
17. By this time next year:
i hope to have a gun, a badge, and A LOT more money.
18. My favorite aunt is:
pat and kathy. i can't choose.
19. I have a hard time understanding:
how many idiot douchebag cops there are, yet i can't even get an interview. i also can't understand spanish.
20. One time at a family gathering:
i got entirely too wasted and had to be brought home early. not good times.
21. You know I like you if:
I talk to you.
22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank:
my parents. they have given me everything they could.
23. Take my advice:
avoid the clap.
24. My ideal breakfast is:
pork roll, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel. sweet mercy.
25. If you visit my home town:
you'll be disappointed
26. Sometime soon I plan to visit:
anywhere in the caribbean.
27. If you spend the night at my house:
don't sleep on the futon. trust me.
28. I'd stop my wedding if:
i found out about any lying or infidelity
29. The world could do without:
mean old people.
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
wake up for work.
31. The most recent thing I've bought myself is:
sweet pair of camo shorts. i'm wearing them now and i look good. i mean really good.
32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is:
dinner.
33. My favorite blonde is:
(not including girlfriend) jessica simpson.
34. My favorite brunette is:
carmen electra
35. My car must have a sign on it that reads:
please cut me off and drive very slow.
36. The last time I was drunk:
was almost 4 years ago.
37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds:
monkeys.
38. I shouldn't have been:
such a horrible student.
39. Last night I:
had dinner with a friend. sat on the bay with my girl in my lap b/c it was really nice out.
40. There's this girl I know who:
lets me hold onto her rack when we sleep.
41: I don't know:
why weekend bike riders wear so much loud spandex.
42. A better name for me would be:
big dick mcgee.
43. If I ever go back to school I'll:
take is seriously and finally graduate.
44. How many days until my birthday?:
7 months away.
45. One dead celebrity I wish I'd met is:
none.
46. I've lived at my current address since:
may 13th
47. I've been told I look like:
the dude from prison break. brian austin green (yeah, he's david on 90210). i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
48. If I could have any car, it would be:
the original military grade humvee.
49. If I got a new dog tomorrow, I would name it:
butch
50. I believe in:
god

who's up for round 2, oooh what to do, my wallets gettin thin and i just lost my watch last night.

2006-08-11T06:44:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches??

is this thing on?? i said it's friday BITCHES!!!!

friday is the best. monday is NOT. god i hate that monday, BUT i love that friday. if friday was a hot chick i would totally bang it (in the butt b/c that's not cheating).

now that's funny.

what a woman asked me earlier:
her: did i leave my keys here yesterday?
me: ???

so many things i wanted to say to that. they included:
1. how the fuck do i know what YOUR keys look like? am i the all knowing key god? b/c if i am, why wasn't i told this. and can i make some money off this newly found information.
2. again, how the fuck would i know what your keys look like? what the fuck? really. what the fuck?

that's really all i wanted to say, but you get the idea. what is wrong with people?

going to see O.A.R. tonight. they fucking rock it. this is the 4th time i'm going to see them. i saw them at MSG in january and it was one of the best shows i've ever been to. i saw them last year at this same venue and the 2 idiots i went with got real drunk and annoyed the SHIT out of me. i had to keep them out of a fight, they were bumping into people, hitting on YOUNG girls, etc. basically all the same shit i used to do, but since i don't drink anymore, don't do. i can appreciate it and laugh at it, but only to an extent. 4 hours of that shit gets old. they were fine at the MSG show and i already warned them if they act the same way, i'm leaving their asses there. should be good times.

other than that i don't think i have any big plans this weekend. the woman's nieces are up from south carolina so she is excited for that. i haven't met them, or her sister and brother in law yet so that should be something. i'll just keep quiet and try to look like i'm having fun. other than my niece and nephew i'm not great with kids. i think her nieces are 11, 9, and 3. i might have totally made that up. i don't know. i do know i'm going to have to spend a significant amount of time with all of them. supposedly the brother in law is a douchebag so i'll have to be on my best behavior. i have problems with that.

is it true that if you don't use it you lose it?

2006-08-10T06:56:00.000-04:00

don't talk to me in the bathroom. just fucking don't. it's awkward for everyone involved. just let me be. even better, don't talk to me at all.

when you ask me if i watched the yankee game and i say no, that doesn's mean i want a play by play. sportscenter is on, i'll watch that.

if i didn't want my coffee so bad i would throw it in someone's face. it's actually kinda cold now. so let me heat it up, then i'll throw it in someone's face. b/c in my mind throwing a hot drink in someone's face is one of the funniest things you can do.

the tired levels are at a high today. i was in bed relatively early, don't know what the problem was. oh wait i do. i was up for work at 4 fucking 30. fuck me. and that's later than i usually get to wake up b/c i was at the woman's house and she lives closer to the gym. i complain about waking up early all the time you say? yes i do motherfucker. it's my fucking blog, i'll complain all i want. why don't you get another job and stop bitching and moaning you say? b/c the job i'm trying to get takes a very long time to get. this is holding me over in the meantime. and it's easy. dick.

guy just walked in wearing spandex pants. yeah. spandex pants. the guy walking in behind him had on a spandex shirt. yeah. a spandex shirt. there should be rules about this.

a (heavy)woman (wearing a belly shirt) just walked in and for no reason and with no prompting told me, "i need to switch to my fall schedule." huh? it's august. and i don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean. what is wrong with these people?

if i had hot coffee i would have thrown it in her face.

y'all gonna make me lose my mind. up in here. up in here.

2006-08-09T06:15:00.000-04:00

i really thought i posted something yesterday morning. either blogger ate it, or i officially lost my mind. both are very possible, and to lose my mind wouldn't be a very far trip.

wednesday is no friday. it is still far better than monday.

is it wrong that i've only been up for 2 hours and all i'm looking forward to is going back to bed tonight? i can never sleep enough. ever.

there are probably 20-25 people here right now. all of them are ugly, with no exceptions. several of them would best be described as very ugly.

some moron just dropped his towel into the track on the treadmill. i hate these people.

watched "v for vendetta" last night. hmm, where to begin. i am a big fan of the action/drama genre of film. i probably would have liked this better in the theatre as my roommates and i made fun of a lot of it. that's not to say it was a bad movie, but my roommates and i are idiots and can laugh at anything. several things i did not like: the white mask the guy wore the whole time was creepy. as most white masks are. they never show the dudes face. without getting too much into the plot natalie portman's character is way too forgiving of this "v" character. is this motherfucker did anything close to this to me, there would be bloodshed. it's worth seeing though.

i don't think coffee even works for me anymore.

the same two fat girls come in here everyday at the same time and just annoy me. i don't think there is any good reason they do, but they do. they aren't overly friendly, and i'm of the opinion fat girls should be overly friendly.

this place is getting uglier and uglier with each new person.

my weekend.

2006-08-07T06:54:00.000-04:00

mondays are not that cool. in fact, they suck. bigtime. YET, i am ok today. i had a great weekend with the woman. i hate to be a dick, but it was so good i can't share it with you. it would be cheating. sorry.

i can say this. go the place i linked too on friday. it was awesome. it was clean. it was new. the waterpark was fun as hell. the people were friendly. the food was great. the room was clean and really nice. just go.

when you go, go horseback riding too. even though you might not really want to, it will be worth it b/c it makes your girlfriend really happy, and you get to see her smile like she did when she was a little girl. you'll realize there is more to life than your own selfishness. you'll feel better and you know what, you WILL have more fun than you thought you would.

go to paws n' claws too. for the same reason as above. it might not be something you would have picked out, but it's more than worth it to see how happy your girlfriend will be. you'll see a sweetness in her face when she looks at the animals that isn't guarded. and you'll love her all over again. you will also be a little kid for a couple hours and just not care at all.

just go.

(you'll also post the gayest post ever and not give a fuck).

YOUR FACE!!!

2006-08-04T07:17:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches!!! and not a moment too soon. this week sucked my ass. too much work. too much heat. fuck.

(just like everyday) i have very little of any value to say today. i am exhausted and cranky. i've already had 5 people ask me what's wrong. YOUR FACE. that's what's wrong.

i just want to get the hell outta here and go home. that is a minimum of 6 hours away. and that's if i DON'T stay and work out, and after taking 2 weeks off b/c of my knee, that's not an option.

this weekend should be good. going here with the woman from saturday night to sunday. looks like fun. i'd be a lot more enthused if i had any life to me today. fuck.

what i miss most about not living home.

2006-08-03T07:20:00.000-04:00

i went to my mom's house yesterday and was ATTACKED by these mongrols. is there anything better than that?

it started with this one, and that one. pullin out gats for fun.

2006-08-03T06:36:00.000-04:00

this is officially post #300. not that that means anything or is significant in any way. i'm just making conversation.

saw "lady in the water" last night. eh. i think this m. night shyamalan guy is falling off a little. i don't like to criticize movies or books all that much b/c i have never produced anything of any value and have the utmost respect for people who have. i believe you shouldn't bash someone else's work until you have done something significant yourself. "the sixth sense" is an amazing movie and he DID make that. albeit years ago, but still. i wouldn't have picked this out myself, but the woman wanted to see it. i usually pick out just about everything we do and see so i'll let this one slide. it just wasn't my scene.

you know what else isn't my scene? anything work related.

i left work a little early yesterday b/c i was fucking exhausted after working 1 million hours on monday and tuesday, and all i wanted to do was go home and sleep. so i walk out to my truck just wanting to floor it and go home, and what do i see? a fucking flat. pig fucker. thankfully there is a garage a couple hundred yards from here. a fucking screw in my tire. awesome. at least they were able to plug the hole and patch it up. new tires are expensive. and i have no money. so weak.

you. you are no gentleman.

2006-08-02T07:17:00.000-04:00

wednesday, you are NO friday.

hours worked monday: 10. then an hour of working out.

hours worked yesterday: 14. plus an hour of working out.

that puts me at 26 hours here over the past two days. that also puts me at hating the gym. yesterday i worked my usual 5-1 then came back at night from 6:30 to 11. a coworker need a favor so i came in and let him leave early. i then proceeded to go to the woman's to sleep b/c she lives closer to here than i do. i got about 4 hours of sleep then returned here at 5 again. i am growing sick of the gym this week. at least the paycheck will be good. well not good b/c i might as well be paid in water and peanuts, but better than usual.

at least when i went to the woman's she had food waiting for me. it's the little things ladies.

also, have a nice rack. that can't hurt either.

it's supposed to be over 100 degrees again today. that's just unnecessary. i hate the extreme heat with a passion. irish people weren't made for heat. i almost burst into flames yesterday afternoon. no one needs that.

you know what else no one needs? a fat guy in a tank top. YET there is one here. good. great. GRAND.

it's a lot of fun seeing an ex's mom here everyday. it's not awkward. at all. it's also not awkward seeing her younger sister every sunday b/c your friend dates her.

our air conditioner isn't really winning the battle with the heat. it needs to step it up.

i'm running purely on caffiene right now. i'm going to crash. soon. it's gonna be terrific.

i hate you clock.

2006-08-01T07:34:00.000-04:00

sometimes you look at the clock and it only says 7:30am, and you were expecting a far far different number. and this is a very bad thing.

and then when you are in the middle of typing someone comes over to you unprovoked and won't stop talking to you. even though your eyes haven't left the computer screen and you keep typing away. YET they continue to go on and on about the fact they might go look at a new truck today. they aren't sure, possibly a dodge 1500. they get a AAA discount, but he doesn't want to pay more than $26,000. he doesn't want all the bell and whistles, but...........

just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

i tried doing good, but good's not too good for me. midsunderstood. why'd you choose the hood for me?

2006-08-01T05:47:00.000-04:00

it is warm in here. very warm. the air conditioner doesn't stay on at night. it was roughly 1 million degrees last night. roughly. it is supposed to be roughly 2 million degrees today. roughly. makes me VERY glad i no longer do construction. sweet mercy that sucked. i did find that chicks love blue collar guys though. they also love underpaid gym managers. go figure.

there is not ONE person in here right now that i would consider even decent looking. sometimes i think i am in an ugly vortex. then again, who the fuck in their right mind is working out at 6:23 am? idiots. that's who.

i worked out yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks. what a welcome that was. i am embracing today's soreness with open arms. the knee held up pretty well, but i went easy on it. i still may have gone too hard, but that's just how i roll. i did lose some strength, but that's to be expected. i'll make up for that in a month.

hell's kitchen is one of the highlights of my week. it was on last night and that guy just tears those fucking idiots apart. i won't go into too much detail for those of you that don't watch it, but he calls people, "fucking donkeys" and "fat cows." and really, what's not to like about that. it doesn't help that it looks like these people have only worked in a grammer school cafeteria. poorly at that. do yourself a favor, and watch it. it's quality programming.

you fucking donkeys. (oh yeah, i could get used to that).

tagged again

2006-07-31T07:22:00.000-04:00

i was tagged again by holly. at least this gives me something to write about.

four jobs i have had in my life:
1. stock boy at a hardware store. first job ever. hated it. carried heavy shit around for minimum wage. miserable. quit after 2 months.
2. lifeguard. best job ever. worked as one every summer from 17-23. my crew had all been friends since we were kids. got paid to hang out and stare at hot moms. also worked as one in college at an indoor pool. basically got paid to read. can't beat that.
3. provider service rep for health insurance company. my first "real" job. miserable. hated it. 2 years of my life down the drain. money was pretty good though.
4. gym manager. current job. eh. not very challenging. not very stressful. enjoyable atmosphere. get paid to flirt with women. needs to pay more.

four movies i would watch over and over:
1. dumb and dumber. i've probably seen this over 100 times. i'll probably see it 100 more.
2. anchorman. see above.
3. shawshank redemption. love this movie. one of the best endings ever.
4. clerks. see above.

four places i have lived:
1. new jersey.
2. new jersey.
3. new jersey.
4. new jersey.
as you can see i am not fun in this regard. i have always lived in the garden state. even went to college here. sometimes i regret that.

four TV shows i love to watch:
1. anything real world. true story!!!
2. hell's kitchen. that chef dude is shot out.
3. the office. brilliant.
4. my name is earl. hey crab man.

four places i have been on vacation:
1. san diego. stay classy.
2. las vegas. good times. or so i was told. hazy memories.
3. cancun. good times. or so i was told. hazy memories.
4. bahamas. good times. i mostly remember them.

four websites i visit daily:
1. everyone on my blog roll.
2. yahoo fantasy baseball. yeah. i'm a geek.
3. myspace. i hate to admit it.
4. hotmail.

four of my favorite foods:
1. anything having to do with buffalo chicken.
2. lobster anything.
3. steak anything.
4. roasted clams.

four places i would rather be:
1. on a beach anywhere tropical.
2. laying in bed with my girl.
3. cruise ship to anywhere.
4. on a basketball court with my friends.

updates. updates all around.

2006-07-31T06:51:00.000-04:00

went to the knee Dr. on friday afternoon with my MRI results. NO SURGERY!! fucking jackpot. that means i don't have to waste away for the next 6-8 months. such good news. the ACL wasn't torn, it was severely sprained and stretched out. the knee still hurts like a fuck, but it's finally getting better. getting old sucks. i just need to take it easy and start doing some rehab stuff. just about all of which i can do here at the gym.

went and saw my boss' baby on saturday night with the woman. 10 fingers and 10 toes. baby and mommy are safe and sound. the woman picked up a bunch of cute outfits for them after work on saturday. she is the best. my boss loved them all. they had ducks on them. what's not to love? got her talking all kinds of wanting a baby talk. shopping for babies will do that. on the way out of the hospital my boss told us to get married and have a baby. i said, "i want to go practice making one in about an hour." no luck. went to a fair instead.

the fair: what a bunch of hicks. holy shit. john deere tractors as far as the eye could see. no. really. it's a good old fashioned county fair complete with 4H animals, a greased pig contest, and lumberjack competitions. good times. it also comes with carnies. (circus folk. small hands. smell like cabbage). if nothing else the food was really good. they had boston creme funnel cakes too. we bought one and when we sat down to eat it, i looked at my shorts and ALL of the chocolate had somehow found it's way onto my shorts. terrific. the front of my shorts were COVERED in fucking chocolate. not good times. messy, sloppy times. and it was over 90 degrees with tons of biting insects preying on me, so that didn't help matters. so weak. so angry.

that's all i got so far.

also, i hate mondays.

a lot.

tour de gay

2006-07-28T07:35:00.000-04:00

i am NOT a fan of the tour de france. not even a little. there is no skill involved in riding a bike. there is a shit load of endurance in doing what they do, but no skill. there is no athleticism in it. therefore, i am not interested in it. it's dominating my sportscenter today. get off.

there are always people biking where live. especially by the shore on the weekends. tons of spandex clad people on the side of the road peddling along getting in the way of traffic. a question for you. at what point do you go from recreational rider to spandex wearing super rider? i've ridden a bike hundreds, if not thousands of times in my life. never once was spandex involved. never. these jokers can't ride around in mesh shorts? spandex is THAT important? do they say to themselves, "you know what, i kind of like riding my bike, do you know what would really add to the experience, fucking spandex. fucking loud and bright spandex at that. let me get the brightest, most yellow, red, and green spandex outfit i can." b/c i think they do. what other explanation is there? it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. part of my goal in life (not including halloween) is avoid wearing tight clothes. it's uncomfortable and weird. these people thrive wearing it. all too often these fucks are overweight too. so not only do i get to see their fat asses hoofing away as i drive by, i get to see their spandexed fat asses hoofing away. it's terrible. i don't get it.

it's a girl!!!!

2006-07-28T07:10:00.000-04:00

i received a phone call at 5:10 this morning from the owner of the gym informing me that an hour earlier he had a little girl. payton kelly. his wife went into the hospital at 9 yesterday morning to be induced, but they eventually had to do a C-section early this morning. i'd been expecting phone calls with the good new all yesterday evening, but the kid just didn't want to come out. we had a bunch of balloons and banners and signs ready to go up. but that damn kid stayed put. so my first hour of work consisted of going up and down ladders hanging shit up. let me tell you something about climbing a ladder with a torn ACL. NOT GOOD. i think my leg fell off.

while i was on the ladder some fuck came up to me and started complaining about someone not putting their weights away. i was already angry b/c of my throbbing leg pain, and snapped. in mid sentance i cut him off, and said, "do you see me on a ladder? i'm 8 feet off the ground on one good leg. do you really need to tell me this now? this can't wait 5 minutes?" he looked at me, and walked away silently. it's like dealing with children here. it reminded me of the little kid that will try to have a conversation with you when you are on the phone. even they learn. fucking morons. i hate these fucks.

congrats boss!!!!!

debt collector

2006-07-28T06:52:00.000-04:00

read yesterday's post first, otherwise this will make little to no sense. it might not anyway.

what a fucking fiasco. i drive up to the town this guy is supposed to be in, and realize that mapquest was wayyyyyy off with it's directions. after about 20 minutes of circling around where the street i am looking for is SUPPOSED to be, i just happen to make a turn and run into what i am looking for. at no point did mapquest mention any of that. i find the street, and the address i am looking for just plain doesn't exist. it's a residential area and i'm looking for a business listing. to top that off, the street address doesn't exist. 188 is the number i needed. it went from 180 to 190, with no numbers in between. terrific.

i call my contact and ask him to mapquest the second address i have. since i am way off where maquest originally had me, i don't know where i am going. he gives me the directions and again mapquest is fucked up. again i just happen to make a turn and found myself on the road i was looking for. i find what is supposed to be an office. it's not. it's an equipment rental comany. i park off the lot b/c if there is any kind of trouble i want to be able to take off without fear of being boxed in. i also don't want anyone there seeing my plates. i walk up and ask for the deadbeat i am collecting from. i'm told he usually isn't here, but i can go check his office. it's around the back up the ramp. i go back there and there is an unmarked back entrance that is locked. i go back to my truck for a few minutes and write up a nice little note. something to the effect of "deadbeat this issue isn't going away. forward payment immediately." i actually write two of them, one on the invoice, the other to give to one of the people in the rental office. i stick around for a while asking every new face i see if he is joe (the deadbeat). no dice anywhere. mission accomplished to the best of my ability. i get paid either way.

not that fun a story. a lot of driving. and i didn't get to scare anyone. weak.

yeah.

2006-07-27T07:51:00.000-04:00

while very pleasing to the eye, knee braces are both irritating and cumbersome. the true joy is that when i take it off, it feels as though my knee will totally buckle and collapse into itself. good times.

pay up bitches.

2006-07-27T05:58:00.000-04:00

yesterday's pipe dream about being in bed by 10....just that. a pipe dream. in reality sleep came to me around 1. that left me with about 3 hours 45 minutes of actual sleep time. at least some of that awake time was put to good use.

a friend of mine offered me a business proposition. his company is owed money for services performed. the total invoice was $14000 and they only received $10000. for all you math majors that leaves $4000 owed. they have tried phone calls and letters for the last few weeks with no reply. before they spend the cash for lawyers to get involved they asked me to visit that company's office and try to "convince" them to ante up. i have free reign to do whatever i want to get this money. i don't plan on getting physical b/c i don't need to be arrested today, and assualt charges are never good. i have so many ideas of what to do running through my head. they are:
1. very little talking with angry intense staring. (also, i'm holding a baseball bat).
2. flip the fuck out like i'm a crack head.
3. a little of both.
4. talking like a reasonable human being. (not the most glamorous choice).
5. drop my pants and just see what happens. (my advice in any situation).

i get paid whether i collect the money or not so there is not reason to go too nuts with this. should be fun though. any and all suggestions for my behavior will be considered. feel free to leave some.

also, should i be flattered or worried that i was thought of to take this role of debt collector?

shoot the moon.

2006-07-26T07:37:00.000-04:00

book review time.

finished this one yesterday. i'd read a book of her's a couple years ago, "the honk and holler opening soon." this isn't something i would have picked off the shelf myself, but someone at work gave it to me. it's enjoyable, nothing to go nuts over though. it has the happy feel good ending that you just know was coming, that kind of predictability sometimes bothers me. i would recommend it, but don't go on a killing spree if it's not available.

nothing of any significance.

2006-07-26T05:38:00.000-04:00

yes i forgot my lunch today. yes i forgot to bring my laundry today (wednesday being laundry day and all). fuck. of course i remembered this as i was about 1 mile away from my house. close enough to consider going back, yet far enough away where if i HAD gone back, i would have been late to work. i would have much rather remembered when i'd gotten to work. oh well.

i do not feel well today. not enough sleep. ever. waking up at 4:28 (yeah, 4:28) everyday is slowly killing me. today it is quickly killing me. no bueno. hopefully i am asleep by 10 tonight, but since i am sleeping over the woman's house and not even getting there until 9:45, it's not looking good. my knee is getting on my nerves too. i got an MRI yesterday and meet with the surgeon on friday. yay. (that was feigned excitement). i just want this shit done b/c walking is becoming increasingly difficult and painful. good times.

if you are fat, wear a shirt that covers your ENTIRE stomach. just b/c you are covering the upper stomach fat, that doesn't mean the roll at the bottom should just flop around in a pale sweaty fashion. what is wrong with these people?

dunkin donuts has been on the ball lately. now that i've said that, they will totally fuck up tomorrow. can't wait.

i'll never understand this. we have 16 treadmills lined up on our cardio deck. only one is being used right now, and it's on the end. someone just walked up on got the one directly next to it. you have all the rest to chose from, you need to go right there? give a buffer. idiots.

i'll say it again, i work at the ugliest gym ever. it's sickening really.

is there a better feeling than checking your email and finding an ecard waiting for you? gotta love the woman. beautiful and sweet. what a combination.

i'll leave you with this: chuck norris' tears can cure cancer. too bad he's never cried.

think about it.

what a sports nut huh?

2006-07-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

you know it's a bad day in sports when a WNBA play is #1 on sportscenter's top 10. pathetic.

tag this

2006-07-25T06:10:00.000-04:00

i was tagged by dylan and never saw it. i swear. i will make up for it.

i have no way of knowing if this is correct or not, so i'll go with what i think is right. my top ten songs that i am listening to right now:

1. ben folds five-the luckiest. first of all, i love ben folds. this is kind of a weird piano laden love song. big fan of anything ben folds.

2. the used-taste of ink. there have been times i've listened to this song like 9-10 times in a row. i love the opening.

3. story of the year-until the day i day. "my hands around your throat and i think i hate you." terrific stuff. pretty much anything by them is can't miss. "sidewalks" was a close second for them.

4. slipknot-duality. this song just straight up gets me going. usually not a huge fan of music this hard.

5. daddy yankee-gasolina. this is more of a joke than anything else. on here strickly b/c it annoys the woman.

6. GZA-shadowboxing. this song will always be on my top ten. anyone who's nickname is "the genius" is going to be good.

7. jack johnson-mud football. this can really be any jack johnson song. especially in the summer time living on the bay. this is a no brainer.

8. unwritten law- rest of my life. a great song.

9. staind-it's been a while. i love songs about addiction.

10. O.A.R- heard the world. love the oar. got tickets this weekend to see them in august for the 4-5 time. anything by them is going to be good, and their live stuff is even better.

none of these songs are new by any means. i don't listen to the radio unless i am at work. ever. i hate dj's with a passion. i hate commercials. the ipod is my lifesaver and musical crutch. i am very particular about my music. country is never allowed. i've heard some of it is good. i don't care, i'll never give it a chance. not a fan of most rap, yet i love anything Wu-Tang or DMX. for the most part i love acustic guitar music. jack johnson, ben harper, ben folds (substitute piano for guitar), damien rice, etc. i do enjoy rock as well. ie; foo fighters, oar, chili peppers, etc. i even have some crappy emo/punk stuff. kids that hate their parents and sing about it make me laugh.

so there you go.

as requested.

2006-07-24T08:10:00.000-04:00

my girl is hotter than yours. it's a fact.

interesting reading.

2006-07-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

sometimes you open the paper and a member of your gym is on the cover for being arrested as the kingpin of a meth ring. terrific stuff. in all seriousness, due to the nature of his affiliation, i'm leaving it at that.

tag mother fucker

2006-07-24T06:08:00.000-04:00

apparently i got tagged by jazz. usually i am not cool enough to be tagged. i guess now that more than 2 people read this nonsense i should comply.

1. when did you first start blogging and why? per my archives i started blogging on monday, february 21, 2005. i was first introduced to blogs by my friend megan who was going to the gym at the time. she told me about the hot librarian's site which i thought was the funniest shit i had ever read. since i get extremely bored (obviously) at work i thought why the hell not? it's a good forum for me to rant and rave with relative anonymity.

2. what don't you talk about? hmm. for the most part i try to avoid anything too personal. it's only until more recently i've mentioned anything about the girlfriend. it's also rare that i'll talk about sex. (not with a girlfriend at least). i'll tell stories about it from college and whatnot.

3. are you and your blogging persona the same person? ha ha. that's a great question. what you see is what you get. THIS IS ME. anything i've ever said on this site has happened. i don't feel i need to embellish to impress people i don't know. i do rant and rave in real life too. i've said things to members of this gym that should have gotten me fired. somehow i manage to come across in way that people don't know whether to take me seriously or not. i straddle the line between total asshole and just sarcastic. and oddly enough people here love me. i would hate me.

4. how do you use blogging to build friendships? i don't think i necessarily do. if anything i'll create more enemies than friends with this site.

5. how would you describe your writing style? poor at best. in the technical sense i don't really care about specifics like grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. ill also jump from first to second to third person in one paragraph. it's my site, i'll write how i care too. would i write like this on a paper for class? clearly not. which is why it cracks me up when people comment on my mistakes. i don't care. correct all you like. as for actual style, i have NONE WHAT SO EVER. i write for myself. even when no one was reading this, i still wrote the way i do now. hopefully i can make people laugh. i sure as hell crack myself up.

that about sums it up. correct away douchebags.

monday hates me.

2006-07-24T05:56:00.000-04:00

this is pretty self explanitory.

do you know the importance of a SKY PAAAAGER??

2006-07-21T06:49:00.000-04:00

how did i never use that as a subject title before? i'm more than just a little disappointed in myself.

friday bitches!!!!

sweet mercy and holy shit it's friday!!!!! bitches.

friday is the best. monday through thursday, no. not even mediocre.

wear sweatpants fatty. the spandex you are wearing are about to burst.

the odyssey that was last night: yesterday was a lot of action. a lot of action. after work i decided to continue my fast from working out, b/c working out with a recently torn ACL just doesn't seem too smart. (i will start upper body stuff on monday b/c if i start shrinking i'll be REAL pissed). my dad recently purchased a grill, but since it wouldn't fit in his car i picked it up in my truck and drove it down to his house. we then got an early dinner. i'm a good son. so far so good. drive back to my house and my roommates decide to go the bar to watch the yankee game. i don't go b/c the woman is on her way over. i call her to see how far away she is and she answers in a cursing tirade. her car is at the pumps at a gas station and won't start. the interior lights come on, but nothing else. she alread called her brother who is right down the road and she's pissed and sweaty (it's 90 degrees out). i offer my services, but i'm about a half hour away and her brother is almost there. they jump her car and she makes her way over to my house. thinking maybe the battery had died, the drive over should have recharged it. when she turns off the ignition at my house she immediately tries to restart the car. nothing. terrific. at this point she is not even a little happy. i just got out of the shower and offer my services by dropping my towel. again, nothing. at least i tried. i'm thinking the battery is dead and she just needs a new one. no big deal. while taking at look under the hood i get bitten by 975 bugs. awesome. it's like 9:30 at night and only certain places are open, time is of the essence. we drive to target b/c it's the closest major store in the area. no car batteries. however the woman decides she needs a bikini. who am i to argue? the bug bites contine to itch. we eventually find our way to wal mart at 10:30. it closes at 11. this is when things get a little weird. we walk into walmart (which i hate b/c around here it is nothing but dirty foreigners and white trash) and it's as if we walk into a new dimension. there are dirty, and i mean DIRTY ass people EVERYWHERE. keep in mind it's 10:30 on a thursday night. all i want is a car battery. apparantly the crazy house just let out the bus here. these miscreants are just milling around like it's a prison yard. well, milling around and staring at the woman. well, staring at the woman then staring at me who is shooting daggers with my eyes at them. i guess they were rearranging the store and just let in a bunch of weirdos to help. but the weirdos are refusing to help. the walmart workers are yelling at them, and they do nothing but mutter to themselves and stare at us. many of the weirdos are like 12-16 years old too. aren't there child labor laws? well, not at walmart. so fucking bizarre. we get the car battery and go to the register to pay. several of the weirdso follow us there and get in line to buy gum and continue staring. i'm in between laughter and bewilderment at this situation. walmart is turned upside down, shit is everywhere, the PA system is barking orders to dirty ass people that refuse to listen, and 4 dirty ass 14 year olds are in line next to us whispering and ogling the woman like she's jenna jameson. we leave and go back to my house. it's still 90 degrees out and i get bitten about 380 more times while replacing the battery. when it's all connected she turns on the ignition and..........nothing. no i'm just fucking around, it started right up. i'm good like that.

prior to finding out about her car, all i wanted to do was be in bed early. no such luck.

however, she did take me up on the offer she had passed up on earlier. which is nice.

chill for a minute doug e. fresh says silence.

2006-07-20T07:46:00.000-04:00

someone came in this morning and as always, came to the counter and pulled up a chair to talk to me. he spent about 45 minutes chewing my ear off while my eyes never left the computer screen. then he went home. he never ever worked out. what the hell sense does that make? it was like 5:30 am too? sleep in. who does that? i need to start charging people for wasting my time. fuckers.

i've always been pretty aware of the fact most people enjoy talking about themselves almost exclusively. it became painfully obvious today. a woman came up to me and asked if i was going to a concert we had both been intersted in going to (not together mind you). i told her i would be unable to go, as i had recently torn my ACL and standing for a couple hours wouldn't be a good decision. she then went into a rant about how excited she was to go, as if i didn't say a word at all. no concern, no "feel better," nothing. not that i was neccessarily looking for that, but still. at least pretend to show concern for another person.

i hate these people.

sleep hates me.

2006-07-20T07:26:00.000-04:00

i will admit he's a snappy dresser though.

if you would only listen you might just realize what you're missing. you're missing me.

2006-07-19T06:48:00.000-04:00

i love me jack johnson. maybe i know every song by heart. maybe there's no maybe about it. i do. what of it? maybe i love his friend ben harper too. got a problem with that? i didn't think so.

the dr.:

first of all, what a pain in the balls just to get them to see me. referrals are utter bullshit. my PCP never called the referral in to my insurance company so before the specialist could see me my PCP had to call my carrier to then get a referral # so i could be seen. i avoid my PCP at all costs. all he does is take my copay and tell me to see someone else. fuck you. i cut out the middle man by demanding a straight referral. i'll go to who I want to go to. so that whole situation to at least a half hour to correct.

before i see the dr they give me an x-ray. while positioning my leg for the x-ray i realize just how unstable and fucked up it is. it feels mushy. it feels like jelly on the inside. it feels wrong. once they finish the x-rays the dr comes in and starts the examination. after fiddling with my knee for about 20 seconds he says nonchalantly, "yup, your ACL is torn."

fuck.

that was what came out of my mouth.

"i agree," is what he said.

he couldn't tell the exact amount of damage done so i am being scheduled for an MRI within the next few days. i have another appointment to see him next week to talk about the results of the MRI.

there is a 99% chance i'll need surgery. even if it's only a minor tear (which i don't think it is) i'll probably need to get it fixed. it won't heal itself and since i'm very active i'll be in constant pain like i am now unless i get surgery. there is only so much rehab and knee braces can do.

the timing of it sucks. not that there is ever a good time to hear news like that, but summer time? ugh. i play basketball as much as i can (which is how i did it) and softball every sunday (which i how i finished it off). they are bigtime highlights of my week. to have to sit around and do nothing is not my idea of fun. neither is limping around on crutches. however, the challenge of rehabbing it does have a sick appeal to me.

so that is the situation as of today. i don't want to get too far ahead of myself until all the tests are done, but it's not looking too good.

there are worse things that can happen and i know in the long run i'll be fine, if not better.

but still......FUCK.

hey. smile!!!!

2006-07-18T07:20:00.000-04:00

hey. shut the fuck up.

i often wish i had anonymity here at work. i don't. far from it. very far. i am the face of the gym for the 8 hours i'm here (i refer to that time as hell on earth). i am in a lot of pain today. therefor, i am NOT smiling. don't tell me to. if i wanted to smile and be mr. happy guy i would. i don't. in fact, if you knew me at all you wouldn't expect that for even a second.

one thing i miss about my old office job is being able to hide from time to time. not feeling well? stay in your cube all day. bad mood? go take a little break for a while. since i am the only employee here (i don't count childcare or aerobics instructors) i have nowhere to go. i can't just hide somewhere. so i more or less always need to be "on." this means i have to have WAY more conversations than i would ever want to. i am not good at faking happiness. today and yesterday i've been irritated and surly. (more so than usual). i am gimping around trying to avoid hurting my knee worse than it already is. i am in actual physical pain, so please don't tell me about your weekend at the shore, or your night out at the bar. i don't care about these events when i feel fine, why would i care now?

knee pain is not good.

2006-07-18T06:13:00.000-04:00

i think my knee is pretty fucked up. it is swollen real bad and hurts like hell. i did something to it last week playing basketball and i finished the job sunday playing softball. why did i play softball with my knee already hurting? b/c i'm an idiot. happy?

a list of injuries i suffered in college playing football:

freshman year: broke my elbow when a teammate's helmet hit it and bent it the wrong way in a game. it was my first start of the season and it was in a monsoon. i heard it POP but stayed in the game. i made 4 more tackles with a broken arm. i knew my season was over and wanted to finish strong. i am hardcore.

junior year: broke my nose on a friday before the game on saturday. while catching a punt during practice i ran into a teammate and since my chinstrap wasn't buckled my helmet went down hard and broke my nose. i played in the game the next day and everytime i made a tackle the helmet would again hit my nose and my eyes would tear up. the accompanying black eyes were a nice touch.

senior year: tore my right quad during preseason camp. there was internal bleeding and my leg turned purple and yellow. due to overcompensating for the right quad i then pulled my left quad. not as badly, but still not good. also tore all the ligaments in my shoulder in the second game of the season. my shoulder fell out of the socket and i had to put it back in on the field. the rest of the game it kept sliding in and out. that continued for the next week. i would wake up and my arm was out of the socket. i would shower and my arm would slide out of the socket. this led to surgery a week later. at least i finished the game. i am hardcore. this was a blessing in disguise as i was awarded a medical redshirt and was allowed to play another year. that next year we had the number one defense in the country. the year i got hurt we sucked. real bad.

i have an appointment to see a knee specialist today. i am hoping it is just a bad sprain and nothing too major. the idea of knee surgery doesn't appeal to me. i'm sure the dr will send me for an MRI so i won't know anything definitive for a couple more days. so weak.

football is fun.

my thoughts on work today.

2006-07-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

as you can see, i'm not a big fan.

my boy is back.

2006-07-17T07:24:00.000-04:00

seth berkman was returned safe and unharmed yesterday morning at my softball game. i received a phone call early sunday morning requesting the drop be made in the dugout across from our field at 10 am. i was late, but the drop was made. seth was in the dugout in one piece. relief was not the word. my boy is back home hanging in our front living room (affectionatly referred to as the "lodge" b/c the entire room is made of wood). thanks for all of your concern.

reunited. double LP world's excited. struck a match to the underground. industry ignited.

2006-07-17T06:55:00.000-04:00

real good weekend. lots of beach. lots of sun. lots of food. that's a recipe for good times.

waking up at 4:15 am monday morning and going to work, that's a recipe for BAD times.

i love the beach. it's enjoyable on many levels. the weirdness of people never ceases to amaze me.
examples:
sneakers and socks. really? there's sand. lots of it. it will get in your sneakers (and socks). that's not comfortable. buy some sandals.

jeans. it's fucking hot out. wear shorts. better yet, wear a bathing suit. (the woman surprised me with the one in the pic. i love loud obnoxious swimwear).

long sleeve shirts. again, it's fucking hot out. wear a tee shirt.

men in speedos. oh yeah. there was some of that. too much. even a little of that is too much. very euro. very hairy. very bad.

fat chicks in two pieces. wow. is this neccessary? a big part of me (gag reflex) is gonna say no, it's not. i am not against fat people at the beach persay (someone has to make me look good), but let's be reasonable about this. cover up. cellulite and stretch marks make it hard for me to eat. and i enjoy food.

big ass beards. the thought of that makes me uncomfortable. shave you dirty motherfucker. that shit can't be comforable.

hairy bouchwas (boo-sha-wa). take care of yourself down there. buy a hair clipper. better yet, a razor. even better yet, pay for a waxing. any visible hair in that area WILL make me throw up. fuck.

men that can't throw. this probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it does. there is nothing more effeminine than a man that throws like a girl. it really really bothers me. if you can't catch or throw, don't bring a football.

13 year old girls annoying me. is jimmy going to call? i hope he does. i hope he comes here. OH MY GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE DOES? i think i'll die. do you think he'll do that? i hope he does. etc, etc, etc. little girl, you are trying my patience. jimmy hates you.

the beach is fun.

my girl is the beautiful thing in the world. it's a fact.

random thought

2006-07-14T07:52:00.000-04:00

i've been running this site for over a year and i didn't post a picture or any graphics until like 2 weeks ago. now i can't stop.

take my advice, avoid the desert.

2006-07-14T07:46:00.000-04:00

this movie is the reason i am so tired today. the woman brought it over and we didn't start watching it until late. i don't know if you knew this or not, but the hills do in fact have eyes. more importantly they have crazy ass mutant people that can only be killed with axes to the skull. mental note: if driving through desert bring axes. lots of them. also, bring some water. that just makes sense.

it was pretty good. i enjoy a good scary movie and this had it's share of "shock scenes." i don't enjoy mutant children, and this had plenty of that too. i would recommend it, but it's not about to win an oscar.

also, no nude scenes so that's a minus in my book.

don't judge me.

gangsta. y'all just wanna bes. federal agents on the sceen.

2006-07-14T06:25:00.000-04:00

friday bitches!!!!

you get that? it's friday bitches!!!!!

sweet lord thank you. i am so fucking tired today. more so than usual, and i am usually exhausted. i blame the woman. why? b/c it's easy to point fingers.

if a middle age woman asks if she can tan, you should reply, "hey, it's your world." she will be confused and you will laugh silently to yourself. and that's what it's all about.

my brain isn't working right now. not that it ever really does, but it's worse right now.

this book over here.....it's legit. i just finished it yesterday. yes, even dumb jocks can read. i read about a book a week. impressed? i also lift the seat up when i pee. now i KNOW you're impressed. if you've never read anything by harlan coben i recommend picking something up. i've read about 4-5 of his and have been impressed everytime. so if you don't know, now you know nigga.

all joking aside there is this weirdo fuck that comes in here that i think gets dropped off by the psycho ward everyday. he dresses in ridiculously mismatched clothing and mumbles to himself the whole time. he would be a source of humor, but he is dirty and just creepy looking. i refuse to touch his key tag thing and just wave him by everyday. he came up to ask me a question a couple weeks ago and had a fucking wad of snot just hanging off his face. i actually dry heaved at the time, and even thinking about it elicits the same response. fucking sick.

have you seen this boy?

2006-07-13T07:17:00.000-04:00

i bought this picture at a yardsale the weekend before i moved into my house. my now roommate and i were driving to go somewhere and happened to stop by. i am usually not a big yardsale guy, but since we didn't have all that much for the house we thought we might be able to pick something up for cheap. did we ever. we were going through their shit and happened across this picture. i don't know how much you can see of it, but it's of a kid at tennis camp (camp kennybrook to be exact) from 1985. the fact that someone was SELLING A PICTURE OF THEIR KID FROM TENNIS CAMP struck me as so random and funny i had no choice but to buy it. i bought it for a dollar, but between you and me, i would have paid seven. think about it, you are going through your house looking for things to sell at a yardsale, and BAM....your son's picture from tennis camp. why wouldn't you sell it? the beauty of the picture is the fact the kid is wearing REALLY short tennis shorts and high ass socks. he is also smiling ear to ear. apparantly he is a BIG fan of tennis camp. i still think it's the funniest thing in the world. is it kind of creepy? oh you bet. that only adds to the comedic value.

after this SWEET purchase we decided to give this kid a name and background story. we named him Seth Berkman, b/c why the hell not? he looks like a seth berkman. the background story is he was one hell of a tennis player, taking second overall in the singles tournament that year at good ol' camp kennybrook (which happens to be in NY for all of you that are wondering. yeah we looked it up). we're assuming he lost to an up and coming matts wilander. he won firt in the doubles tournament which is ironic b/c he is generally a selfish person. his dream to play professional tennis was tragically cut short by a freak knee injury. forced to retire from the game he so loved he turned his attention to academics. he studied hard and although he wanted to be a vet, his father forced him to become a CPA. (there is still a lot an anamosity over this). with this rift in their relationship the parentes decided to sell all of seth's tennis memorabilia, thus this picture landing in our lap.

this picture HAD a prominent spot in our house and was one of the main talking points on the house tour. it was either very well received and thought to be hysterical, OR people just thought we were weirdos. either way, everyone knew about seth. we loved him like the weirdo tennis playing son we never had, or even knew for that matter.

that was, until last week's 4th of july party.

i walked downstairs the day after the party and was immediately informed that seth had been *GASP* stolen. you can only imagine the look of horror and confusion that came across my face. fury. who would do such a thing to our beloved seth? well, it could have been just about anyone. we've made a lot of enemies. everyone there had some kind of motive. my roommate had pissed in someone's basement the week earlier. we had tossed someone's cooler in the bay earlier that night. the list goes on and on. we were going through the list of people at the party when i decided to check my email. it had a message from a "Lance" on my myspace account, and not knowing any lances i opened the message. this is what i received:

you know what we have....if you ever want to see your precious picture again, you better listen!
respond to this email within in 48 hours or the picture will be destroyed.
If we find out you went to the authorities...the picture will be destroyed
more to come......

the picture on the account was of our boy seth.

i responded with:

is my boy still alive?
i want proof.

him:

consider yourself warned. I contact you! YOU DO NOT CONTACT ME...UNDESTAND!!! I'm holding all the cards now. Contact me first again and you will be sorry.

You will need to collect the following items or you will never see your boy again.

1. 1987 Topps Rafeal Santana Baseball card .. 378(brown borders)
2. 6-pack of Mickey's Malt Liquor grenades (the little green wide mouth bottles).
3. two Take 5 candy bars
4. one trojan rubber

you have until noon on Saturday the 8 of July. Failure to collect the following items will result in non-compliance and a destroyed picture. You will send me a message by the deadline or else.

If this is accomplished we will call you on Saturday to discuss the drop off point. Tentative exchange will take place on Sunday the 9th.

I hope for your boy's sake you accomplish the task at hand

him:

tick tock.....tick tock.....tick tock

me:

i have the items in hand. i need another visual confirmation that my boy is ok before a drop is made.

him:

once again...I CALL THE SHOTS!!!!! you dont tell me when a drop is made....I'M IN CONTROL. I hope for your sake you have all the correct items or you are dead. The exchange will take place tomorrow evening (sunday) provide me with a number you can be reached at. If you do not answer my call within 5 rings and I get and answering machine...picture destroyed. COME ALONE OR ELSE!!!

me:

i gave my number. (i'm not about to give it to you weirdos).

him:

the drop off will take place this Sundau, possible in a beach community, possible (blank), NJ. More info gto follow. Make sure you have the goods and your phone is on, or you will never see the boy again. Also, please set up a meeting with me and the blond in your pic.

me:

the meeting with the blonde is not looking good. don't get your hopes up.

so this is an example of what kinds of friends i have. people not only willing to steal something from my house, but also go to these lengths to entertain themselves. the entire situation cracks me the fuck up b/c it is something i would totally do. we have narrowed it down to a couple people in particular. the culprit is someone clever enough to even hatch a scheme like this. most of my friends are fully capable of doing something like this, they just lack the wherewithall to go through the hassle of setting up a myspace account complete with pictures of my boy. (one of the pictures was taken in parking garage somewhere which totally through us off). again, all of this over someone elses son's picture.

you took a trip, and climbed a tree. at robert sledge's party. and there you stayed, till morning came. and you were not the same after that.

2006-07-13T06:46:00.000-04:00

a guy just joined here who was supposedly a bigtime body builder back in the day. i think he thought i was going to know who he was b/c when i checked him in, he lingered waiting for me to say something. i just turned around and went back to the computer. someone else came up and asked me his name, when i told him he informed me that he was in fact a big deal. i disagree. body building is not my thing. little speedos, oiling up, shrunken balls. not the life for me. and even if i did recognize him, what the hell was he expecting me to do? ask for an autograph? go away.

there is someone just standing at the counter waiting to strike up a conversation with me. i have no desire today. so i am going to continue to type hoping against hope he'll just get the idea and go away. they never do.

he finally left. i am happy.

playing basketball the other night when it was 90 degrees and 90% humidity, not the best idea. may have almost suffered heart attack. but it was good to find out my trick knee is in fact, still a trick knee. one day i might be 100% healthy. it's not looking good, but i can hope.

there is nothing in the world worse than the WNBA. to say i simply loathe it would be a HUGE understatement. i know i wrote about this once before, but i'm not about to read though my nonsensical ramblings to link it. all i know is it is on my sportscenter and that makes me angry.

i'm on a mission that niggas say is impossible. when i swing my swords they are choppable. i be the body dropper, the heart beat stopper.

2006-07-11T08:05:00.000-04:00

guy at dunkin donuts, you are really trying my patience. so many messed up orders. so many coffees made the wrong way. charging me a different price everyday even though i get the same thing. what is that? how does that even happen?

i don't known if anything makes less to me than people working out in jeans. first of all, we have a no jeans policy. i don't enforce it too strictly b/c the people wearing them are not normal. what normal person wears jeans to the gym? secondly, how uncomfortable is that? jeans are not breathable if you catch my drift. they chafe. (yeah, i don't know how to spell that). thirdly, who the fuck wears jeans to the gym. you don't see anyone else wearing them? get comfortable you idiot.

the water salesman: we order many of our drinks from a local vendor. snapple, gatorade, and water are all bought from the same place. this place has a salesman that comes here once a week to see if we need anything. this guy is an asshole. he bugs me. a lot. i came to find out he only gets commission on sales that he makes in person. therefore, if i call an order in, he gets no commission. that is fun. i NEVER order from him. there are times he's come in, i've said "yeah, we're good. no order this week." then called and placed big orders. don't annoy me. lately he's started actually following me into the storage closet to check with me. i let it slide a couple times b/c i just don't want to talk to him. (and really i couldn't be more of a dick to him if i tried. it's pretty funny). yesterday i'd had enough. to get to the storage clost you need to walk through our childcare area. as i opened the door to childcare i could feel him at my back. i opened the door and slammed it behind me, literally slamming the door into his legs and chest. after hearing the impact against him, i took a quick glance into the closet and said, "yeah. we're good this week." i'm placing an order tomorrow. fucker. don't annoy me.

will it ever stop? yo, i don't know. turn off the lights, and i'll glow.

2006-07-10T16:51:00.000-04:00

i walked into dunkin donuts with the best intentions. all i wanted was two coffees. one for myself, one for one of the members that tips me way better than anyone should. that's all i wanted. as i crept closer to the entrance a smell of donutty goodness overwhelmed me. the stomach made demands, and against my will donuts were ordered. damn you dunkin donuts. you evil (and probably slutty) temptress. (they were so damn good though).

i'm pretty sure the slob from a couple posts ago is cancelling her membership. JACKPOT!!! i really couldn't be happier. i can't put into words how furious i will be if this isn't true. i'll find out for sure relatively soon. i may have to go as far as calling the billing company to confirm it. the prospect of a (more) quiet morning is almost too much to consider. if she DOESN'T cancel, there will be hellfire and brimstone thrown at her everytime she walks in the door. good times.

there is a fine line between evading the police, and what i like to call "smart driving." this morning there was some smart driving. it involved a cop passing me in the other direction while going over a hill. seeing his brake lights disappear over the hill prompted me to fucking floor it and make some quick turns before he could get back over the hill. with no one the wiser.

won $20 last night betting on the homerun derby. thank you ryan howard. he was smoshing the ball. (my roommates and i enjoy betting on trivial things.)

i can't see that zidane world cup head butt enough. what the fuck was he thinking? like no one would notice that? i'll tell you what i do appreciate about it...the force he threw it with. i've done some head butting (yeah, sometimes it happens) and it fucking hurts if you don't do it right. i like his effort on it, the timing was just a little off.

work eats it.

my baby got sauce. you're baby ain't sweet like mine.

2006-07-10T07:13:00.000-04:00

this is me and my baby. she is the most beautifulest thing in this world. for some reason an idiot like me gets to be with her. sucker.

do anything i can to dodge the bus stop blues.

2006-07-10T06:31:00.000-04:00

fuck monday. i had a great weekend.

had people over friday night. not too many, but a couple. woman was with her her friends. separately had good times. there is a lot to be said for that. if she or i couldn't enjoy time apart my head would explode.

went to beach with her on saturday. other than the debacle that is beach parking had a great time. i didn't have to beat anyone's ass for staring, BUT she did (as always) look amazing. i am lucky. went and got awesome mexican food after that. i ordered enough for myself that the waitress looked at me funny. go to hell. i like enchiladas. a lot. later that night more people came over for the UFC fight, which totally sucked. oh well. $40 up in smoke. still, i love that ultimate fighting shit. it's addicting.

had softball yesterday, won both games. played pretty well. hit my second homerun of the summer, which is always nice. too bad it was one million degress out. spent much of the rest of the day on the couch. watched "fear and loathing in las vegas." i haven't seen it in years. i forgot just how fucked up it is. it makes me want to do drugs. and i don't even do drugs. maybe i should start. and then go to las vegas. it worked for hunter s. thomson. although he just died recently, so maybe not.

something funny (at least to me) was pointed out to me this weekend. my ability to be a dick without realizing it.

two recent examples:

1. the woman and i went and saw fireworks last week on the 4th. while we were leaving i heard someone call my name. naturally i turned around and saw some geek from the gym. i use the term geek to be nice. this kid is a weirdo. he's like 22, with poor social skills. i'd feel bad for him, but he's annoying. really annoying. so he starts talking me up as i am dragging the woman away across the sand (we were at the beach). he then gives me, "let me introduce you to someone." when i let loose an audible, "ugh". i didn't even realize i had done it until the woman dug her nails into me and gave a look that says, "what is wrong with you." (i know that look very well). so introductions are made all around and he asks the woman, "so you live in philly right?" my jaw drops and my eyes roll. fucking great. the ex lived in philly. the woman actually handled it well by saying, "no, that's one of his many ex's." that prompted me to say, "thanks dan (the geeks name), that wasn't awkward at all. maybe you can key my truck later too." i then manage a quick getaway by saying we were parked far away. he was still talking as i literally drag the woman out of there. if you see me out, don't start up a conversation with me. a nod, or a hello will do. we aren't friends.

2. while waiting to place the order for mexican food on saturday someone cut us in line (you order at a counter and then they bring you your food). again without realizing it i mutter, "motherfucker, where do you think you're going?" i thought i had said "excuse me." aparantly i didn't. i am a jerk. people stared. the woman was embarassed. don't cut in line. if you cut me in line i will curse at you. the couple that did it got behind us. abide by the rules of society. if there is a line, you don't cut.

the humor in this is the fact i did these things without realizing it, and while thinking i said something totally different. these were just snap reactions. i don't think these neccessarily make me a dick, i just want to be left alone. i don't talk to people i only know in passing. so don't talk to me. i don't cut in line. so don't cut me.

what the hell is wrong with everyone else in this world?

me and monday. (again).

2006-07-10T06:19:00.000-04:00

this is a picture of me and monday. he doesn't like me. i don't like him. as always he has the better of me. bastard.

(he's holding a gun. drawing is hard.)

i'm a b boy, standing in my b boy stance. hurry up and give me the microphone before i bust in my pants.

2006-07-07T06:46:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches.

ya heard? it's friday bitches!!!!!

usually i stare friday down on the schedule. since this week was broke up by my day off on tuesday, it isn't as significant. don't get me wrong, i would slit someone's throat if i had to work tomorrow. but i wasn't AS dying for it. i'm sure next week will be twice as miserable having said that.

i have NOTHING planned for this weekend. first time in a LOOOONNNGGG time. no weddings. no parties. no etc. may try the beach tomorrow with the woman depending on the weather. hoping it's nice b/c she looks ridiculous in a bikini. although i will have to keep my sanity when she gets stared at. i get crazy like that. i've started fights in the past. yes i am crazy. yes i am aware of this. look once, ok fine. look twice, watch yourself. just fucking stare? there are problems. i'm not complaining, b/c that would be complaining about having a hot girlfriend. and after all, as she constantly reminds me, she is there with ME. still......

i am so much happier at work on fridays. it's like i'm a whole new person. i still hate everyone in here with a passion, but it doesn't wear on me as much.

WAIT, just remembered, getting UFC on saturday night. should be good fights. 2 HUGE fights.

the slob just walked in and walked right on by me. so worth it.

the cutie texted me last night saying she missed me.

see? it all works out.

the term "dead hooker" still makes me laugh. i told that to someone once, she looked at me like i was the devil. she's not too far off.

anyone i know named lou will undoubtably be called "sweet lou". i don't know why. i'm a weirdo.

another pic

2006-07-06T07:41:00.000-04:00

i'm sorry for the lack of a no pants pic. to make up for it (it won't) here is one of me as richard simmons for halloween two years ago. i bought that shirt at a woman's dance store. when i walked in the the workers thought i was some kind of pervert. they were right, but not for the reasons they thought. i then explained to them the reason for my purchase. they made me return to the store with full costume pics. the rest of the costume included short spandex shorts and leg warmers. i looked good. i mean, really good.

hey carl. good to see you!!!

2006-07-06T06:16:00.000-04:00

it is pouring outside. it is summer. it's supposed to be nice out. it's not. that makes me smile. fuck it. i'm at work. what the hell do i care how it is out? i prefer torrential downpours b/c people are much less likely to come in here and bother me. and really, it's all about me. however i will now be stuck having this conversation at least 20 times today:

idiot: how bout that rain?
me: yeah.
idiot: blah blah blah blah
me: FUCK OFF!!!!!!!

it might not go exactly like that every time, but i assure you it's pretty close.

on a totally unrelated topic: i don't like ugly girls. i have no use for them. there is a very ugly girl that comes in here and talks my ear off. i've told her to leave me alone on hundreds of occasions, she doesn't. she thinks i am joking. i assure her i'm not. the sight of her makes me throw up in my mouth. she has propositioned me on numerous occasions. i have actually laughed in her face. she asked why she wasn't invited to my july 4th party, i told her "let's be serious. i don't want anyone thinking i even know you." i wish i made that up. i didn't. i usually don't resort to such cruelty, but i think she gets off on it. not anymore. we are going to refer to this girl as "the slob."

(that's the background, here's the good part)

i've been working out with a 21 year old cutie for the past month. she wanted to start lifting weights and she asked me if i could train her. i don't like training people persay, but she is a cutie and we've had this flirty thing going on for like 2 years so i told her i would work out with her. not train, but work out with. i put her through my routine. it's going fine. we have fun working out together. very flirty, but nothing more than that. i ask her if she has a boyfriend, she says no. she never asks me my dating status. i would have told her i had a girlfriend if she asked. she didn't. did i lie by omission? you bet. but honestly the topic never came up. did my girlfriend know about it? fuck no. i'm not an idiot. again, i never crossed any lines with this girl. but truth be told, i was counting on her as a backup if things with the woman went south. not anymore. we are going to refer to this girl as "the cutie."

the slob and the cutie kinda know each other b/c the cutie worked at a tanning salon the slob went to. anyway, the other day the three of us are at the counter b-sing and this happens:

the cutie: i'll see you later to work out right?
me: yes
the slob: how does your girlfriend feel about you guys working out together?

mother fucker.

me: she's fine with it.
the cutie: (face bright red) i have to go. (runs out the door).
the slob: (kinda laughing) i have to go too.
me: you miserable fuck. are you fucking kidding me?
the slob: don't curse at me.
me: fuck you. that was totally unneccessary.
the slob: i didn't mean anything by it. i didn't think it was a big deal.
me: get the fuck out of my face. don't ever ever talk to me again.
the slob: (eyes welling up) uh uh uh
me: GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME.

damage control: i text the cutie and her responses are short and angry. she then tells me yesterday she doesn't want to work out with me anymore. she is visibly upset and not in a talking mood. i let it go. i then remember that i did ask her out a couple months ago and she kinda blew me off. (she did ask me out a couple weeks ago and i said no). no big deal. i also remember that we never even saw or talked outside of the gym. so i am not feeling any guilt over this. the slob walks in yesterday and for the first time in two years she doesn't stop and talk to me. it was worth it just for that.

a lot of action

2006-07-05T06:16:00.000-04:00

i'm the (good looking) idiot in the middle.

my whole week is messed up. since i work like a dirty mexican and never take off, my whole schedule is outta whack. i took off yesterday and kept thinking it was saturday. it wasn't. not even close. it was tuesday. that means today NOT being sunday, i have to work. fuck me. days off are nice. i need to take more of those. much more.

so we had a party on monday night. and yeah, things got a little weird. you know that will happen when people start coming over and drinking at 5pm. i was still out buying food and i was getting phone calls from people at my house. terrific. now to set the scene, imagine just a shit load of people that have all known each other for at least 10 years, in many cases 20 years. imagine all of those people getting shit canned drunk for about the millionth time together. now throw in fireworks, beer games, and a bay to jump in, and that is a recipe for good times/disaster. (it's all in the eyes of the beholder). lap dances were given (by me), clothes were removed (by many), sinks were thrown up in (not me), and 18 year old neighbors were made out with (sadly, not me. damn girlfriends ruin everything). good times.

yesterday's clean up.....not such good times. well worth it though.

went and saw fireworks on the beach with the woman last night and got ice cream afterwards. see, i can be nice too. just not often.

art 101

2006-07-03T06:40:00.000-04:00

this is a picture of WORK throwing me off a building. it's pretty good. it's not drawn to scale though.

go away, need sleepy.

2006-07-03T06:11:00.000-04:00

just miserable.

that's the best way to describe my attitude right now. not that it is ever what i would consider "good," but it's even worse today. sleep last night, minimal. sleep the night before, also minimal. usually i attempt to make up for my lack of sleeping during the week on the weekend. not so this weekend. for various reasons sleep was interrupted and never regained. fuck me. so today is like a 9 day lack of sleep hangover. and we are having a HUGE party at my house tonight, so that will lean towards disaster for my body. on the plus side, i did take off tomorrow so i am hoping to literally sleep all day long. i don't want to see sunshine tomorrow. just blankets, AC, and pillows. and the woman naked of course.

about the party. it's going to get out of hand. it's going to get ugly. people are going to get loaded. people are going to get high. people will jump in the bay. people will be thrown in the bay. laughs will be had. it's exciting. not looking forward to the aftermath tomorrow, but i will enjoy tonight.

that is, if i can stay awake.

mother fuckers act like they forgot about dre

2006-06-30T06:35:00.000-04:00

it's friday bitches. sweet mercy thank the lord it's friday. bitches.

was this close to calling in late today. then i remembered i have no one to call out to. fuck this place. would have been nice though.

talk radio sucks. as i walked up to the front doors this morning some douchebag was sitting in his truck blasting talk radio. so much of that sentence is just wrong.

i'll break it down:

as i walked up to the front doors this morning: it was 4:55 am. that's just too early to go to work. why the fuck do i do this every day? i should've called out.

some douchebag: weirdo black dude that speaks with some crazy ass accent. he used to come in sparingly, now he's here everyday. i'll never understand that. at some point i'm sure he'll skin me alive. that's what they do.

sitting in his truck: sleep in pal. don't wait in the parking lot for me. the chances of me opening this joint before 5 are none and fucking none.

blasting talk radio: really? really? is that neccessary at 4:55 am? is it ever neccessary to blast talk radio? i don't think it is. he must REALLY want to know the weather. asshole.

i know what you are thinking. and you know what? maybe YOU have anger issues.

you fat shit

2006-06-29T07:14:00.000-04:00

thank you for coughing into your fat sweaty hand of wadded up dollar bills which you then used to pay for your water. terrific. just put those on the counter while i get some gloves to handle them.

i hate fat people.

I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE SAN DIEGO

2006-06-29T06:52:00.000-04:00

i've tried being rude. i've tried being mean. i've tried.....well that's about all i've tried, BUT these fuckers that come in here still don't get the idea i want nothing to do with them. so i am going to try a new approach. total straight up ignoring them.

example:
douchebag: hey, blah blah blah blah blah.
me: (silence)
douchebag: blah blah blah blah blah.
me: (crickets chirping)
douchebag: plod plod plod (that's the sound of fat feet walking away).

i'm hoping if this happens a few times they'll start to get the idea that i DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.

oh problems with your husband? fuck you.

your kid won his game. great. fuck you.

you job blah blah blah. fuck you.

i don't care.

FUCKERS LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! you see me sitting at a computer, or talking on the phone, or doing paperwork. why do you feel it neccessary to fucking talk to me. keep walking!!! get the fuck away from me.

fuck.

from up here the city lights burn, like a thousand miles of fire.

2006-06-28T06:43:00.000-04:00

and then the woman takes off her shirt and everything is ok.

the woman gave me a card this morning before work. it was written before our little episode (which has since passed). it is a sweet gesture and a very sweet card. i was touched (not in the pants, which is weak). i am not a card guy. i appreciate getting them, but it is RARE that i will get one for someone else (this does not include things cards are mandatory for, ie: birthdays, mothers/fathers day, etc). it's just a weird thing to me. i tell her all the things that are written on a card everyday. isn't that better? it is to me. mostly b/c i don't want to be bothered to go into a store, look through lots of bad cards in order to say something i can just actually verbalize. BUT i always like when someone buys one for me. you would think i would do this for someone else, knowing it will make them feel good. i still probably won't. i will however send 20 nice texts a day. i am a weirdo. i'd be better off just going and getting a damn card every once in a while. but i have to wait now, otherwise it looks like i'm giving her one just b/c she gave me one. what sick games we play.

i still have a card some crazy chick gave me after about three dates. it said "i love you and hope we spend the rest of our lives together." i couldn't hide the shock and disbelief on my face when i opened it. just terrific stuff. yeah, that may have been the last night i ever saw her. that didn't stop me from sleeping with her that night. twice. don't judge me. HOLLA!!!!

on a black rock, is where i want to go.

2006-06-27T05:42:00.000-04:00

i told a woman earlier that when i come in and shoot the place up, and rest assured that IS going to happen, she'd be safe. she looked at me like i was crazy, but said thanks.

it's all about making people feel safe. i'm good like that.

sometimes a day or two off from the woman can be good.

everytime 4 idiots get together and play video games it's good.

coffee hurts my stomach so bad, but it's so neccessary after only 4 hours of sleep. (stupid video games).

you would think i'd have more to say, but you would be wrong.

who the fuck is this paging me at five forty six in the mornin, crack a dawning, now i'm yawnin.

2006-06-26T07:04:00.000-04:00

that last post was way more personal than i usually get.

don't get used to it.

bitches.

and yes i did go to denny's this weekend as well. me and the roommates. i may never go again. so much white trash. so much black trash. so much LOUD black trash. just plain makes me angry. invited the woman, didn't want to go. after telling me the day before she loves denny's. then got mad later that night that i had gone.

rest of the weekend was ok. put up a fence at my dad's house on friday afternoon. came out pretty damn good if i say so myself. spent much of the next two days watching baseball. all in all, good times.

crazy. thy name is female.

2006-06-26T06:05:00.000-04:00

hmm. interesting weekend.

the new girl.....we'll see how long she remains the new girl for. there is a real good chance she will be another old girl soon.

she is not a very outgoing person. my friends are extremely outgoing, loud, an obnoxious. in other words, good times. i'm starting to find out she is not.

took her to a VERY NICE, VERY EXPENSIVE restaurant this weekend. i do not have a hard time dressing up and playing nice. i also don't have a hard time splurging for an expenisive dinner. i like doing that as well. believe it or not i am a spolier.(it can't always be denny's). anyway, the whole fucking dinner was ruined. half the time was spent in angry silence. at one point i told her, "i hope you enjoy this dinner, b/c it's the last one we are having." not a nice thing to say, but totally how i was feeling at that moment. i will always say what i am feeling at that moment. for better or worse. most times it's better. ie: you look beautiful, i love you, etc.

here is my issue. there are many sides to this girl. we all have many sides: nice, mean, sweet, sarcastic, public, private, etc. the private side of this girl is awesome. when it's just her and i things are usually great. especially when we are laying in bed. very sweet. take her out of that environment and a whole new person emerges. in public she seems to play the "tough girl" role almost exclusively. that is fine when you are feeling each other out and your defenses are up. but it's been a couple months and we see each other almost every night. time for that shit to stop. act like a normal person. act like an adult. there are times for joking and times to just be nice. it is exhausting to always do the joking insults and be "on." now on this site i am an asshole. in real life i am an asshole. in a relationship i am an asshole, but not all the time. for the most part i laugh and joke around, but i'm never mean about it. sometimes this girl is just mean. i think b/c she is so good looking she is just used to getting everything she wants. i am not the kind of guy that will allow that. BUT, this girl IS incredibly good looking and i am very weak in the physical sense. that means if this relationship is going to end, it will take way longer than it should. b/c she is hot, and i enjoy doing it.

also, she didn't say thank you for dinner. a HUGE mistake in my book.

ya know?

2006-06-23T06:58:00.000-04:00

several notes to the assholes that just walked in:

old woman. you are fucking miserable everyday. if life is that bad, kill yourself. your husband is such a nice guy too. do him a favor and bite the barrel of a gun. (was that too much?). also, wear more clothing. someone in their late 60's/early 70's shouldn't wear spandex.

attractive mom that just came in. why are you so angry everyday? someone as good looking as you shouldn't be that angry. do more cardio. your ass is big.

old man river. stop talking to me. right now. you see my head down typing, YET you continue talking to me. still. go away. go away. go away.

little guy with napolean complex. shut the fuck up!!! there is no need to demand the attention of everyone here. speak in an indoor voice like a big boy.

it's only 7:09. fuck me running.

i don't like knowing people. i don't like people knowing about me.

2006-06-23T06:17:00.000-04:00

matthew sweet is the best. if you don't believe me, download some of his music. if you still don't believe me, go fuck yourself.

it's friday bitches!!!!! sweet mercy.

so about yesterday's second post......um.....yeah. sometimes you need to write about more than hating work and the idiots this place is filled with.

not often. just sometimes. occasionally you get a peek at the man behind the curtain. thanks for the comments (those that left them. those that didn't, you are heartless pricks).

why i am the nicest boyfriend ever: the new woman was sick the other day. what did i surprise her with? chicken soup, magazines, and a coloring book. dang, i am too sweet for my own good.

also, i'm very good looking. pretty much the perfect combination.

and modest. to a fault.

or maybe none of the above. or maybe ALL of the above.

that's enough.

at least i have some plans for the weekend. beach with the woman tomorrow morning. then taking her out for a NICE dinner. the place i have in mind is beautiful and fancy. too fancy for my liking, but she'll enjoy it. she better, otherwise there will be beatings.

kidding.

i just someone in the back doing an exercise that may lead to a severe injury. i didn't tell her that. i kinda laughed and shook my head. does that make me a bad person? either way, i don't care. she looks like a stars wars character. and that is NOT a good way to describe someone.

hurt

2006-06-22T06:38:00.000-04:00

wake up.
head pounding. sour film in mouth.
have to spit. have to throw up. don't move. it will go away.
i hope.
did i throw up last night?
light hurts. where am i?
can barely see. head pounding.
stomach in agony. moving hurts.
open eyes. slowly. can only squint.
light hurts.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
my bed. good.
no one next to me.
good.
wearing.......torn shirt. stained jeans.
shirt is wet.
is that sweat?
not good.
what happened?
don't even think about it. won't feel so bad if i don't think about it.
hands?........not bloody.
good.
feel my face. not bruised. nose? straight.
good.
teeth? all there. not loose.
good.
ok. so far so good.
time?
8:50am.
taste stale beer and southern comfort.
gag.
gag.
gag.
fight down vomit.
vomit hurts the next day.
burns the throat.
burns the nose.
burns the eyes.
don't want to sit up.
will get sick.
don't want to see mirror.
will get sick.
need to use bathroom.
right.
now.
get up.
room spins.
vomit in throat.
fuck.
stagger to toilet.
vomit in mouth.
vomit in toilet.
half on the bowl.
fuck.
have to clean that.
later.
vomit stale beer.
vomit southern comfort.
burns the throat.
burns the nose.
burns the eyes.
clean toilet later.
crawl to sink. rinse out mouth.
spit in sink.
should brush teeth.
won't. don't know why.
so dehydrated it hurts.
should drink water.
won't. would just come back up.
look in mirror. slowly.
what happened?
face is white.
too white.
too pale.
eyes are red.
swollen.
painful.
what happened?
run to toilet.
dry heave.
dry heave.
stomach retches.
muscles spasm.
collapse.
head on toilet.
dry heave.
please stop.
please feel better.
vomit.
bile and blood.
again.
bile and blood.
feel tears running down face.
vomit.
nothing.
dry heave.
nothing.
sweating.
smells like stale beer, southern comfort.....and hurt.
what happenend?
rinse out mouth.
don't brush teeth.
don't know why.
tear off shirt.
throw on floor.
should shower.
won't.
don't know why.
i stink like sick.
and hurt.
flashes.
walking in bar.
beers.
shots.
shots.
shots.
look in mirror at bar.
eyes glassy.
not again.
this is the last thing i will remember tonight.
every time.
no more shots.
just a couple more beers.
grip sink.
look in mirror.
tonight is different.
swaying.
grip sink tighter.
knock on door.
"give me a minute."
ok fucker.
behave yourself.
fuzzy.
more shots.
fuzzier.
yelling.
more shots.
shoving.
fuzzier.
walking out of bar?
was i thrown out?
blackness.
nothing.
was i thrown out?
back to bed.
don't think about it.
everything is better after sleep.
shaking.
sweating.
sick.
hurt.
don't think about it.
just sleep.

when you work it out i'm worse than you.

2006-06-22T06:18:00.000-04:00

did you ever see basketball diaries? it is a good movie, and leonardo decaprio is really good in it, but something about it bothers me beyond belief. he is TERRIBLE at basketball. couldn't they have have worked with him prior to shooting the movie? and what kind of man can't at least dribble a basketball?

as a rule i consider unathletic men very effeminine. how do you not play sports growing up?

i saw my pups yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks (had to go home and do laundry. and yeah, why the hell doesn't our house have a washer and dryer??). they were so happy they were crying. that's the best feeling ever. something is so happy to see you that it actually cries. needless to say, i don't often get that reaction from people. they may cry tears of joy when i leave, but that's about it.

pop quiz hotshot

2006-06-21T06:02:00.000-04:00

fill in the blank (this should be easy, i'm giving you a work bank):

1. fat black chicks don't ____________.
2. i hate ______________.
3. fat chicks smell like _____________.
4. i have _______ issues.
5. ___________ is an old old wooden ship.
6. old people smell like _____________.
7. i ________________.
8. i may be _________.
9. old people should wear __________.
10. fat chicks take _____________.
11. lesbians enjoy _____________.
12. dwyane wade is _____________.
13. the __________ is good TV.
14. this place is filled with __________.
15. one of my favorite phrases is ___________.

word bank

a. weirdos
b. huge dumps.
c. give a fuck
d. fish sandwiches
e. dead hooker
f. ridiculously good at basketball
g. look good, i mean REALLY good.
h. real world
i. just about everyone
j. pee and medicine
k. anger
l. more clothing
m. diversity
n. mentally retarded
o. ham

inside you're ugly. you're ugly like me.

2006-06-21T05:47:00.000-04:00

well maybe not YOU neccessarily. but someone is. there has to be.

so far today:

woke up next to the girlfriend. she asked me to stay home. i wanted to. i couldn't. i cursed and got ready for work.

while drinking coffee on my way to work, i noticed the lid wasn't on tight enough. the shirt i was wearing now has a SWEET coffee stain on it. terrific.

also while driving to work i was stuck behind some asshole driving 35 in a 45. listen pal, i have this drive timed down the minute, don't fuck with me. it's 4:30 am, roll the dice and do the fucking speed limit.

waited 7 minutes in line at dunkin donuts. cursed under my breath the entire time. and how do i know it was 7 minutes? they have a running clock there for the drive through.

new topic:

this is the ugliest gym ever. both male and female. these people are repugnant. some of these animals are so ugly i actually get angry. they shouldn't be allowed to leave their homes. they should be locked away on the "isle of ugly." just an island filled with ugly people. now don't get me wrong, i wouldn't have them live like savages. i would allow them to have running water and electricity, but just don't ever leave the island. they can have generation after generation of ugly kids for all i care. just stay away from my gym.

for the record the island WILL be filled with angry monkeys. they are dangerous. they also bite. and believe me, you DO NOT want to get bit by an angry monkey.

really?

2006-06-20T06:25:00.000-04:00

is the phrase "from the creators of white chicks" actually a good thing? i wouldn't think that it was.

at all.

in fact, if i made a movie i would want the trailer to specifically state: "NOT from the creators of white chicks."

it's an old old wooden ship

2006-06-20T05:58:00.000-04:00

we have a picture up in our house of an old old wooden ship. needless to say, it's name: diversity.

guilty pleasure #345:
all things real world.

yeah. i know. it's the best. and not just the regular seasons, i'm talking gauntlet, inferno, battle of the sexes, and even the new joint, fresh meat. i hate the people that are on it. the fact they don't work and only pay their bills by competing in these ridiculous challenges goes against everything i stand for. but still.......there is something to be said for tonya's sweet rack bouncing up and down. or coral's cutting remarks on everything everyone does. it's incredible. i've been watching these shows for so long it's like i actually know these people. it's sick really, b/c on the surface i would hate all of them. except for the hot chicks. but did i even need to say that? if you are not a fan, i wholeheartedly recomend becoming one. it's on all hours of the day and night, so check it out.

so yeah, i don't really like work. nothing in particular happened so far today, but we both know something will happen. and i won't like it. what i didn't like so far today: waking up at 4:20. kissing my beautiful girl good-bye (she showed up at my house last night in shorts so short it was almost criminal. if you are a girl, you would hate her. ha!). driving behind some asshole that was testing my already paper thin patience. having severe stomach pain for no reason. there is probably more, i'm just too tired/lazy to think about it.

true story!!!!!

the man punted baxter!!!!

2006-06-19T07:21:00.000-04:00

good weekends are better than bad weekends. this was a good weekend.

that first sentence was a very profound statement.

took a police test on saturday. it was for the entire state. it opens me up to TONS of jobs. it's only held every 2 years. a gigantic part of me getting a job rides on my score. no pressure. i think i did pretty well. if not, i'm going to start selling drugs. the writing is on the wall. i DID NOT appreciate the fact it was in the high 80's temperature wise in the room i took it in.

other things about the test that bothered me:
the woman that was in charge of reading all the BS you need to read before you administer a test like that. the proctor?? anyway, she was trying to joke around, "no one is smiling today? hot enough for you?" fuck off lady. i'm sitting in a pool of sweat, steam is rising from my skull. just give me the fucking test. also, we have ALL taken these kinds of tests. FILL IN THE CIRCLE HEAVY AND DARK. really? i was going to leave the whole thing blank and hope for the best. idiots. she gave us special instructions about filling in our name, then filling in the corresponding letter underneath. for instance: your name is mike. fill in the cirles for M-I-K-E. are you fucking shitting me? the beautiful thing about that, the girl sitting next to me got lost doing that. she raised her hand and asked for further instruction. they should have taken her test and hit her in the head with a tack hammer. i wish my reaction that that gem had been video taped. the look of pure bewilderment/anger would have been great. anyway, i've been waiting months to take that test, and now it's a waiting game for the results.

sometimes fighting is good b/c then you make up. and by make up i mean do it. a couple times.

people that work out religiously for months, then disappear, only to reappear baffle me. why take time off only to start from scratch again? also, you look terrible.

people that are here everyday and haven't missed a day in months, you also look terrible. what the hell is wrong with you? do you just go home and eat a side of beef chased with boxes of twinkies every day? it's scary.

yeah.

2006-06-16T06:37:00.000-04:00

to the animals that use the men's bathroom,

flush the fucking toilet. also, the urinals are meant for just that. the regular toilet, meant for more serious game. please don't piss all over the toilet seat and on the floor in front of it.

thanks,
front counter guy

6:34am

easy psycho.

2006-06-16T06:10:00.000-04:00

friday. bitches. not a minute too soon.

i am NOT HAPPY today. surprised? fuck off.

wow.

see. i told you i wasn't happy. not enough sleep. at all. stupid UFC was on until midnight. the woman came over looking hot. i have to be up at 4:20. when it's all said and done that equals no sleep. fuck.

yes i understand it's my own fault. no i can't be held responsible for my actions when the woman comes over looking all hot. i am a weak weak individual.

this is what set me off today:

i park in the back of the parking lot ever since the fender bender i had a couple months ago. no need to EVER have to use insurance again. by the time i walk up to the front door people are either standing waiting at the front door, or they are following on my heels like i'm the pied fucking piper. (for the record, i am not). i am early you fucking lemmings. give me a fucking second to get the key in the door. but i am used to this kind of action. it happens everyday. however, when i went to the back of the gym to flip the breakers to turn the treadmills on, i see a woman messing with them. are you kidding me? she is all smiles, "i thought i'd turn them on." no don't. get the fuck away. go stand on your treadmill you fucking cow of a human being. it will be on shortly. i'm sure you are just as patient when it comes to the buffet line you fat fuck. give me two fucking seconds to turn the computers on before you hit the wrong breaker and turn the power off. HATE!!!

a woman just came in that is so unattractive i wanted to punch her in the face. she is unreasonable to look at.

it's only 6:26 am.

ron, are you paying attention. no.

2006-06-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

this really happened yesterday.

on her way home from my house to her's yesterday morning, the woman stopped in to say hi. we talked at the front counter for about 5 minutes. she then walked back to the hallway behind the counter and i gave her a hug and and a kiss (it's private, not a big PDA guy). i walked her to her car, hugged and kissed her again, and slapped her ass before she went in her car and left. she talked to no one other than me, and the whole series of events lasted no more than 7-10 minutes.

now from this interaction a woman came up to me and said the following (i don't remember the exact words, so i am paraphrasing). just so you know, the new woman is very very attractive (don't want to sound like a jerk, but it just helps to demonstate how jealous and crazy women are about other women. ie: this story):

her: is that your girlfriend?
me: yes.
her: what happened to your old girlfriend?
me: we broke up.
her: when?
me: (rolling my eyes) about 5 months ago.
her: why?
me: (not wanting to get into and why the fuck is this any of your business) it just didn't work out.
her: i liked her.
me: (you never once talked to her) so did i. sometimes things just don't work.
her: how old is this girl?
me: 24
her: really? she looks younger. more like 20.
me: i know. it's awesome.
her: she's not your type.
me: pardon?
her: she's not your type.
me: she's blonde. her eyes are the color of honey. her face is gorgeous and she has the body of a playmate. she is everyone's type. in fact (angrily) she is exactly me type. (ps. don't EVER talk about anyone i am dating in a bad way. it will get ugly. i am very protective).
her: you need someone older. she is too young for you.
me: she's 24. i'm 28.
her: you need someone that is past their party stage. and more settled down in their career.
me: really? that's funny b/c she doesn't go the bar, rarely drinks at all, and is in charge of a store. (she works retail).
her: she doesn't seem very friendly.
me: what? did you talk to her? or is that an observation you made from 60 feet away?
her: i'm just saying that's how she came off.
me: hmm. next time i'll introduce her to everyone that's here.
her: hrumph (walks away angrily)

so this woman jumped to all these conclusions just b/c she saw me talking to a very pretty girl. women are clearly insane. she is actually very lucky i didn't slap the taste out her mouth.

i love lamp

2006-06-15T06:02:00.000-04:00

i fell asleep at 8:00 last night. i was supposed to be somewhere at 8:30. i didn't make it there. instead i woke up at 9:30 and went to the woman's house. i felt guilty for not making it to where i was supposed to go, until she answered the door in a sports bra. all of a sudden i felt a lot better.

waking up may be the absolute worst thing in the world. i haven't woken up feeling refreshed and alive in months. does anyone ever? it sounds like something i would enjoy. it's not looking good anytime soon. then again, i don't think anything is. except for the woman in a sports bra.

in an attempt to seperate myself from the weirdos that come into this place i am making a conscious decision to avoid conversation at all costs. i've been trying for 3 days now. so far people are asking me if i am in a bad mood. the honest answer would of course be yes, b/c i am at work and would rather be home. the reality is i am really trying to avoid small talk, eye contact, and anything else that will invite assholes up to talk to me. so far people just don't get the hint. at all. i hate people.

i also hate clowns.

just so you know.

fuck the world. don't ask me for shit. anything you want you gotta work hard for it.

2006-06-14T06:06:00.000-04:00

where i would rather be than here:

anywhere.

three hours of sleep last night. i hate myself.

three hours of sleep everynight. i hate everyone else.

i don't know that i have a single thing of value to say today. that usually doesn't stop me any other day. why should it stop me now?

i think i am breaking down mentally. the lack of money is really starting to wear on me. i try not to think about it, but it's always on the back of my mind. that is a terrible way to live. i think i am going to have to make a serious run at getting a new job. i talk about it often enough. now i have to actually put it in motion. the goal is still the police department, but i need to get something in the interim. living paycheck to paycheck is no way to go. fuck.

wow. that was depressing.

better news. the new woman is incredible. beautiful. sweet. funny. what more can you ask? that makes me feel better. i'll just concentrate on that.